The AFA Blog

Gay Dads and Lesbian Moms and the Transition to Parenthood

 

 by Kim Bergman, PhD

 After 14 attempts over 18 months of donor insemination I was finally pregnant--something I had wished for and wanted for years. That's why I was so surprised at my reaction when at 8 months pregnant I visited my friend Holly (who was a month ahead of me) right after the birth of her second son. I walked into her hospital room and saw him in her arms, tiny and pink and looking entirely too fragile and delicate. Holly immediately handed him to me (she was an expert at this, having an older daughter already). I held this tiny creature, watched his eyelids flutter, marveled as his mouth sucked reflexively and thought to myself, "No way am I prepared to do this in just one month!" It was like slow motion and one of those voice-overs saying, "Do not attempt this at home".

 My wife and I went home and proceeded to have about three days of the worst anxiety ever. Here is a peak inside my brain during those few days:

 --what were we thinking

--we have no idea what we are doing

--babies are so tiny and fragile

--what were we thinking

--what if I mess this up completely

--OMG

--how will we do it

--what were we thinking

--how will I ever leave the baby 

--what if something happens

--what were we thinking

 over and over....for several days!

 My reaction was utterly terrifying and took me completely by surprise. Over the next month my anxiety gradually subsided and on the wonderful day that my daughter was born (almost exactly 15 years ago as I write this) it was joy, and not anxiety that I felt.

 While there is really NOTHING but parenthood to prepare you for parenthood. I have found that sharing our common experiences can help ease the transition into this new phase of life, and knowing in advance some of the ways that parenthood changes us can lesson the anxiety.

 There are lots of baby books that seek to prepare people for parenthood so I am not going to talk about the emotional ups and downs, sleepless nights and endless diapers of being a new parent. Instead I am going to focus on some of the emotional issues that my wife and I, and other LGBT parents face as we make the transition to parenthood.

 For me one of the biggest deals about becoming a parent was that it was a total identity shift. As a lesbian, I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be able to be a mom at all. I hear this time and time again from the gay men and lesbians that I help on the path to parenthood. For many of us being gay or lesbian seemed incongruent with being a parent, yet we had the compelling urge to be mommies and daddies. So we find ourselves living our dream of becoming parents, and our identities have quite a transition to go through to catch up.

 For starters, gay men and lesbians who are new parents have to adjust to being the center of a lot of attention. If you live in a big city where there are a lot of other gay families you will probably be admired and ogled over. If you live in a smaller town or one where there are few or no gay families you may be the object of some hostile attention. Either way, people will likely stare a lot, and this can take some getting used to.

 The thing that goes hand in hand with this attention is a whole new level of coming out. Babies with two mommies or two daddies out their parents everywhere they go. And as the kids get older this becomes more and more of an issue when "passing" by not correcting someone’s hetero-assumptive comment has some very real consequences for a child overhearing. If we are not yet out to co-workers and employers, having a baby will make that omission hard to live with. This continual coming out can be a bit jarring at first.

 For many gay men and lesbians, our parents and family of origin have been less than supportive and we fear that our becoming parents will be a source of stress and judgment. We worry about how homophobic family members will treat our children. My mother-in-law had to have a real “talking to” when she treated my two children differently (I gave birth to one and my wife the other). We let her know that she had two grandchildren or none; happily she chose two, but we would have made the difficult choice to let her go if we had to. Many folks that I work with report fearing that their parents will not accept their children, but an almost equal number come back and tell me that once the baby was born their parents’ or in-laws’ reactions ranged from slowly accepting their grandchildren to immediate complete turnarounds as they fell in love with the baby at first sight, their homophobia dropping by the wayside. Babies can be that magical!

 To learn even more about how other gay and lesbian parents make the transition to parenthood, I did a research project to better understand the experiences of the gay men that I work with. What I discovered made me proud, and I hope that you will find it helpful:

 •     In most respects, life changes resulting from parenthood were very much like those experienced by heterosexual couples: closer relations with co-workers, a transition away from single friends toward other couples (straight and gay) with children, and less time for sleep, exercise, and hobbies.

•     Gay dads were more likely to scale back their careers in order to care for their children than heterosexual dads.

•     These fathers reported that their self-esteem and their closeness with their extended families increased after becoming parents.

•     The fathers in my study reported that their relationships with peers at work improved because of the shared parenting experience. 

•     The couples had been together an average of 12 years, and none had dissolved their relationship after becoming parents.

•     Most fathers reported that relationships with their families of origin had become closer, and that having a baby increased recognition of the couple as a family. 

•     Gay dads in my study derived pleasure and pride in taking care of their children.

•     They also received increasing validation from their families and their communities.

•     Being a parent contributed to greater meaning in their lives.

 While none of these findings surprised me it’s always good to have research to back up your ideas and personal experience.

