The AFA Blog

Laughter is the Best Medicine

by Merry Armentrout

"Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy."

That was the opening line for last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. 

It's the truth, isn't it.  Infertility can make you go crazy. It's stressful, physically grueling and emotionally draining. Infertility isn't a laughing matter.There's nothing funny about it.  That being said, there are times when laughter can be the best medicine.

 Each month you try to conceive, there are a mix of emotions that accompany the process. Constant feelings of rising hopelessness and sinking despair can certainly take an emotional toll on you and your partner.  You might not feel like laughing, but letting out a good laugh can help lighten the mood surrounding infertility.

My colleague, Corey Whelan, recently published an Examiner article on different ways other women have dealt with infertility through laughter. It seems the idea is catching on judging by last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother.

The episode follows married couple Marshall and Lily as they make a trip to a fertility clinic after failing to get pregnant. The first scene shows the couple talking with their OBGYN about their fear of being infertile. The doctor asks how long they've been trying to get pregnant...the answer is 6 days.  It then flashed forward to a few months later, and Lily and Marshall think something must be wrong because they're "doing it" a lot.  And in various locations (including the doctor's waiting room), and different positions. Lily declines Marshall's plan to continue to have as much sex as possible, and insists on seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

They both undergo infertility testing.  You can imagine the fun the shows writers must have had when creating the sperm collection scene.  Marshall walks into the room as another man is walking out, and gets way too freaked out by the thought of another person collecting semen that he is unable to perform the task. I can imagine how intimidating and embarrassing  it would be to collect a sperm sample in a fertility clinic's office, but I would suggest watching this episode- it might lighten the mood.

Lily checks out ok, and instantly Marshall is scared he's too blame. Since male infertility is to blame 40% of the time, it's certainly a possibility, but he checks ok as well.  During this time, Marshall doesn't want to tell his father of the chance he might not be able to give him a grandchild.  He says he's used to telling his family happy news, and is embarrassed to tell them about their struggle to conceive.

It's a tough question- should I tell anyone, and if so, whom?  Ellen Speyer, a Member of The AFA's Mental Health Advisory Council wrote a wonderful article on this very subject- the pros and cons of telling people about infertility.  It's a personal decision, but loved ones are there for you during the good and the bad. 

If you're dealing with infertility I would suggest you watch this episode, and get a good laugh at infertility.  Laughter is the best medicine.

   

 

Modern Family for Modern Times

by Merry Armentrout

I have to start off this blog by apologizing. This should have been written last year. On May 19th, 2010 to be exact.  That's the day a truly unique television show debuted. 

I had heard the hype for the ABC show Modern Family from the beginning, but never actually sat down to see what all the fuss is about.  A few weeks ago I discovered an On Demand station on my TV that let me watch reruns of current shows. I decided to take the plunge, and began watching an episode of Modern Family.  Most people would say funny when describing this show- it is after all a comedy. But I'm going to go with real.  Everything about it feels real. The characters, the actors who play them and the plot line.  

I've said this many times before, but whether you want to admit it or not, the face of the American family is changing.  This show not only embraces this reality, but celebrates it with humor.

The show follows the lives of one family- the father (Jay Pritchett) is a middle-aged man who is married to a much younger, hotty wife with a son. His daughter (Claire), who takes on the traditional wife role with a husband and 3 kids, and his son (Mitchell) who is in a same sex marriage and who with his spouse has  (Cameron) has an adopted Vietnamese baby named Lily. 

The whole cast is hilarious, but Mitchell and Cameron take the cake.  It's evident they love each other, love their daughter and have a hell of a good time.  It clearly illustrates that a good marriage, a good partnership, doesn't have to consist of a man and woman, that what makes a marriage work is so much more than that.  That's what makes this show so modern.

I'm fortunate to work for a modern organization. An all-inclusive organization. The American Fertility Association- we want to spread the joy of family to everyone.  We recognize good parents come in all different forms, and that everyone has the right to a family. That includes the LGBT community. We offer numberous articles on family building information and an LGBT professional network.  We also just added a new HD video fact sheet to our library on Reproductive Options for Gay Women.

