The AFA Blog

Please exercise

by Fred Licciardi, M.D.

Please exercise.

In the preceding centuries, tremendous physical activity was required for human survival, and yet, reproduction carried on. Imagine the exhaustion and stress if we had to spend one week hunting or farming with few tools or resources. Yet probably, under these conditions, most women would be able to get pregnant.

Excessive extreme exercise causing weight loss will cause ovulation to stop because the body figures that there are not enough nutrients stored for both the woman and a fetus. If she can just barely feed herself, she can’t feed the growing baby. The same is true for an anorectic. But here we are talking about extreme extreme. Moderate exercise is fine.

Surprising to me, I did come across a paper from Harvard showing that women who underwent moderate levels of exercise had lower pregnancy rates that those who did not. Like we always say, it’s just one paper. I do not really believe it. The Harvard doctors that I know do not restrict moderate exercise.

Exercise is bad if you are taking fertility drugs because the medications make the ovaries grow. Normally the ovaries are about the size of a walnut, and the drugs increase the number of follicles, therefore the ovarian size increases. Sometimes the ovaries can get to the size of plums or even oranges. They hang inside the pelvis. As they become heavier, they become more likely to twist, and this is called torsion. Here the twisting cuts off the blood supply and causes the ovary to choke. This really hurts, and is treated by laparoscopy. Exercise will increase the odds of this twisting. So in this case, exercise is not good.

Exercise increases blood flow to all areas of the body. The uterus and ovaries are organs that would love to get as much blood flow as they could.

Exercise clears your head. Yes, endorphins are released with strenuous activity, and these can help us fell better, but I think it’s more than that. My theory is that it’s not just about increasing the good chemicals; it’s about getting rid of the bad. Increased blood flow flushes away the old stale thought chemicals that are just hanging around causing trouble. Get rid of them.

Even better, do exercise that requires tremendous concentration. This really clears you head. Any sport will do: sailing, golf, soccer, basketball, biking, you name it. Some are more strenuous than others, but they all work. Same thing; flood your brain with fresh blood and new thoughts, lose the waste products.

Exercise builds muscle mass. This is also good. It just makes you feel better if you have a little tone. Even if you think you are fat, the tone goes a long way. It’s healthier to have some tone and muscle. It helps with balance and lowers you chances of getting injured during an accident (falling, for example).

And people with a little tone just age better.

Not to mention all of the obvious benefits of upping your cardio-vascular reserve.

I am not an expert in Yoga, although I have happily done it a few times. It's very good alternative.

So you don’t have time for exercise? Yes you do, make time. If you are tired, go to gym tired, it works just as well. You will sleep better.

If you do decide to take my advice (and the advice of others), go all out. A little exercise once a week is better than nothing, but more is better. You need at least 2 sessions per week of vigorous activity to really make a difference. Don’t start on any aggressive workout without checking with our doctor first, and consider a trainer at least initially.

A world on fire.

  by Corey Whelan

It feels like the whole world is on fire right now.  Civil unrest and natural disasters have been nudging the stressometer up notch by notch in our collective unconsciousness for awhile now, I think.  I remember reading newspaper articles years ago about the Cold War and how constant anxiety about the bomb was increasing the daily stress that Americans (and I'm sure Russians too) lived with, like a sort of  low level whirring sound in the brain that you forget is there, but that never really recedes.  

Headlines this weekend about that fool, that monster, that idiot in Florida and the violence that has ensued since he burned the Koran pumped up the jam just enough to flip me out completely.  It just feels like open season now, not just on Americans world wide, but on the whole species Human Being.  As it has always been, I guess.

I thought about all this while I was running this morning.  Three miles in and I started to think about stocking up on bottled water.  Five miles in and I started to think about the talk I need to have with my children about all this and how I don't want to.  Seven miles in and I remembered the reason why I started running in the first place.

Many of you who haven't known me for forever find it hard to believe that once upon a time I weighed around 50 pounds more than I do now.  Pregnancy with multiples, and a marriage that was shredding itself to bits turned into a lust for bagels, maple syrup and low fat dulce la leche frozen yogurt that I deluded myself into thinking was ok for me to eat on a daily basis.  And then 9/11 happened.

