The AFA Blog

International adoption alert: China is resuming adoption applications from single women.

The following information was supplied via our friends at the Ametz Adoption Program:  The China Center for Adoption Affairs is opening the program to aid in finding good families for their Special Focus Children. Children with a Special Focus designation are those who have been waiting on the shared list for more than two months; they are generally older (pre-school- and school-aged) or any age (infant through school-aged) who have an identified special need. The following is the notice released by the CCAA: Government departments and adoption agencies in receiving countries, In order to promote special needs child adoption and guarantee the basic interests of the orphaned and disabled children, CCAA decided to accept the adoption applications from female single applicants to adopt according to the requirements listed in this notice, starting from March 15, 2011: Female single applicants are allowed to adopt special focus children listed on the special Needs System of CCAA. One applicant can only adopt one special focus child at a time, with an interval of at least one year between two adoptions. The applicant shall have reached the age of 30 years and are under 50. For applicants over 50, the age difference between the child to be adopted and the applicant shall be no more than 45 years. The applicant shall provide her civil status certificate. Unmarried applicants shall provide certification for being single and non-homosexual; divorced applicants shall provide the divorce certificate of the last marriage; and widowed applicants shall provide the death certificate of their ex-spouse. The reason of being single and attitude towards marriage. Applicants shall have clear indication of willingness to appoint male figures as role models for the adopted child, and welcome male friends to join family gatherings. Applicants shall have received inter-country adoption training and training specifically for special needs child adoption so as to understand fully the physical and psychological needs of special needs children. Detailed nurturing and rehabilitation plan. Applicants shall be qualified personally and socially for caring special needs children and have wide social and family supporting network which can provide assistance any time. Guardians appointed by the applicants shall provide written statement as consent to act as the guardian of the adopted child. X. If the applicant has a stable relationship and lives with a male partner, t he requirements of couple applicants shall be applied. Applicants shall be healthy both physically and mentally according to the requirements by CCAA for prospective adoptive couples. Applicants shall be law abiding with no criminal records, and have good moral quality and conduct. The family annual income shall reach $10,000 per family member, including the prospective adoptee and the family net assets value should reach $100,000. The applicant shall have good medical insurance which can cover the medical expense of the adopted child. Applicants shall be experienced in child caring or be occupied in child-related fields, such as doctor, nurse, teacher, child psychological counselor, etc. It's best that the applicants have already had successful experience in caring for special needs children. The number of children in the applicant's family under the age of 18 years shall be no more than two, and the youngest one should have reached the age of 6 years old. Applicants shall be fully prepared for adopting a special focus child. Social workers shall provide the following information fully and timely in the home study reports besides family visit interviews: Adoption motive. The decision to adopt a special focus child shall be well-considered. Applicants shall be capable of caring for a special need child and be responsible for the well-being of the child. For information about Ametz's upcoming adoption conference please click here. Photo: Hongqi Zhang

Once I adopt, will I think about adoption all the time?

by Kathy Brodsky, LCSW

Parents are parents and they think about their children all the time. Whether you’ve adopted or given birth, your role is one of protector, teacher, and nurturer.  In this role, you see everyday life through your eyes and the eyes of your child. You manage activities, meal plans, play dates, household affairs, family, friends, and community, and are always aware of the external environment surrounding your child and family.

Part of this three-ring circus is to keep your eyes on the ball at all times. Sometimes it sits quietly on the floor. Sometimes it is thrown into the air. Sometimes it is foisted onto a trapeze and flies high. But you NEVER take your eyes off the ball.

In your vigilance, you watch how each toss of the ball affects you and your child. You compare what you know with what you suspect. You sort through the options and choose carefully for what seems appropriate at any moment.

For adoptive parents, the adoption interweaves through daily activities. Sometimes you let it lie dormant. Sometimes you respond to a comment from your child, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Sometimes you raise the issue and choose to throw adoption into the arena to be noticed.

It is common to think about birth parents when your child does something that seems alien to you. Perhaps she has a special talent that is not learned from you. She has an interest that does not match yours. Her behavior is not in sync with the norm in your family. It is not uncommon to think of birth parents when your child does something wonderful and you want to tell everyone who would care. She learned to play the piano. She sings like an angel. She won a prize. She had a birthday. It is also common to think of birth parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day, the day your adoption was finalized, and the day you first met your child or got your referral.

Thinking about the birth parents on any of these occasions or at other times is okay. It is more than okay. It is expected.  It does not mean you are less attached to your child. It does not mean you are any less of a parent. It is actually a sign of parental strength that you are recognizing an important part of who your child is -- for all adopted children are a mix of nature and nurture.

Rejoice in your ability to be your child’s best advocate. You are able to see all sides of your child. You are the ringmaster. You can bring the members of the troupe out of the shadows. You can allow thoughts and feelings to be expressed, and some of you may even want to have your child’s birth family be part of your life and decision-making process.

If you need a lesson or two, ask for help from an informed counselor or from other parents who have successfully stepped into the ring. You can learn to juggle all the balls, and know when to grab one or let another fly.

So, will you think about adoption?  Yes. But rather than worry about it, help your child and family embrace it.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW, has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. Kathy is an Advisory Board Member of The AFA and was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. She formed her family through adoption.

 

The right to say goodbye. A legislative update.

  
 
by Corey Whelan

One of the most well read and vastly circulated blogs that The AFA has ever published appeared on this page last April, entitled "Old Gay Bones".  This piece relayed a tragic situation experienced by all too many LGBT families, that of not being allowed to visit, or comfort, a relative in a hospital.  No matter if that relative is a mom or a dad, or a grand dad, or a loving partner.  No matter if that relative is merely sick or silently dying, the spouses, children, loved ones of these individuals were often kept away from the bedsides of those who needed them most.  Who sometimes, needed them for the very last time.  