Thanks to the improvements in scientific technology, through third party reproduction, gay men and lesbians are able to have children- along with their heterosexual counterparts who are struggling to conceive naturally. Another option in family building is adoption.  Mitchell and Cameron adopted a Vietnamese child.  When you look at this family- they couldn't look more different than what you might consider a traditional family.  Granted it's just a show, but the characters have enormous amounts of love for each other.

So, cheers to you Modern Family! It's refreshing to see the real world in fictional plot lines of a national television show.  It shows Modern Family is a show for the modern world.

   

 

The Gift of the Present Moment

By Brenda Strong

I have a confession to make.  I have been stressed out lately.  Yes, even yoga teachers can let life circumstances get the best of them.

The Holidays can be a challenging time for most of us.  We all long for closeness of family, warmth and an intimacy that may resemble our favorite memories from childhood.  If our childhood memories of family don't fill us with warmth, we may seek out a fantasy of what we think family could be that it wasn't. Either way, the holidays can fill us with a mixture of feelings that may be difficult to navigate; and unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling lonely, especially if the family we long for isn't created yet. 

For many of us going through reproductive difficulties, it may be a time filled with sadness, longing, isolation and stress.  How can we navigate through this time without having a nervous breakdown or going into a depression?  The key is found in a word that is tossed around the holidays a lot.  Presents.  But instead of the kind that are tied up neatly in a bow with beautiful paper, the kind I'm talking about is free and available to us at all times.  Presence.  It is learning to be present, that allows us to receive the greatest gifts in life, the ones that touch our hearts, give us hope and connect us to ourselves, our bodies and each other.

How does one become present?  It's simple.  The quickest way to become present is through our breath.  Simply observing the breath as it passes through us, and watching it, brings us fully into this moment. When we watch the breath and are present, the body does a miraculous thing.  It opens.  And when our bodies open, our monkey mind slows down and so does our heart rate, and we become aware. When we become present to what we are feeling, we give these sensations an opportunity to release their power over us.   When we are in the presence of pure awareness, there is an opportunity to release the baggage of the past and the fearful projections of the unknown future.  There is just NOW.  And inside now, there is nothing to resist or grasp at, there is just what is.  There is a simplicity of BEING.  From this short time of connecting to our breathing, we are able to de-stress the body, release anxiety and receive the gift of this moment.  As we do this, we can start to string those moments together, and before we know it, we are on the other side of our feelings peacefully.

So this Holiday Season, as you gather together your presents for others, don't forget to give yourself the gift of the PRESENT moment. 

Someone once said, “The past is history, the future a mystery, and the present moment is all we have...that is why it is called a 'gift'."

Just remember, to receive the gift of life all you have to do is take it one breath at a time...  :-)  

Na "mama" ste

Brenda Strong is a certified 500hr E-RYT who created the Strong Yoga4Fertility program to help women worldwide.  She is the first national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association as well as a member of the board of directors. Her day job is playing “Mary Alice Young” on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

Miscarriage and the Sense of Personal Failure

by Kim Kluger-Bell, MA, LMFT

Lisa Ling, the former View host, revealed this week that following a miscarriage at 7 weeks into her first pregnancy she felt like a failure, and that she also felt very isolated and alone because no one talked about it. For this reason, she is speaking out and has created a website where women can anonymously share their experiences with miscarriage called Secret Society of Women.

 Ten years ago, when I wrote “Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage,Abortion and Other Preganancy Losses” I felt exactly the same way. The silence surrounding miscarriage only makes you feel more freakish and alone. Here is what you need to know about miscarriages:

 Miscarriages are Common

 Approximately one in 5 pregnancies in the US end in miscarriage every year. That means hundreds of thousands of women experience miscarriages every year. And most of those miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. In fact, your chance of miscarrying after that time is only 3%.