My babies were small then.  I remember thinking, if I have to run out of a burning building with one kid under each arm, would I be able to do it?

And the answer was no.  I was too overweight and out of shape to run and get my babies and myself to safety if I ever needed to.

So I went for a walk.  A very long walk.  And a few days later I went for a run.  A very short run.  And I threw out the bagels and all the high carb crap I had let my PCOS insulin resistant body get addicted to and I slowly became my old, healthy-weight self again.  Strong, thin, and robust.  My own personal best for my own physical self.

People, look.  I don't know what's coming next, none of us do.  But I do know that no matter what comes, and also no matter what doesn't come, the species human being, all of us, deserve the right to be our own personal best.  For me it's being a runner who weighs 115 lbs.  For you it may mean being a walker or a tennis player who weighs 135 lbs.  But whatever your own personal health best is, I urge you to acheive it.  It is better for your fertility.  It will be better for your pregnancy and your baby, God willing.  It will be better for you no matter what life brings.  Really.  

Think about maybe joining in and doing what The AFA staff will be doing for NIAW.  Think about doing a Fertility Bootcamp, if that feels like a fit for you.  Think about doing something.  And then just do it.  

I don't know what's coming next.     

My Sung Hero

by Corey Whelan

 

So I want to talk about my friend Mark.  I met Mark in a cold country, which works for him because a) he skis and b) he has the clothes for it.  Me, not so much.  However, after many conversations and many years I’ve gotten to know this man very well, and wanted to share some of what I know with you.

Mark is a warrior and served his country proudly in the Army.  But that “Used to be a soldier warrior fierceness” has since metabolized into a fierce warrior like caring for his patients.  Do or die.  That is the level of his commitment to those he serves.

Mark is kind.  I am honor bound to not tell you about most of the good stuff he does behind the scenes in our world.  If I broke rank and told, Mark would be the feature lead story on 60 Minutes and in People Magazine.  Suffice it to say, for Mark, no man gets left behind.  No patient gets left behind either.  Sorry I can’t say more but I do want you to know that this man is guided by faith, and conscience.  .

Mark is honorable.  He says what he means and he means what he says.  End of story.

Mark is my friend.

The AFA is honoring Mark Bush, M.D., at Illuminations Denver this year.  I am writing this blog post on my plane on the way to Denver, but opted not  to WIIFI on this trip (glorious freedom) so I will publish this post as soon as I can.  (The glorious not connected freedom never lasts for too long).

Oh, and one more thing.  The folks at The AFA and the folks at Mark’s practice, Conceptions Reproductive Associates of Colorado, really dig each other.  In many ways, we are all renegades in this field, and we recognize that in each other.  We all do what needs to be done, we all go where it is needed that we go.  BPA and repro health?  Let’s talk about it.  Toxic nail salons and infertility?  Done. Infertility Prevention and Women Not Ever Needing an RE?  Yup, we go there too.  And towards that end, Mark Bush, M.D. is one of the only docs that I know that would use his time to talk to college women about infertility prevention.   Our gig tomorrow is at the University of Colorado at Boulder and Mark, Brenda, Ken Mosesian and myself will be speaking to young men and women about not ever needing to become patients.  Some RE’s I know if asked to do that, just wouldn’t feel it a good use of their time.  Not a good marketing opp.  Oh hush, of course not all, there are tons of unsung heroes in our field but let me tell you, Mark jumped on this opportunity, again, on behalf of young women everywhere and for The AFA.   He jumped on this non ROI, educational opportunity, for which I want to publicly say, thank you.  For all the unsung heroes out there, you are my sung one.

 And he’s done this kind of thing, behind the scenes, with The AFA for years. 

 So hat’s off to you, Mark.  You deserve to be honored.  We are honored to know you. Hat’s off to you, Dr. Bush, and to your team of amazing renegade thinkers and doers..  Ski hat’s, of course.

 See you tomorrow.