 No matter how you create your family, the transition to parenthood is one of the most glorious experiences one can have.  And, while there are some unique issues that lesbian and gay parents may face, in the end the baby is the common denominator, and that tiny adorable bundle of magic will get you through it all. But buckle up!

 (My kids are now 15 and 12, so I am working on the next chapter in parenting, “The Transition to Parenting Teens,” which I am expecting to be as exhilarating a roller-coaster as those first 6 weeks of parenting a newborn!)

Kim Bergman. Ph.D.is the founder of Fertility Counseling Services, Inc., providing all aspects of psychological services to individuals and agencies in the field of fertility and assisted reproduction. Dr. Bergman also is a co-owner of Growing Generations LLC.

 

Kim Bergman Ph.D. 2011. All Rights Reserved.  Permission granted to The AFA

Live in the Mount Rushmore State? Better not need a donor.

by Steven Snyder, Esq.

"Fertility is an apolitical condition.  It affects those who share political beliefs with independents, liberals, and conservatives alike.  Treating infertility is about creating new families, a quintessentially universal dream that cuts across all political, religious, and social demographics.  Those who succeed in having the children they so desperately want generally become more conscious role models and more involved members of both their communities and society as a whole.  Allowing those who struggle with infertility to exercise their procreative liberty through all medical and social options available to them has only positive benefits for our society and our national stability.

Fertility comes in all shapes and sizes.  Infertility is caused equally by female factor, male factor, and undetermined reasons.  It is caused by genetic anomalies, physiology, disease, and, in all liklihood, our environment.  Sometimes infertility can be successfully treated with medications or straightforward medical procedures using the affected parent(s)' own reproductive components (egg, sperm, and uterus).  Sometimes successful treatment requires the voluntary cooperation and support of third parties who willingly and happily provide one or more of those missing components.  These third parties, these "reproductive saviors," come in the form of sperm donors, egg donors, and gestational carriers.  These people know the value of having a family, and they choose to help those who cannot realize this dream without assistance.

Clearly, the medical and social options to treat infertility have outdistanced the legislative infrastructure that is necessary to support the intended parentage of the children who result from the various treatments.  Although most states have statutes that automatically establish parentage when sperm donors are used, thereby offering a simple solution to male infertility through sperm donation, few states have similar statutory support for egg donation or gestational surrogacy.  Furthermore, the existing sperm donor statutes only apply to a very narrowly defined traditional family, one that no longer necessarily dominates our social structure.  Our current legal framework for fertility clearly discriminates against women who suffer from infertility and non-traditional families, whether intentionlly or inadvertently.  Our overall social and political objective should be to correct this imbalance and facilitate equal opportunity for infertile women and non-traditional families to have children.  It is simply the socially responsible thing to do.

When the Baby M decision was issued by the New Jersey Supreme Court in 1987, surrogacy was virtually unknown, and it typically involved a genetically-related carrier, also known as a traditional surrogate.  This combination startled society and lawmakers, and, in the next five years, approximately ten states passed legislation that banned or restricted such arrangements.  Then the medical advances eliminated the surrogate's genetic relationship through IVF, and the California Supreme Court issued its decision in Johnson v. Calvert in 1992 affirming the legal parentage of the intended parents in a gestational surrogacy dispute.  Since then, society has generally accepted surrogacy, and every state that has passed legislation relating to surrogacy has either distinguished it from adoption and/or baby-selling or expressly allowed it.  Things were moving in the right direction.

That brings me back to the apolitical nature of infertility.  Infertiliity legislation should be continuing to move forward in all states to facilitate family building of all varieties, including surrogacy.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  The fiscal conservatives who have been brought into power are also social conservative who oppose infertility treatment in general and surrogacy specifically.  This is nowhere more evident than in South Dakota (see below) where extremely regressive and onerous legislation to criminalize surrogacy has been introduced.  Physicians, agencies, and persons who participate in "commercial" surrogacy are guilty of felonies, and individuals who participate in non-commercial surrogacy are subject to fines of at least $30,000.  The law says the resulting child is placed with the surrogate as the parent unless the surrogate is unfit, and if the surrogate does not want the child, the child may be placed for adoption.

This proposed legislation is out of place in intent, content, and time.  It ignores the reality and general social acceptance of surrogacy, and it abridges various constitutional rights by trying to inappropriately legislate parentage against the parties' intent.  This will not be the last ill-advised and regressive social policy that comes out of the numerous conservative state legislatures that have been placed in power.  Those who experience infertility should be prepared to make themselves heard to protect and further the rights of the infertile by strenuously lobbying against and soundly defeating such legislation.  They shoud make themselves heard whether they are fiscal conservatives, liberals, or independents.  If this is not done, the rights of many to build stable families will be unfairly and inappropriately impaired."