 Having One Miscarriage Doesn’t Mean You’ll have another

 Most miscarriages, however, are usually random and isolated events. Having one miscarriage only slightly increases your odds of having another one.

 The Emotional Impact can be Devastating

 For many women, the attachment to the child she is carrying begins at the moment she knows she is pregnant. That is when we begin dreaming about the baby we are carrying and imagining how our lives will change in only nine short months. Few of us hold back our excitement due to fears of a first trimester miscarriage. Instead, we start taking extraordinarily good care of ourselves—eating right, getting plenty of rest and avoiding alcohol, caffeine and tobacco products. When a loss takes place despite all of these preparations, you can feel like you did something wrong. Even the word—miscarriage—seems to imply that you did not carry your baby properly.

 It is Not Your Fault

 In many, if not most cases, the cause of your miscarriage will never be known. Again, most miscarrages are random and isolated events. Doctors now believe that at least 60% of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the developing embryo or fetus, and that another 10% are caused by various uterine abnormalties (most of which can be corrected with surgery). The remaining 30% of miscarriages may be cause by immunological factors, infections or environmental factors (including smoking and heavy alcohol use).

 Recovering from Miscarriage Takes Time

 It is often more difficult to recover emotionally from a miscarriage than it is to recover physically from one. Even if you had to have a D & C, the emotional fallout from a miscarriage can stay with you for months afterward. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and a feeling of powerlessness are very common emotions. So is a sense of generalized anxiety and the fear of another loss. It is not uncommon, especially if you are not able to become pregnant again quickly, to have an ongoing awareness of  how far along in the pregnancy you would have been if the loss had not occurred. Many women feel particularly grief-stricken around the time of the due date of that pregnancy. Miscarriage is a traumatic experience—it takes time to heal from a trauma of any kind.

 It is important to be gentle with your self and find people to talk to who are compassionate and will not judge you for the intensity of your feelings. It is also important not to blame yourself, or to isolate yourself too much. It may be impossible to spend much time around pregnant friends or those with babies or young children, but if you don’t have people in your life who are willing to share their own experiences of pregnancy loss with you, there is a large group of people out there who have been through a miscarriage, and there are many on-line resources and books available to you that can help you feel less alone.

 Websites:

• Facebook page, “Whisperers”
• www.nationalshare.org
• www.missfoundation.org

 Books:

• Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt
• Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis
• Unspeakable Losses by Kim Kluger-Bell
• Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen, Shelly Marks

Kim Kluger-Bell is a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in private practice in Berkeley, California. She specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from such reproductive crises as infertility, pregnancy loss, and abortion. She lives in Albany, California, with her husband and son.

 

 

Rachael Zoe's Next Project

by Merry Armentrout

 Baby rumors have swirled for weeks around celebrity stylist Rachael Zoe, and The American Fertility Association is excited to hear the rumors are in fact, true!

“Hey everyone!” The Rachel Zoe Project star tweeted today, “I want to officially confirm to my loyal friends and followers that I am pregnant!” Zoe continued, “I feel great, Rodger and I are beyond excited and so thankful for all of your love and support.”

The final episode of The Rachael Zoe Project Season 3 showed the Stylist to the Stars visiting a fertility clinic with her husband, Rodger Berman.  After meeting with her physician, Rachel expressed her obviously heartfelt concern that after spending 15 years building her career, and now finally being ready for a family, she's being told it might be too late.

This moment is important for two reasons. The first, no matter who you are or what you do, the biological clock is a real thing and can't be ignored, or washed away by fame. Second, Zoe's forthright honesty  has helped to educate millions of viewers by continuing the conversation about infertility, a subject often associated with shame or embarrassment that is in fact  a reality that won't go away no matter how long you try to ignore it. In fact, the longer you wait, the worse it gets.  