Leading experts bring infertility prevention awareness to University of Colorado

DENVER, Feb. 21, 2011 /PRNewswire/ -- The American Fertility Association (The AFA), a national family-building non-profit organization, is heading to college campuses around the country to educate young men and women about infertility - a disease affecting one out of 6 couples in the U.S. The 2011 College Tour Series kicks off on March 4th at the University of Colorado in Boulder with a presentation entitled "Why Mother Nature Wants You To Get Laid Right Now". Students will learn about preventing infertility by avoiding certain environmental toxins, STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) prevention, and about the realities of the biological clock. Brenda Strong, The AFA's national spokesperson, board member, and Desperate Housewives actress, will be on hand to talk about the benefits of yoga to help alleviate stress, which can affect fertility. She will also lead a yoga demonstration for the students. Though The AFA's goal is to prevent infertility whenever possible, sometimes infertility can't be avoided. Dr. Mark Bush, a reproductive endocrinologist with Conceptions Reproductive Associates in Denver, will speak at the event so students are aware of savvy treatment options.  Executive Director Ken Mosesian and Program Director Corey Whelan will discuss infertility prevention for men and women, environmental toxin avoidance, and STI (sexually transmitted infection) avoidance.

Later that night, The AFA will honor Dr. Mark Bush with the Joyce M. Vargyas, MD, Visionary Award at the Illuminations Denver cocktail party. Dr. Bush has extensive experience in all aspects of reproductive endocrinology, infertility, and assisted reproductive technologies. He has published numerous scientific and clinical papers in the field of women's health. Recently, Dr. Bush has taken a serious interest in elective single embryo transfer in order to avoid multiple births. The AFA strongly supports the use of single embryo transfer when possible for the safety of the patient and the child.

This year's Illuminations Denver will focus on The AFA's work, empowering young men and women to take control of their fertility. Illuminations Denver will be held at Palazzo Verdi at Fiddler's Green, and special guests will include Brenda Strong, Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald from Comedy Central and Animal Planet and pianist Joseph Eisele with the prestigious Young Musicians Foundation of Colorado. The event is designed to raise much-needed funds to support the educational outreach work of The American Fertility Association.

The media is welcome, and encouraged, to attend both events. The AFA would like to thank all of our sponsors who are helping to make both of these events a huge success, including our Platinum Event Sponsors, Ferring Pharmaceuticals and Conceptions Reproductive Associates, and our Gold Event Sponsor EMD Serono. Special thanks to Disney / ABC Television Group for their support as the Charter Sponsor of our 2011 College Tour. If you're interested in sponsoring Illuminations Denver or purchasing tickets, please contact Corey Whelan at 718-853-1411.

Press Contact: Merry Armentrout Director of Communications, The AFA 205-470-9406 [email protected]

The American Fertility Association, a 501(c)(3) national non-profit organization, is a resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family-building. AFA services and materials are provided free of charge and without reservation. These services include an extensive online library, resource directory, hosted message boards, daily fertility news and a toll-free support line. http://www.theafa.org or 888.917.3777

This press release was issued through eReleases(R). For more information, visit eReleases Press Release Distribution at http://www.ereleases.com.

SOURCE American Fertility Association

Read more: Preventing Infertility and the Future of Fertility Treatments - The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/coloradocorporatestatements/ci_17442679#ixzz1EdBw9Rec
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Your infertility arsenal for 2011

by Corey Whelan

A new year, a new you. 

Easier said than felt, particularly for women who have spent the last year (or longer) trying to get pregnant, without success.

Let's face it, we often experience Infertility as a powerful enemy.. And one of this most hated enemy's weapons is it's ability to diminish the feeling of control that we so covet, even require, in our own lives. 

While it's true that you may not be able to eradicate infertility at will from your own life, you can absolutely opt to disable this element of the experience and to achieve more balance, and control, than you currently may be experiencing.  And you have the right to do that.  Believe it or not, you have an arsenal at your finger tips.  You simply need to call it up, and now is a good time to practice doing that.  While every woman's arsenal will vary somewhat, there are a few handy dandy items you should always tote around in yours.

Laugh. Ever hear the expression "fake it till you make it"?  There's nothing wrong with having fun, and joy in your life. It's not fattening and it won't stop you from getting pregnant.  Funny movies and television shows are more than just a diversion. They are often a life saver.  Pick your pleasure, and pick it often.