___________________

State of South Dakota 

EIGHTY-SIXTH SESSION

LEGISLATIVE ASSEMBLY, 2011

592S0685

HOUSE BILL NO. 1218

Introduced by: Representatives Hunt, Bolin, Brunner, Cronin, Feickert, Gosch, Greenfield,

Hansen (Jon), Hickey, Hubbel, Jensen, Kirschman, Kloucek, Kopp,

Munsterman, Nelson (Stace), Russell, Steele, Van Gerpen, Venner, and Wick

and Senators Novstrup (Al), Kraus, and Schlekeway

1 FOR AN ACT ENTITLED, An Act to prohibit surrogate mother contracts, to prohibit

2 enforcement of such arrangements, and to establish standards to award custody of children

3 born as a result of such arrangements.

4 BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF SOUTH DAKOTA:

5 Section 1. The Legislature finds that:

6 (1) The enforcement of surrogacy agreements and contracts is contrary to the best

7 interests of children, to the State policy that custody of children should be determined

8 based upon the best interests of the children, that such arrangements are exploitive

9 of women, that such arrangements are contrary to a mother’s interest in her

10 relationship with her child, and contrary to the State’s interest in protecting the

11 relationship between a mother and her child; and

12 (2) That surrogacy arrangements and contracts, whether written or oral, are in direct

13 conflict with numerous public policies of the State of South Dakota, including: the

14 State’s policy prohibiting offers of money or payment of money in connection with

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1 an adoption; the State’s policy against trafficking 1 in children; the State’s policy that

2 no surrender of a mother’s parental rights or waiver of her constitutional right to her

3 relationship with her child will be enforced if made prior to the birth of her child; and

4 (3) That surrogacy agreements and contracts are in direct conflict with, and are designed

5 to terminate and destroy, the mother’s parental rights, her relationship with her child,

6 and her fundamental liberty and interest in that relationship, contrary to the

7 established public policy and laws of the State of South Dakota.

8 Section 2. Terms used in this Act mean:

9 (1) "Surrogacy," an arrangement, whether or not embodied in a contract, written or oral,

10 entered into by two or more persons, including the mother, sometimes referred to as

11 the "surrogate" or "gestational carrier" or "surrogate uterus", and an intended rearing

12 parent or parents, who agree, prior to insemination, or in the case of an implanted

13 embryo, prior to embryo transfer or embryo implantation, to participate in the

14 creation of a child, with the intention that the child will be reared as the child of one

15 or more of the intended parents, other than the mother;

16 (2) "Commercial surrogacy," a surrogacy arrangement involving the payment, or

17 agreement to pay, money or any valuable consideration to a broker/intermediary, or

18 the payment, or agreement to pay, money or any valuable consideration (other than

19 payment or reimbursement of medical and hospital expenses currently allowable

20 under adoption law) to a mother;

21 (3) "Broker/intermediary," a person, or an agency, association, corporation, partnership,

22 institution, society or organization, which knowingly seeks to introduce or to match

23 a prospective mother with a prospective biological father, or other intended parent,

24 for the purpose of initiating, assisting, or facilitating a surrogacy arrangement;

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1 (4) "Intended parent," a person, whether male or female, whether or not genetically

2 related to the child born as a result of a surrogacy arrangement, who is intended to

3 be the person or one of the persons who would raise the child following birth;

4 (5) "Mother," the woman who carries and gives birth to the child, whether or not she is

5 genetically related to the child.

6 Section 3. No physician, licensed by the State of South Dakota, or agent or employee of such

7 a physician shall assist in the process of insemination or embryo transfer or implantation that

8 is in connection with, or is in any way associated with, a surrogacy arrangement. A physician

9 or other person who knowingly or in reckless disregard violates this section is guilty of a Class

10 6 felony. The prosecutor who prosecutes such violation, and the court before whom the violation

11 is brought, shall, separately and independently of each other, report such violation and

12 conviction to the Board of Medical and Osteopathic Examiners.

13 Section 4. Other than the mother and the intended parents, any person, agency, association,

14 corporation, partnership, institution, society or organization, their agents and employees, which

15 engage in, promote, profit from, solicit a woman for, or otherwise assist in, commercial

16 surrogacy arrangements in the State of South Dakota, is guilty of a Class 5 felony.

17 Section 5. Any person or entity who acts as a broker/intermediary in connection with a

18 surrogacy arrangement, whether or not the person is paid or receives other consideration, is

19 guilty of a Class 6 felony.

20 Section 6. Any person, agency, association, corporation, partnership, institution, society or

21 organization, and their agents and employees, who offers, gives, or receives any money or other

22 consideration or thing of value in connection or association with a surrogacy arrangement is

23 guilty of a Class 6 felony.