Surprisingly to many, one in 8 couples in the U.S. is infertile.  The American Fertility Association's goal is to have everyone not only know this statistic, but more importantly understand this statistic.  Many couples will be diagnosed with unexplained infertility - a frustrating prognosis for both the doctor and the patient. Something about infertility that is 100 percent certain- age and female fertility are related. The probability of a woman conceiving decreases 3-5 % per year after the age of 30, and at a faster rate after 40. 

One step to overcoming infertility is being aware, and being aware at an early age. That's why The AFA is launching a speaking tour at college campuses in 2011. We'll be talking with young women and men about navigating career, education and family, all with the biological clock ticking in the background. Though there are advancements being made in fertility treatments, there are no treatments for "turning back" the biological clock.

To Rachel: we're thrilled your story ended positively. Congratulations and our sincere best wishes to you and Rodger for a happy, healthy baby. And thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. It's one that we hear far too often, and sadly one that doesn't always end with a baby. We hope that many of your fans - especially the young women who look up to you as a role model - heard the message and will pay attention to it as they seek out what is best for their lives. We would be honored to work with you in the future to bring this message to as many young women as possible.

 

 Photo of Rachel: www.Style.com

Video: www.Bravo.com

Scooter pie for breakfast or, stories from Illuminations NYC

by Corey Whelan

New York is my city.  It's easier for me to strut than to walk down the streets of Manhattan, it's impossible not to feel beautiful, looking at the lights of the Empire State, feeling the air, people watching, I just love it and nothing compares.  Nothing.  And last night The AFA owned NYC.  Justin Timberlake may be bringing sexy back but last night The AFA team brought Illuminations back to this city.  And it glittered.  

What a night.  What amazing fun to be surrounded by so many people who believe in our work and in our shared vision of family.  To say that the guest list was an NYC Who's Who is an understatement.  Melinda and I were thrilled to greet Ron Delgaudio and Russell Gellis at the door.  I was so glad to give my old friend Helena Chicketano a big hug and to catch up with the kids (to me everyone under 40 is a kid) from Cornell.   I was honored to reconnect with Owen Davis, Michael Drews, Marc Goldstein, Linda Applegarth, Michael Zinger, Lisa Maleska, Terry Fortino and his beautiful wife, Santiago Munne, Julie Tavoso, Barbara Sirios who I absolutely adore, Larry Walsh, Joel and Teresa, Cristina Matera, of course my secret crush Alan Penzias, gal pal Dana Kelly, and so many others.  How cool to drink champage with Justin, Rich, Brian, Allison, all our BFF's from EMD.  To welcome Doug Weiss to our house.  To finally meet Mark Fuerst (yes Mark, you are really more handsome in person than on your facebook profile page).  

Of course the music was fabulous, Brenda looked gorgeous and the food was amazing, but the high points for me?  Of course, it was all about the kids, the next generation that we so strive for.  Connecting with Gaelin Rosenwaks, Zev's beautiful daughter, was a moment I will always remember.  Seeing Carolyn Berger's son, Ethan, all grown up!  When did that happen Carolyn?  And Patricia Mendell's sons, young men, I can't begin to tell you what it meant to me, to see these struggled for babies re-entering our fold now as young adults.  What a future they are all positioned to create. 

But it was the babies, of course, that stole the show.  Gary and Tony's little boy, and Ricky and Anthony's little girl, gurgling and cooing during Ken's opening remarks, sorry Ken but they scooped your thunder right out from under you!  The poignancy was lost on no one. 

And the high point for my kids?  The left over scooter pies from the dessert buffet that Connor and Caitlin of course, had to have for breakfast this morning.

Wow.  I am so proud of this team.  The AFA staff, our board, our sponsors and our friends.  Our collective commitment to integrity, honesty, best practices for non profits, and of course our mission of helping people to build family.  In case you don't know it yet, let me say that this, folks, is the team to be on.

New York is my city.  I was proud and honored last night to share it with the most amazing people I know.  

Glitter on.   