Talk. It's no secret that infertility puts a strain on the hardiest of relationships. You may be feeling this in your romantic life, your family life and your friendships.  But always remember, you are loved, even if you may not be feeling an avalanche of the kind of support you need coming at you from friends and family right now.  Something that might help is this.  Enlist the shoulder of the person that you feel is best armed to support you through this piece of your life, and request of him or her an oasis of time, just for you, on a daily basis to simply talk.  This is your opportunity to dump, to scream, to cry, to blurt out everything you are feeling without judgement or even that person's opinions or comments (unless you request them).  If you need to enlist more than one person, that's ok.  And if no one comes to mind but this sounds like something you could use, well, that's what therapists are for.

Choose.  Not everyone will be able to hang in there with you through this time.  It doesn't mean they don't care about you or you about them.  But you have the right to choose who you spend time with and who you don't.  If you can't handle that annual family get together or party, then don't go.  Baby showers?  Up to you.  And, if you get a nagging feeling that a friend is not able, or willing to support you through this right now, gently put a hiatus on the friendship. You're in control, remember?  Exercise that control.

Move.  Movement displaces anxiety.  Take a walk, take a run, take a yoga class, but take your body to a transformative place by giving it time to breathe, and heal, through movement.  Your body, despite it's current trying to conceive and not getting there state, is still an instrument of joy, and pleasure.  Let it be that for you.

Touch. You have the right to enjoy your sex life.  Baby making sex is not the only kind of sex there is, remember?  Find creative ways to get back in touch with that, and then, find some more.

Thank. Think about what you have in your life to be grateful for and give thanks for that.  You are still you, and there is more to you than this experience.  Try giving thanks for what you currently have.  If this feels too difficult for you right now, let it go for a day, or two. Consider it a goal for tomorrow.  But hold onto this one, it's a goal worth acheiving. 

Remember. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is a new day.  Your life will not always feel like this.  Remember to be kind to yourself and to hold on to all of the tomorrows, and all of the dreams, that are still ahead of you.

Happy New Year to all of the women who so want to be mommies but who are not there yet. I hope that 2011 will be your year.     

Reprinted with permission from examiner.com

Photo: 123RF

The Gift of the Present Moment

By Brenda Strong

I have a confession to make.  I have been stressed out lately.  Yes, even yoga teachers can let life circumstances get the best of them.

The Holidays can be a challenging time for most of us.  We all long for closeness of family, warmth and an intimacy that may resemble our favorite memories from childhood.  If our childhood memories of family don't fill us with warmth, we may seek out a fantasy of what we think family could be that it wasn't. Either way, the holidays can fill us with a mixture of feelings that may be difficult to navigate; and unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling lonely, especially if the family we long for isn't created yet. 

For many of us going through reproductive difficulties, it may be a time filled with sadness, longing, isolation and stress.  How can we navigate through this time without having a nervous breakdown or going into a depression?  The key is found in a word that is tossed around the holidays a lot.  Presents.  But instead of the kind that are tied up neatly in a bow with beautiful paper, the kind I'm talking about is free and available to us at all times.  Presence.  It is learning to be present, that allows us to receive the greatest gifts in life, the ones that touch our hearts, give us hope and connect us to ourselves, our bodies and each other.

How does one become present?  It's simple.  The quickest way to become present is through our breath.  Simply observing the breath as it passes through us, and watching it, brings us fully into this moment. When we watch the breath and are present, the body does a miraculous thing.  It opens.  And when our bodies open, our monkey mind slows down and so does our heart rate, and we become aware. When we become present to what we are feeling, we give these sensations an opportunity to release their power over us.   When we are in the presence of pure awareness, there is an opportunity to release the baggage of the past and the fearful projections of the unknown future.  There is just NOW.  And inside now, there is nothing to resist or grasp at, there is just what is.  There is a simplicity of BEING.  From this short time of connecting to our breathing, we are able to de-stress the body, release anxiety and receive the gift of this moment.  As we do this, we can start to string those moments together, and before we know it, we are on the other side of our feelings peacefully.

So this Holiday Season, as you gather together your presents for others, don't forget to give yourself the gift of the PRESENT moment. 