I must say, kudos to President Obama for being able to push this one through.  As of this week, patients at hospitals nationwide will now be allowed to decide who can visit them, and who is authorized to make decisions on their behalf.  New federal regulations that were put into effect this past Tuesday have made sexual orientation, gender identity or family makeup superfluous to the more significant issues at hand in these situations - those most human of issues.  Who do we need?  Who do we love? Who do we want to be with us, when we die?

Hospitals must now inform patients and their attending friends and families of their rights to visitors of their choosing.

For more on this story, click here.

 

 

Getting Ready to Adopt? The First Step Is to Envision the Child You Hope to Bring Home.

by Caroline Berger, LCSW

Come join me this Wednesday, 12/8, when Kim Hahn interviews me on “Conceive On-Air.”  We will be talking about how one decides which type of child they wish to adopt.  Simply go to www.voiceamerica.com at 2pm Eastern Time or 11 am Pacific Time.  (The show will last an hour.)  And, if you can’t make it, you can listen to a re-run by checking in at the same website.

 One of the first things I ask couples and individuals who have decided to adopt is to imagine the child they will bring home.  While we can’t stack the cards in favor of a child with a sweet disposition or a baby who is colic-free, we can ask ourselves about the age and race the child will be, along with other characteristics.

 Some prospective parents who have already raised an infant may find an older child appealing.  Usually, an older child will come through international adoption or foster care, where there are many “waiting children.”  One of the advantages of adopting an older child is that you can already determine whether there are developmental delays or other health problems and asked yourselves if you are prepared to deal with them.  A disadvantage is that some of the parent-infant bonding that occurs in the early months of life has already happened (or not).  People wishing to adopt older children tend to take these issues in stride.

 If your heart tells you that you want to adopt a newborn so that you can cherish the early months of a child’s life, you will need to look into domestic adoption (either independent or through an agency).  You will have less of an opportunity to get a heads-up on whether your child may have any developmental delays, but you will have the opportunity to be the baby’s first caregiver whom the child will attach to first.

 Envisioning the child you hope to adopt can force you to look deeply into your values, beliefs, and preferences.  In no case is this more important than when looking into transracial adoption.  Adopting transracially can be challenging—you will become a transracial family— but it can also be deeply satisfying.

 I hope you’ll join Kim Hahn and me this Wednesday so we can continue this conversation!

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

Betty Jean Lifton Dies

 

By Carolyn Berger, LCSW

Betty Jean Lifton, who was an early proponent of open adoption, died at the age of 84 in Cambridge, Massachusetts on November 19^th.

It’s impossible to talk about the internal world of an adoptee without bringing up Lifton.  She was an adoptee herself and a therapist who worked with all members of the adoption triad—the adoptee, birthparents, and adoptive parents.  She wrote a number of books and is best known for “Twice Born:  Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter,” “ Lost and Found:  The Adoption Experience,” and “Journey of the Adopted Self:  A Quest for Wholeness.”

None of these books is for the faint of heart, but they are undeniably compelling.  Lifton tells us things we might have known about adoption if we were to speak honestly with adoptees from early childhood on.  She tells us about the self of an adoptee who did not know who his parents were or where they came from—the self that sought a kind of wholeness it had been denied-- and the journey this self took toward healing. 

The world of adoption would be very different today if Lifton hadn’t encouraged open adoption and the transparency to which it aspires.  Bringing birthparents and adoptive parents together for the sake of a child is rarely easy, but it allows the child an authentic sense of self which is simply unavailable through closed adoption. 

While Lifton’s books aren’t always easy to read—it can be hard to see the struggles of the adopted self laid bare-- they are immeasurably valuable to us all.

Thank you, Betty Jean Lifton, for all that you have given us.

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

 

Life has a deadline too.

by Corey Whelan

My daughter doesn't pick up after herself.  Those TV shows about hoarders scare the crap out of me because her room looks a little bit like that.  My son is much more meticulous. But sometimes, it's hard for us to find common ground in our conversations, that's just the way it is right now.  And many days, I just get very, very tired. 

On other days I am energized, invigorated, but not by family so much as by my job. I work from home and often when the kids burst in from school, they are bursting in on a very productive but all consuming work day for me, bursting in on my consciousness when what I really want is to be writing, having a relationship with my computer, and not with them.

My IVF twins.

Whom I love.

Wanted.

Struggled to Conceive.

And who sometimes annoy the crap out of me and I wish they'd just go away, for five minutes, ten, just twenty more minutes.

I saw this video today and I sobbed my heart out.  I remembered how desperately I struggled to have these babies, how much I longed for them, how much I bargained with God for them and promised to be The Perfect Mother Always.  I remembered.

I love my babies, now fifteen years old.  I love them, my always babies and I am grateful.  And I wanted to share my honest heart that sometimes?  No matter how much you wanted and loved them and all of the rest of it, sometimes, the mom gig, especially the single mom gig, can truly get to you.  And you just feel tired.  And you know that all of those younger, beautiful women out there who read your words on this page and are currently TTC, will think you're a monster, a brat, a sham for feeling this way.

I wanted to post this today so I would stop myself short the next time my beautiful daughter wants to show me her new aerobics routine and all I can think about is a writing deadline, to remember that life has a deadline too.

I wanted to share this video with you, so that you would remember too.  And for those of you who find that these lyrics rip you to shreds because you are not there yet, remember, you will make it there.  You will make it too.