 

 

Desperate Housewives

by Merry Armentrout

Fall is here (at least in New England).  The leaves are starting to change color, the air is getting crisp and my TiVo is ready to roll.  I have a handful of favorite shows, and last week was full of season premiers for the fall line-up.  Idon't consider myself a TV junkie, but do relish those few hours a week where I'm able to see what kind of trouble my favorite characters (fictional and real) get themselves into and out of.  

I wrote a blog on the TV show Glee last season.  I think the show is wonderful, but I'm actually more impressed with the subjects the show broaches- infertility, adoption, LGBT family building, to name a few.  These are the things The American Fertility Association supports, and the conversations we want to take place in the mainstream- such as a prime time TV show. 

You can also find these conversations on Wisteria Lane.  Desperate Housewives capped off season six with Gaby, played by Eva Longoria, offering to donate her eggs to a gay couple, but at the last minute changes her mind, causing the Lee and Bob to break-up.  Though this television show is fictional, the issues it raises are reality for many people.

The AFA is dedicated to educating and supporting all men and women concerned with family building - including hopeful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) parents. One way this is achieved is through third party reproduction.  There are many reproductive options for gay men and lesbian women, including a resource directory to find such services.

I have to admit, I'm a bit biased toward Desperate Housewives. Brenda Strong, the voice of Mary Alice Young on the show, is the national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association.  Strong struggled with infertility, and found yoga helped alleviate the stress brought on while undergoing fertility treatments. 

It might seem like a little thing, including infertility and family building in a TV show.  But it's the little things that become part of the bigger picture in today's reality for hopeful parents.

 

Who is Lisa Faulkner?

by Maria Portella

Who is Lisa Faulkner you may ask? I certainly did. Having been out of the UK for many years, and even when I was there not a massive TV viewer, I had no idea who this popular television actress was.

Yet, someone pointed her out to me recently as an exemplary woman, who showed the 'other side' of infertility/subfertility - where medical treatment doesn't work and you have to think of something else. For some, this will be adoption and for others it will be a decision to lead a child-free life. Each is a completely valid life-choice, yet this 'side' is so under-represented in the press.

The press rarely reports the cases where medical treatment doesn't work because (a) people like to hear success stories, not sad ones; and (b) individuals are probably less willing to put themselves out there if they fear they will be viewed as a 'failure' - so it is wonderful news, when there is an occasional story like Lisa's, to help change public perception about what it means to be a family. We need more honest accounts like this one.

There is nothing but positive information in her story. In Lisa's case, she and her husband, actor Chris Coghill, opted to adopt a child and there are some wonderful points that jump out from her story:

• the path to motherhood can be via a different route - adoption;
• you are no less a 'woman' if you build your family via this route and you can hold your head up in public and say 'look at me!';
• how emotionally and financially draining medical treatment can sometimes be, for some, perhaps even cruel;
• that the adoption process is not easy and requires determination; it took the couple two years to be approved given the vigorous review process that must be undertaken by prospective parents;
• adoption can be so rewarding - Lisa and Chris have loved every minute of having their little girl Billie. Says Lisa, "Adopting is such an incredible thing to do. I really can't imagine what our lives would be like without Billie."

It also highlights what a difference having a supportive husband or partner will make. Chris spoke of his desire to adopt if medical treatment didn't work, was supportive and had a great sense of humor through it all. Lisa was very lucky and I am sure that made a massive difference. They were on the same page with respect to how they wanted to create their family unit and got through it together. Not every couple is so fortunate on this front, and it can create a whole new set of challenges to work through when you have already gone through so much.

So I would like to congratulate Lisa for her honesty and for being a real woman . She tells it to us like it was for her. She doesn't hide the fact that medical treatment doesn't always work.  Even her miracle doctor, well known in London for his efforts on behalf of couple Rod Stewart and wife Penny Lancaster, was not able to acheive the same results for Lisa and Chris. But in the end that was okay, with mutual support for each other, the pair were able to create the family of their dreams via adoption.