Someone once said, “The past is history, the future a mystery, and the present moment is all we have...that is why it is called a 'gift'."

Just remember, to receive the gift of life all you have to do is take it one breath at a time...  :-)  

Na "mama" ste

Brenda Strong is a certified 500hr E-RYT who created the Strong Yoga4Fertility program to help women worldwide.  She is the first national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association as well as a member of the board of directors. Her day job is playing “Mary Alice Young” on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

Desperate Housewives

by Merry Armentrout

Fall is here (at least in New England).  The leaves are starting to change color, the air is getting crisp and my TiVo is ready to roll.  I have a handful of favorite shows, and last week was full of season premiers for the fall line-up.  Idon't consider myself a TV junkie, but do relish those few hours a week where I'm able to see what kind of trouble my favorite characters (fictional and real) get themselves into and out of.  

I wrote a blog on the TV show Glee last season.  I think the show is wonderful, but I'm actually more impressed with the subjects the show broaches- infertility, adoption, LGBT family building, to name a few.  These are the things The American Fertility Association supports, and the conversations we want to take place in the mainstream- such as a prime time TV show. 

You can also find these conversations on Wisteria Lane.  Desperate Housewives capped off season six with Gaby, played by Eva Longoria, offering to donate her eggs to a gay couple, but at the last minute changes her mind, causing the Lee and Bob to break-up.  Though this television show is fictional, the issues it raises are reality for many people.

The AFA is dedicated to educating and supporting all men and women concerned with family building - including hopeful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) parents. One way this is achieved is through third party reproduction.  There are many reproductive options for gay men and lesbian women, including a resource directory to find such services.

I have to admit, I'm a bit biased toward Desperate Housewives. Brenda Strong, the voice of Mary Alice Young on the show, is the national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association.  Strong struggled with infertility, and found yoga helped alleviate the stress brought on while undergoing fertility treatments. 

It might seem like a little thing, including infertility and family building in a TV show.  But it's the little things that become part of the bigger picture in today's reality for hopeful parents.

 

Moments of Grace

by Carolyn Berger, LCSW

Sometimes we discover our best coping skills when our backs are up against a wall.

My husband and I were trying to have our second child via Pergonal/IUI cycles and I knew I had to find a way to calm myself and navigate the emotional ups and downs I was experiencing.  We had a son, age 3, and were struggling with infertility for the second time.  I hated the way Round Two was affecting my relationships with my husband and Zach.  There I was, with the one thing I wanted most in the world, a child, yet I was angry one moment and sad the next—and guilty enough for the three of us for wanting another.

I had to figure out a different way to be.

 So, I left “my boys” at home and spent a weekend at Kripalu, a yoga retreat in the Berkshires, taking lots of classes and learning everything I could about yoga.  I had flirted with yoga in college, but found it boring.  But this time was different…I needed to find a way to soothe my soul while my body was on sensory overload from fertility drugs.  I returned home from Kripalu with a video from my favorite teacher, Megha.    

 Back in the real world, I began setting aside an hour a day for yoga.  It didn’t matter that laundry lay unfolded on the couch, volunteer work sat on my desk, and toys were strewn everywhere, this was my time.  I put Zach in his crib for a nap, unrolled my yoga mat under the skylight in the family room, slipped in the video and turned my attention to Megha. 

 While I had met and talked with Megha at Kripalu, it was through her video that I began to feel I had found a friend.  She was beautiful, with dark, curly hair, a wide smile and a ballet dancer’s body.  She was compassionate in the way a yoga teacher needs to be, entreating me to go as far as I could go in a pose, but reminding me to pull back from a position that caused pain.  I learned that every pose had a corresponding release.  I came to understand on a deeply physical level that I could be focused and relaxed at the same time.

Megha taught me to move with grace, concentrate on coming into a posture with each part of my body correctly aligned, move toward my edge, hold it, and then let go.   All of this needed to happen while I continued to breathe in from belly to ribs to chest and breathe out from chest to ribs to belly.  I could come into a posture perfectly, but if I had forgotten to breathe I wasn’t truly practicing yoga.  In yoga   breathing helps you unify mind, body, and spirit—and, in fact, “yoga” means “union.”