24 Section 7. A surrogacy contract or arrangement, whether entered into in South Dakota, or in some other state,

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1 is unenforceable in South Dakota. A custody dispute concerning a child

2 born as a result of a surrogacy arrangement shall be resolved under South Dakota law.

3 Section 8. The mother of a child born as the result of a surrogacy arrangement has the right

4 to primary physical custody of the child following birth. If the child is in her custody following

5 birth, the mother shall keep the custody of the child if she so chooses, before and during the

6 pendency of any legal action to determine custody, unless there is proof by clear and convincing

7 evidence, that she is unfit or she poses a substantial harm to the child. If the child is not in her

8 custody following birth, the mother may exercise her right to take custody of the child, by

9 notifying the person or entity in whose custody the child then resides, in writing, anytime within

10 one hundred twenty days of the date of the child’s birth. Upon proof that such intention was

11 delivered to one or more persons in whose custody the child then resides, the court shall enter

12 an order awarding pendente lite custody to the mother. Any claim that the mother is unfit or

13 otherwise presents a likelihood that she will harm the child can only be made after the child is

14 placed with the mother, and all proof of such allegations shall be established by clear and

15 convincing evidence.

16 Section 9. At a final hearing to determine placement of the child born as a result of a

17 surrogacy arrangement, there is a legal presumption that custody of the child should be placed

18 with the mother. This presumption may be overcome by a demonstration, based on clear and

19 convincing evidence, that the mother fails to meet minimal parenting standards necessary to

20 satisfy the basic needs and welfare of the child. Such determinations may not be based on

21 consideration of economic or social class.

22 Section 10. The intended parent in a surrogacy arrangement which is not a commercial

23 surrogacy arrangement and who is not in violation of the provisions of any of sections 3, 4, 5

24 and 6 of this Act is not guilty of a crime, but is subject to civil penalties of not less than thirty

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1 thousand dollars and not more than fifty thousand dollars for a first offense, and not less than

2 fifty thousand dollars and not more than eighty thousand dollars for a second offense. An

3 intended parent who is guilty of a third offense is guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor.

4 Section 11. The intended parent or parents has a duty to provide financial support for a child

5 born as a result of a surrogacy arrangement, whether or not the intended parent has custody of

6 the child. There is a presumption that the noncustodial parent of the child born as a result of a

7 surrogacy arrangement should be given parenting time or visitation, unless it is demonstrated

8 that such visitation would be contrary to the best interests of the child. The parenting time

9 should be liberal, based on the facts of the particular case, consistent with the child’s best

10 interests.

11 Section 12. If a surrogacy arrangement is repudiated by either party, the mother is entitled

12 to have all medical and hospital expenses, including prenatal care, and the medical and hospital

13 expenses of the child incurred during child birth and for treatment for any condition of the child

14 immediately following birth, paid for by the intended parent or parents, even though the

15 surrogacy arrangement is unenforceable and the mother has custody of any child born as a result

16 of the surrogacy arrangement.

17 Section 13. If neither the intended rearing parent or parents, nor the mother are willing or

18 able to assume custody of the child, the child shall be placed for adoption in accordance with

19 statute. Until such time as adoption of the child is final, both the intended rearing parent or

20 parents and the mother are obligated consistent with their respective financial abilities, to pay

21 financial support for the child.

22 Section 14. In disputed multi-state surrogacy arrangements within the jurisdiction of the

23 South Dakota courts, South Dakota law applies.

Steven H. Snyder, Esq., is the founding and principal partner of STEVEN H. SNYDER & ASSOCIATES, ATTORNEYS AT LAW in Maple Grove, Minnesota.  Mr. Snyder is Chair of the Reproductive & Genetic Technology Committee of the Family Law Section of the American Bar Association and  chair of the legal advisory group for the American Fertility Association.

Photo: CBS News

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Amazing Story of the Birth of the “Twiblings”

by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           For those of you who haven’t read it I strongly encourage you to read Melanie Thernstrom’s New York Times Magazine article called “Meet the Twiblings” at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html.

Ms. Therstrom and her husband use an egg donor and 2 different gestational carriers that end up giving birth to twins that are born 5 days apart. I loved this article for many reasons.  She candidly discusses a multitude of issues that will be familiar to many who experience infertility.  Examples include:

1.      Beginning infertility treatment later in life.

2.      Finding a doctor that will show empathy but be honest about your best chance for success in having a healthy baby.

3.      Unscrupulous surrogacy and egg donation agencies.

4.      Legal challenges of surrogacy.

5.      Societal judgements about infertility treatment, surrogacy, and egg donation.

6.      What role do you want your egg donor and surrogate to play in your new family’s life?

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom starting out at age 41 meeting her eventual husband.  She undergoes 6 treatment failures in her attempt to have a baby. Her doctor poses a critical question that changed her life.  He asked “Is your goal to have the experience of being pregnant or is your goal to have the best chance of having a healthy baby?”  I believe that question is not asked often enough by physicians.  It is the primary question those who have had repeated fertility treatment failures need to ask themselves.