 

Maria Portella is originally from the U.K. and now resides in the West Indies.  Her special interest is promoting better education about fertility amongst working women.  She reached out to The American Fertility Association because she wished to share her story.

Photo: Courtesy M. Portella

 

Neil Patrick Harris

by Merry Armentrout

Actor Neil Patrick Harris has played an array of characters.  In the 90's he was Doogie Howser, the 16 year-old doctor who made the rest of us feel inadequate as teenagers whose after school activities included softball, not surgery.  Harris made a name for himself as a performer during his stint on Broadway, and he later showed off his singing and dancing skills as a host of the Emmy and Tony award shows, and recently on Glee.  He now plays Barney, a notorious bachelor (and antithesis of Doogie) on the TV show, How I Met Your Mother.  Harris has taken on many roles as an actor, but he's never played the role of a father...until now.

Harris announced on Saturday via Twitter , he's going to be a father of twins through a surrogate, along with his long-time partner David Burtka. The couple (pictured at right) have asked the media to respect their privacy during this time, but said they're both thrilled to become parents.

Conceiving children "the old fashion way" is becoming "old fashioned" itself with the continued advancement in technology to help everyone, from the traditional to non-traditional families have children.  With the help of a surrogate and egg donor , gay men can become fathers. Some of the big questions will be, should you pursue a traditional or gestational surrogacy- a traditional surrogacy is where the surrogate uses her own egg, and a gestational is where the surrogate is implanted with embryos so she has no genetic link to the baby. Harris has not commented on what surrogacy arrangement was made, or whose sperm was used. It's possible to use sperm from both Harris and Burtka. 

Gay and lesbian parenting is a controversial issue for many people, but the way I see it- Neil Patrick Harris will be a kick-ass dad.  I don't think it matters if you have a mom and dad, two dads, two mothers, a mother or a father-what matters is your loved. It doesn't hurt if your dad's a TV star either...

Photo aol

Switching It Up

by Merry Armentrout

Jennifer Aniston's new movie "The Switch" will be in theaters on August 20th.  The plot revolves around Kassie, a 40 year-old, single woman in New York, who decides she wants to have a baby.  She does so with the help of a sperm donor, but the story takes a turn when her best friend, Wally, switches the sperm, and replaces it with his own.  It seems Hollywood women are showing their independence when it comes to getting pregnant and raising a child.

Jennifer Aniston follows Jennifer Lopez, who starred in The Back- Up Plan, also a movie about a single women in her forties taking charge of her own life, and using a sperm donor to have a child.  The face of the American family is undoubtedly changing.  Jennifer Aniston told reporters during a press conference, "Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don't have to settle with a man just to have that child. Times have changed and that is also what is amazing is that we do have so many options these days, as opposed to our parents' days when you can't have children because you have waited too long."

Bill O'Reilly made his feelings very clear about this new face of the American family on his talk show, saying Jennifer Aniston's "destructive to our society." He says he knows there are many single mothers who are doing a wonderful job, but Aniston is sending the wrong message to young women- that father's aren't important.

I work for an organization that is committed to helping everyone become parents- to help spread the joy of family to everyone.  The key word is everyone.  A single women has every right to be a parent as does a married one.  Let's face it- the last time I checked, the divorce rate in America is around 50%- so getting married and having children doesn't always equal a happy ending.  I think Jennifer Aniston is sending out a great message to women- you don't have to depend on a man to have the family you want. The fact is, fertility declines with age.  The AFA is focusing efforts on preventing infertility, but there's only so much a woman can do- age is a huge factor.  Some women literally don't have the time to find a partner so they can have a child.

I wish every child in the world had a loving father, but unfortunately we all know that is far from the case.  There are many successful single mothers out there right now, and I'm sure they would all love some help, but they would never regret being a mother.  I picture a single woman, loving, caring, hard-working, and all she wants in this world is to be a mother, but she hasn't met a man she wants to share her life with, and because of this she shouldn't have children?  There's a reason the face of the American family is changing, because people want it to, not everyone, but enough do to make a difference.