Through the practice of yoga, I began to understand that everything difficult I was doing in my life needed to be interspersed with periods of deep relaxation.  Thinking, dreaming, and scheming about our next child and how we would conceive him (hard work!) couldn’t continue unabated.  I needed to relax along the way and feel the moments of joy-- whether that meant a kiss from my husband, a sweet hug from my son, or a chat on the phone with one of my sisters.   

Over time I learned to breathe more deeply, hold poses longer, and let go of my fertility worries more easily.  Sometimes while I practiced with Megha, Zach would climb out of his crib and join me on the mat. At first this annoyed me, but I learned to hold or change a pose while he attached himself to my arms and legs or laid himself down across my back.  He seemed endlessly capable of gluing himself on to me no matter which pose I was doing.  And sometimes I woke from savasinan (deep relaxation at the end of a yoga class) to find him sitting beside me, his dark brown eyes staring intently at me.  Other times Zach decided I’d done enough yoga and it was time to get him something to eat or take him to the park. 

 At those times my first child became far more important than the second child I longed to have.  And at those times he was my period of relaxation in the midst of the more difficult poses I engaged in.

 

Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is Founding Chair, Board Member, and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council of The AFA. 

How Hollywood Loses the Baby Weight

by Merry Armentrout

People magazine is my guilty pleasure. I love browsing through pictures of movie stars while I enjoy a cup of coffee, but this morning a picture of Bethenny Frankel left me baffled.  The reality star had a baby two weeks ago, and was photographed on Tuesday looking fabulous and fit. I stared at her non-existent belly wondering how this was possible. My only conclusion is she has to be sporting some heavy duty Spanx.

This isn't the first time a movie star flaunted her post-baby figure just weeks after giving birth. Gisele Bundchen did a photo shoot six weeks after having baby Benjamin, and model Adriana Lima claims losing the baby weight was "easy". Yes, losing weight is "easy" when you have a personal trainer every day, and a food service delivering low-calorie, portion controlled meals to your doorstep. I don't know about you, but my budget doesn't include such luxuries. And, thankfully being photographed in my bikini isn't in my job description, or else I would have reconsidered the huge plate of pasta I thoroughly enjoyed last night.

Losing baby weight, or any weight for that matter, isn't easy, but definitely is doable. Parents magazine published an article with expert weight loss tips for "real mothers".  The tips include the obvious, such as exercise and choosing healthy snacks, but also reminds you to be patient. Losing two pounds per week is considered reasonable, but nursing mothers should only lose one pound per week. The article says losing weight too quickly can interfere with your milk production.

I hear so many new mom's complain they hardly have time for a shower, let alone a run. I'm not a mother, and might one day find this to be very true, but I do strongly believe anyone can make time in their day for exercise.  Staying active will not only help you lose weight, but studies show exercise helps new mothers sleep better at night and helps with postpartum depression. You can ask your family or friends to baby-sit while you go to the gym, or get a workout in when your husband's home to help with the baby. Workout DVDs can be found everywhere, and will have you sweating without having to leave your house, or your baby. Many websites offer examples of exercises for both mom and baby, so you're able to bond with your little one while keeping yourself healthy.

For all of those women who aren't pregnant, but one day hope to be, being healthy now will pay off during, and after your pregnancy. The National Institute for Health says women need to think about a healthy pregnancy before they even try to get pregnant. Studies show women who are obese before pregnancy are more likely to have babies with congenital heart defects compared to women at a normal weight. It's also easier to lose baby weight if you maintained a healthy weight before you're pregnant.

You don't need grueling personal training sessions or a fancy food delivery service to lose baby weight (it would be nice though). Be healthy, be patient and be thankful your baby doesn't care if you fit into your skinny jeans. All they want is your love. And a clean diaper.

You Only Get To Know People Over Time….

By Jamie Schenk DeWitt

 

Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.  By Georgia O’Keeffe

Why am I quoting Georgia O’Keeffe at the beginning of my blog?  Well for one thing when writing about friendship, such a complicated and colorful subject, it seems poetic to begin with famous words from a prolific artist. And secondly, I am quoting her because she so eloquently sums up what my mother has been telling me my whole life about friends and relationships.  My mom says, “You only get to know people over time.” 