This article is filled with valuable information those in the midst of infertility treatment can apply. There is a wonderful description of meeting the 2 women who eventually become her surrogates. Fie, one of the surrogates, goes over the surrogacy agreement line by line and she and Ms. Thernstrom carefully discuss scenarios so they have a clear agreement about how to proceed. They talk about whether the surrogates will provide breast milk after the baby is born? Consider questions you must ask like who pays living costs if your surrogate is unable to work due to the pregnancy?

The surrogate’s husbands were involved and met with the Thernstroms. The role of the surrogate husband is important and is rarely considered.  Their support is invaluable during their wives pregnancy.  Ms. Thernstrom observed her surrogates in their roles as parents and that was a major consideration for her in choosing them.

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom meeting her egg donor.  It was important for her to meet the donor.  Some choose to use an anonymous donor.  She describes looking at the woman who became her egg donor and thinking “When she flashed a smile, I wondered if I had caught my first hint of my child’s grin.”  There is that natural inclination for the perspective mother to make comparisons between herself and her egg donor.  Consider your feelings about that and what role if any you want your egg donor to play in your future child’s life.

The Thernstrom’s speak with the director of their egg donor agency about disclosure. She recommends “tell everyone or tell no one.”  Disclosure is one of the more challenging aspects of infertility.  You need to decide if you want your child to hear directly from you in your own words about their birth.  You may risk your child possibly learning from someone else. How  will that impact your child and your relationship with him/her?

Using a surrogate or an egg donor requires a huge leap of faith. You have to trust that the donor is honest about their medical history.  You want to believe your surrogate will take all the necessary steps you would to be as healthy as possible during the pregnancy.

Ms. Thernstrom coins the phrase “twiblings” to describe her children.  The same egg donor was used and the embryos were transferred the same day. The kids were born 5 days apart from two different gestational carriers. She also uses the word “Fairy Goddonor” to describe her egg donor.  Much like Sarah Palin’s word “refudiate” I hope these words should become an accepted part of English language.

            I thought a lot about this remarkable story. This particular case involved a small “village” of people united together to create a family. I applaud the courage of Ms. Thernstrom for telling her story in such a public forum.  She has gotten both praise and unwelcome comments from friends, professionals and strangers.  I realized that all of us have a unique story to tell about how we become a family. It is our choice how and whether to tell it or not

Something went bump in the night

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

No.3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

As your daughter approaches puberty, changes are bubbling and brewing under her skin, waiting for a chance to erupt: pimples and breasts. OMG!!! That would be a typical reaction on her part..."I can't go to school. Daddy, please write me a medical absence note."  Hopefully, she isn't the first child in her class to get either of them. You may want to start praying now that she is neither the first, nor the last of the girls in her class for either type of new growth.  At lease, let someone else's child go first, pleeeease. Today I'm talking less about pimples, than about how you, as a single Dad, can help your daughter cope with some of the less welcome aspects of growing up.

If there aren't any women or older sisters in your daughter's life and it's all down to you to help her through this coming-of-age trauma, G-d bless you. Think back to your own pre-teen time and try to remember how you felt when your very first, red, shiny and possibly painful pimple took up residence on your face. I think it's fair to say that most of us approached the mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust and then checked every 5 minutes to see if it had gone yet.

She may try to deal with it on her own first. You may find "pimple" in the history of her Google searches. She may be whispering into the phone a lot.  I advise you to pretend ignorance before she brings up the subject herself, no matter how glaring the mini-mountain.  If she pretends that the pimple isn't there, you would be best to ignore it too. The positive message you are giving her is that if she's not bothered, you're not bothered.

But, what do you do if your daughter reacts as if Mt Vesuvius is erupting on her nose? Panic. Evacuate. The sky is falling. The way that you respond is crucial to this second test (first was hygiene) of your new relationship. "What new relationship; nothing's changed" you might ask. It surely has. Before, you were the father who picked her up from a fall, kissed the bruise and put a Band-Aid on it, reassuring her that everything would be fine.  That will not placate her now. Instead, you must be careful:

• Don't use more negative or exaggerated words than the ones she uses;
• Don't react emotionally. Do not say "you're growing up. You're not my little girl anymore," because that will confirm her worst fears (that comes in my next post about breasts). She wants you to help, protect and support her; or
• Don't laugh, say she is over-reacting or call her silly. Her face has been smooth, soft and unadorned all of her short life thus far. Now she has a Christmas tree bauble on it.

Equip yourself with both emotional and practical tools for parenting in this area, traditionally the domain of mothers.