There is nothing like experiencing infertility to test the bonds of friendship between girlfriends of childbearing age, especially if you have only known that person for a few years.  Two months into my fertility treatments, I confided in a good friend about my fertility plight.  We had only known each other for a little under two years but I liked her and we had always related well to each other’s sensibilities, humor and values.  I can still remember the day clearly. We were out to brunch with our husbands and she asked me how I was doing.  Instead of giving the standard answer of “I am good.”  I decided to tell her the truth.  I said, “I am going through fertility treatments and it is really stressful and a lot to process.”

Well the floodgates opened.  She and her husband revealed that they, too, were having a hard time trying to get pregnant.  Six or seven months ago, she had a miscarriage and had not been able to get pregnant since. They were incredibly frustrated and scared.  We also confided in one another how difficult it was to be around friends who were getting pregnant while we were struggling.   

Over that brunch, the four of us bonded in our failed attempts to start families.  Our candidness brought us closer and we were able to relate more intimately with one another now that we were going through similar experiences.  During the next couple of months, my friend and I regularly emailed each other to check in and share stories about our own fertility trials and tribulations. We became a mutual source of comfort and support.

There were definitely things that I wasn’t sharing with her or for that matter anyone.  There would be days when I doubted that could get pregnant.  I would get depressed, sad and anxious.  There would be days when I would be at the hair salon and the woman next to me would be telling her stylist that she was pregnant and I would want to die because I felt like everyone else around me was getting pregnant. This scenario happened all the time…at the grocery store, at the movie theater, at the dry cleaner.  Wherever I went during the darkest hours of my fertility treatments, I would run into pregnant women or women who just found out that they were pregnant.

After months of this downward spiral, I eventually found balance and hope in my life through therapy, meditation, yoga and a lot of talking to myself to refocus my thoughts away from the negative.  I no longer felt sad when I heard about other people getting pregnant.  I was able to feel joy and hopefulness for myself.  I had turned my emotions around and it felt empowering.   

In the meantime, my friend underwent somewhat of a radio silence.  I wasn’t sure why, but then on July 2 at 8 am an email from her came in to my inbox.

“Everything's good here. So you may have guessed from my recent silence on the whole baby making issue and my not drinking when you guys came over to our house that I'm pregnant. I just wanted you to know.” 

She went on to write that she was sorry if this was hard news for me but that she totally understood if it was because she had been there herself months before with other friends.  She was hopeful and praying for us that it would happen soon.  She sent her love.

I started shaking. Not because she was pregnant, but because of the way she delivered the message.  Everything about it disturbed my equilibrium.  First of all, who wants to read about this in an email from a good friend?  Second of all, I felt like she was projecting her feelings about how she would feel in this situation on me.  Her words and tone assumed a fragility that I wasn’t experiencing anymore. I had worked so hard to feel good and not resentful about anyone else’s ability to get pregnant that I didn’t want to get sucked back into the black hole of fear, sadness and panic.   

I called her right away to congratulate her and discuss her email.  She listened and tried to explain her motivation, but we clearly did not understand each other.  There wasn’t too much left to say.  We periodically emailed each other, but our friendship was strained.

Three months went by before we saw each other again.  We went out to dinner with our husbands.  My husband and I announced that we were pregnant with twins right before the appetizers were served.  Our friends were excited for us, but there was awkwardness to our interaction. Our friendship had clearly not recovered.   

I knew that I wanted to talk with her about what happened, but it would be months before we saw each other again at a mutual friend’s holiday party.  She was two weeks away from giving birth.   As we started talking it was so clear that we both had the best intentions, but the intensity of each of our circumstances made it difficult to see what each other needed.  Thankfully we were both able to put more value in our friendship than in our feelings, which allowed us to work it out and put the incident behind us.

My friend just had her second baby and I couldn’t wait to go over to her house to meet him.  It is hard to imagine the friends we were two years ago when this incident happened compared to where we are today, but we are closer and better friends because of it. Georgia O’Keeffe and my mom are right…you only get to know people over time.