In your Single Father's Toolkit, make sure you have:

• familiarity with a good search engine,
• friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends,
• knowledge of which pharmacy and/or supermarket is open late,
• familiarity with trusted names in skincare,
• calm, patience and wisdom, confidence; and most of all
• time and attention to devote to your daughter. 

Back to that pimple now. If she is hysterical, or extremely low, comfort her. Look your daughter in the eyes and keep calm, speaking to her with a soothing voice. Be patient. Don't drop away. Eventually, she will calm down too. If she seems able to listen, tell her what causes a pimple. If you know what something is or how it works, explain. If you don't, it's not necessary to bluff. You will earn much more credibility by being honest, so look it up together, or ask if you can talk to her a little later.  Patiently, explain to her how to keep her face clean and not to scratch, pick or otherwise attack her pimple.

The most painful part of having pimples is the social aspect of it. She still has to go to school.  She will probably worry that she will be stared at, teased or called a name. Even if there's not a boy-crush to worry about, other kids can be insensitive or even cruel when they see a sign of vulnerability. It's not necessarily going to be bad, but you can't promise her that it won't happen. Remind her that she has friends there, who care about her feelings. Reassure her...if her classmates haven't had one yet, their time will come. She will have an opportunity to be kind toward them, adopting a stance of blemish-blindness; what you pretend you don't see becomes invisible.

Men Having Babies – Greenwich Village 2010

by Carolyn Berger, LCSW

Last Sunday AFA Staffer Melinda Micciola and I attended the 6^th Annual “Men Having Babies” Educational Forum at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community  Center in the heart of Greenwich Village.

Terry Boggis, The Center’s Family Policy Advocate and a longtime supporter of The AFA, had invited us there to provide information about surrogacy and tell people about how The AFA could help.  One of the upsides to this was the chance to listen to a national panel of experts covering the psychological, legal, and medical aspects of surrogacy.  A second panel would focus on gay men telling their stories about how they  had formed their families through gestational and traditional surrogacy  

 The events of the day are crystallized into one striking image for me.  It is of two men tending to a baby boy with brown hair and almond eyes.  The men are clearly the parents of this baby and they are taking turns holding him and jiggling him in their arms with all the seriousness of new parents.  The connection among the three of them is palpable.

 I know I studied them longer than I would have studied a heterosexual couple with their child.  I am straight and I was curious—I wondered if there would be differences in how they interacted with their baby.  Instead, I was struck by the similarities.  These parents were so connected and loving—and so clearly besotted with their little guy.  They reminded me of myself and my husband twenty years ago after our baby boy was born and everything he did seemed like a miracle.

 Later, as Terry Boggis deftly moved the day’s program along, Melinda and listened to the Panel of Experts, and then turned our attention to the people who came by our table for information during the break. They were hungry for information and the company of others on the same family building quest—how else could you explain the 50-plus attendees who came on a rainy weekend afternoon?

 I remembered that time in my own life when I was searching, not for a surrogate, but for information about my infertility.  Infertility was barely out of the closet then and we were so eager to be with others experiencing the same thing.  It is so mainstream now, but back then it was, more often than I care to recall, a source of shame.  We were “infertility pioneers,” seeking the solace of others.

 During the second panel-- Personal Stories-- parents, along with their surrogates and egg donors, spoke about how they had built their families. Situated as we were in the back of the room, it was hard to hear everything.  But among the speakers was the gay couple we had seen earlier.  (The baby, whom we had been tracking all afternoon, was safely in the arms of another adult.)

 And then a funny thing happened. I heard that the men’s names were Tony and Gary, and their baby was Nick.  They were talking about a documentary about their journey to parenthood. 

  I’m someone who believes there are forces in our lives that go far beyond our understanding.  Nothing delights me more than when I experience “evidence” of this.  Call it bashert (a Yiddish word meaning destiny), synchronicity, or, in this particular case, serendipity—a propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated.

 Whatever you call it, I knew in a flash that the Gary and Tony at the front of the room were the same Gary and Tony who were featured in CNN’s documentary “Gary and Tony Have a Baby,” hosted by Soledad Obrien in CNN’s “Gay in America” series.  Coincidentally, The AFA will be honoring this documentary on November 10^th at our “Illuminations” event in New York City.

 At the end of the day, Melinda and I felt incredibly fortunate (touched by an angel?) to get to meet Tony and Gary and invite them to Illuminations.  Happily, they will be coming, along with Baby Nick. I think this is a stellar example of “bashert” or “meant to be,” don’t you?

 Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is Founding Chair and current Board Member of The AFA.  She has a private practice specializing in Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption in Manhattan and Larchmont, NY.

Shaving, bleaching, waxing, threading...huh?

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

Second installment in Lisa's Single Dad series

Men, do you remember when you used to watch your father shave in the mirror every morning? It's entrancing; not least because hair on your smooth face was hard to contemplate. The concentration required meant he couldn't talk to you at the same time. Shaving made the bristly bits go smooth and he smelled nice afterwards.  You dreamed of the day when you could be a man and shave too.

Well, it's not exactly the same with girls and shaving. Most women shave in the shower, without an audience. It's hard to see what you are doing, but easier than contorting yourself like a Chinese acrobat to get one foot in the sink and keep the other firmly on the floor, while naked or in a nightie. If you don't have an older woman in the house, your daughter is going to need some help from you. Step up.

A lot of us women were raised with the message "no pain, no gain." In other words, you have to suffer to be beautiful. I suffered plenty; I used a disposable razor on my legs and invariably skinned my knee, shin or ankle every week.  Bloody disaster zone.  Of course, it's not universal that women must have shiny, hair-free legs, but in most Western countries you can take it for granted. However, you do not have to suffer too much for your beauty if you are smart about it.

One thing you have to keep in mind, (and this goes for hair, skin, teeth, breasts and fingernails) is that women, and even pre-teen, women-to-be, check each other out at every opportunity.  If a girl discovers that her classmate or camp bunkmate is shaving, she will want to do it too. The other motivating factor can be if she noticed that her legs or underarms have more hair than any other girl she knows. Take into account:

• her age;
• how noticeable her body hair is;
• her level of interest;
• peer pressure; and
• your ability to teach her what she needs to know.

When your daughter first mentions shaving her legs, mentally go through this list and casually ask her why it has come up. Obviously, a razor and shaving cream aren't cult items, but you may be surprised to find out that she knows a lot about them. Ads on TV and in girls' magazines make it sound very grown up and either exciting or terrifying. She doesn't need the razor.  What she really needs is a solution to a problem, as she sees it. That goes back to whether she is really hairy or whether she just wants to do what the other girls are doing.

Girls are coming to these milestones earlier these days. I think I started shaving my legs and underarms in 8th grade, age 12 or 13. It just seemed right at the time. My own child first asked me at age 9, which I thought way too young. She then wore knee socks with her school uniform, or trousers, until I gave in the following year. It intially bothered me, as a mother, that she was rushing into teen-hood when she wasn't even "double-digits" yet. However, if faced with an unhappy child, you have to ask yourself if the principle of a minimum age is a worthy one. I think not. The compromise could be that she doesn't shave, but can use a depilatory cream, such as Veet, that is spread on, left for 5 - 10 minutes and washes off in the shower. Very uncomplicated and blood-free, as it should be.

Moving on to other body hair: face, arms and tummy. I'm not talking about werewolf levels of hair. Your daughter may think she has a noticeably hairy upper lip, forearms or the vertical line from belly button to bikini line. If she is dark-haired, she may be right. If she never noticed before, but suddenly it bothers her, it is probably because aother child pointed it out to her. Do not let her shave these areas, or when it grows back it will be blunt-edged and bristly.

There are choices here; home-bleaching kits like Jolene Creme Bleach (a.k.a. Jolen) and Boots Expert Hair Lightener. Take it from someone who has had more than a few home-grooming disasters;

1. Do not let your 11-year old, or even 13 yearold do this for the first time by herself. That's why you are there;
2. Follow the directions, do the patch test it recommends and don't leave it on longer than you are meant to;
3. Beware: some people can have an allergic reaction to the ingredients, so do the suggested test patch first. Also, her hair may go blond, but it could also go strawberry blond, which is reddish.  Again, do the patch test first. 
4. Don't let her brothers, if there are any, see your daughter with bleach on her  upper lip. It leaves the door open for much teasing, and tears.

This is a very viable option and usually does the trick, however, if it doesn't work for her (too much hair, reddish hair, etc...), the alternative is waxing.

Waxing body hair has its pros and cons. The pros are that it leaves your skin smooth and hair-free, with no blunt edge as it grows back over the next month or so. You can wax pretty much anywhere (pro), as long as you she can stand the pain (con). If you are there, she will scream and cry louder (con) and you will wince with each strip of wax (con). I would always recommend you take her to a professional who is experienced in waxing, because they do it very quickly. Yes, it hurts, but it works (Big Pro). 

Threading is the new tweezing, though it isn't new at all. Eyebrows are funny things; on a young girl's face they are often quite thick and feathery,which looks fine with her soft features. However, women, who want to look more sophisticated, prefer a sharper line to their brow. Over the past 10 years or so, brows have been promoted by beauty therapists as the "frame" for our eyes, evidenced by the creation of "brow bars," where you can go for 1 or many methods of hair removal.

If a girl has heavy eyebrows, she will eventually want to shape them. In Western countries, this was traditionally done by plucking hairs out with tweezers.  A whole company, Tweezerman, was created to sell trendy, but excellent, tweezers. The concept includes limited edition colours and patterns decorating the arms of the tweezer; such as pink for a breast cancer campaign. While tweezing and waxing obviously work, threading has been taking the beauty world by storm. It comes from Asian and Arabic cultures like Iran. Practitioners use a pure, thin, twisted thread which is rolled over untidy hair on the face, plucking it at the follicle level. Threading can remove an entire row of hair, resulting in a straighter line. It's not for the squeamish, as many practitioners anchor the cotton thread between their teeth,which can be very off-putting.

Whatever the situation with your daughter, take it slowly. Either you will have to be observant, so as to notice that she needs some help,or you will have to be there to comfort her when she decides that it bothers her enough to do something about it.

• Ask her if a friend is already shaving, waxing, bleaching, tweezing or threading. Ask her if she minds you calling that friend's mother for a consultation.
• Ask her aunt, cousin or older friend to take her to the store to buy whatever she wants to try.
• Ask if she needs help, and even if she says no, stay outside the bathroom door in case of a crisis. 
• Keep it in perspective; it's just hair, not health, but if it matters to your daughter, it has to matter to you too.

One final warning: do not try to do it all at once. One small area from start to finish, at first; see how it goes, then take a successful remedy further. I wish you good luck on these bumps in the road.

No. 4 in a series for single fathers, raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body.

 

Everything Fertility

by Merry Armentrout

I moved from Birmingham, AL to Boston when I was 22 years-old.  I immediately fell in love with the city.  There are so many differences between my Southern hometown and Beantown.  When I left Birmingham most of my friends were either planning a wedding or enjoying life as a newlywed.  I was doing neither, and was delighted to find the twenty somethings in Boston were relishing single life as well.  There's not that constant pressure to get married and start a family in a city such as Boston.  I noticed people my age were more concerned with finding a career, not pushing a baby carriage.  This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, but when facing the inevitable truth of a woman's biological clock , well, I hate to sound cliche, but time is a ticking...

Many women don't realize they're fertility starts to decline at about 27, maybe, after months of trying to conceive you're getting nervous, or a gay couple might not know their options if they want to start a family, and a single woman could be curious about sperm donation...all of these scenarios are someone's reality in Boston.  Luckily The AFA, along with Fertility SOURCE Companies, are bringing the people of Beantown a free lesson in Infertility 101.

On September 14th, Dr. Merle Berger and Susan Pinnell, RN from Boston IVF and Susan Crockin, Esq. of Crockin Law and Policy Group, will be leading a casual discussion, over dinner, on everything fertility...from infertility prevention and reproductive health to egg donation and surrogacy.  The talk will take place at M.J. O'Connor's Irish Pub at Park Plaza in Boston, starting at 6:00pm.  The best part part- the event is free- including the dinner buffet.  The setting is casual and relaxed, so this is a great time to learn the facts, and find out solutions for your fertility needs.  Reservations are required, please contact Corey Whelan at [email protected] or 718-853-1411.

If you live in Boston, I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.  Whether you're curious about what steps you can take now to help preserve your fertility, finding a surrogate or want to learn about egg donation, this is a great setting to ask questions and get answers from experts in the field of infertility and third party reproduction law.

 

 

 

Neil Patrick Harris

by Merry Armentrout

Actor Neil Patrick Harris has played an array of characters.  In the 90's he was Doogie Howser, the 16 year-old doctor who made the rest of us feel inadequate as teenagers whose after school activities included softball, not surgery.  Harris made a name for himself as a performer during his stint on Broadway, and he later showed off his singing and dancing skills as a host of the Emmy and Tony award shows, and recently on Glee.  He now plays Barney, a notorious bachelor (and antithesis of Doogie) on the TV show, How I Met Your Mother.  Harris has taken on many roles as an actor, but he's never played the role of a father...until now.

Harris announced on Saturday via Twitter , he's going to be a father of twins through a surrogate, along with his long-time partner David Burtka. The couple (pictured at right) have asked the media to respect their privacy during this time, but said they're both thrilled to become parents.

Conceiving children "the old fashion way" is becoming "old fashioned" itself with the continued advancement in technology to help everyone, from the traditional to non-traditional families have children.  With the help of a surrogate and egg donor , gay men can become fathers. Some of the big questions will be, should you pursue a traditional or gestational surrogacy- a traditional surrogacy is where the surrogate uses her own egg, and a gestational is where the surrogate is implanted with embryos so she has no genetic link to the baby. Harris has not commented on what surrogacy arrangement was made, or whose sperm was used. It's possible to use sperm from both Harris and Burtka. 

Gay and lesbian parenting is a controversial issue for many people, but the way I see it- Neil Patrick Harris will be a kick-ass dad.  I don't think it matters if you have a mom and dad, two dads, two mothers, a mother or a father-what matters is your loved. It doesn't hurt if your dad's a TV star either...

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