The AFA Blog

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

Once I adopt, will I think about adoption all the time?

by Kathy Brodsky, LCSW

Parents are parents and they think about their children all the time. Whether you’ve adopted or given birth, your role is one of protector, teacher, and nurturer.  In this role, you see everyday life through your eyes and the eyes of your child. You manage activities, meal plans, play dates, household affairs, family, friends, and community, and are always aware of the external environment surrounding your child and family.

Part of this three-ring circus is to keep your eyes on the ball at all times. Sometimes it sits quietly on the floor. Sometimes it is thrown into the air. Sometimes it is foisted onto a trapeze and flies high. But you NEVER take your eyes off the ball.

In your vigilance, you watch how each toss of the ball affects you and your child. You compare what you know with what you suspect. You sort through the options and choose carefully for what seems appropriate at any moment.

For adoptive parents, the adoption interweaves through daily activities. Sometimes you let it lie dormant. Sometimes you respond to a comment from your child, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Sometimes you raise the issue and choose to throw adoption into the arena to be noticed.

It is common to think about birth parents when your child does something that seems alien to you. Perhaps she has a special talent that is not learned from you. She has an interest that does not match yours. Her behavior is not in sync with the norm in your family. It is not uncommon to think of birth parents when your child does something wonderful and you want to tell everyone who would care. She learned to play the piano. She sings like an angel. She won a prize. She had a birthday. It is also common to think of birth parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day, the day your adoption was finalized, and the day you first met your child or got your referral.

Thinking about the birth parents on any of these occasions or at other times is okay. It is more than okay. It is expected.  It does not mean you are less attached to your child. It does not mean you are any less of a parent. It is actually a sign of parental strength that you are recognizing an important part of who your child is -- for all adopted children are a mix of nature and nurture.

Rejoice in your ability to be your child’s best advocate. You are able to see all sides of your child. You are the ringmaster. You can bring the members of the troupe out of the shadows. You can allow thoughts and feelings to be expressed, and some of you may even want to have your child’s birth family be part of your life and decision-making process.

If you need a lesson or two, ask for help from an informed counselor or from other parents who have successfully stepped into the ring. You can learn to juggle all the balls, and know when to grab one or let another fly.

So, will you think about adoption?  Yes. But rather than worry about it, help your child and family embrace it.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW, has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. Kathy is an Advisory Board Member of The AFA and was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. She formed her family through adoption.

 

The right to say goodbye. A legislative update.

  
 
by Corey Whelan

One of the most well read and vastly circulated blogs that The AFA has ever published appeared on this page last April, entitled "Old Gay Bones".  This piece relayed a tragic situation experienced by all too many LGBT families, that of not being allowed to visit, or comfort, a relative in a hospital.  No matter if that relative is a mom or a dad, or a grand dad, or a loving partner.  No matter if that relative is merely sick or silently dying, the spouses, children, loved ones of these individuals were often kept away from the bedsides of those who needed them most.  Who sometimes, needed them for the very last time.  

I must say, kudos to President Obama for being able to push this one through.  As of this week, patients at hospitals nationwide will now be allowed to decide who can visit them, and who is authorized to make decisions on their behalf.  New federal regulations that were put into effect this past Tuesday have made sexual orientation, gender identity or family makeup superfluous to the more significant issues at hand in these situations - those most human of issues.  Who do we need?  Who do we love? Who do we want to be with us, when we die?

Hospitals must now inform patients and their attending friends and families of their rights to visitors of their choosing.

For more on this story, click here.

 

 

Getting Ready to Adopt? The First Step Is to Envision the Child You Hope to Bring Home.

by Caroline Berger, LCSW

Come join me this Wednesday, 12/8, when Kim Hahn interviews me on “Conceive On-Air.”  We will be talking about how one decides which type of child they wish to adopt.  Simply go to www.voiceamerica.com at 2pm Eastern Time or 11 am Pacific Time.  (The show will last an hour.)  And, if you can’t make it, you can listen to a re-run by checking in at the same website.

 One of the first things I ask couples and individuals who have decided to adopt is to imagine the child they will bring home.  While we can’t stack the cards in favor of a child with a sweet disposition or a baby who is colic-free, we can ask ourselves about the age and race the child will be, along with other characteristics.

 Some prospective parents who have already raised an infant may find an older child appealing.  Usually, an older child will come through international adoption or foster care, where there are many “waiting children.”  One of the advantages of adopting an older child is that you can already determine whether there are developmental delays or other health problems and asked yourselves if you are prepared to deal with them.  A disadvantage is that some of the parent-infant bonding that occurs in the early months of life has already happened (or not).  People wishing to adopt older children tend to take these issues in stride.

 If your heart tells you that you want to adopt a newborn so that you can cherish the early months of a child’s life, you will need to look into domestic adoption (either independent or through an agency).  You will have less of an opportunity to get a heads-up on whether your child may have any developmental delays, but you will have the opportunity to be the baby’s first caregiver whom the child will attach to first.

 Envisioning the child you hope to adopt can force you to look deeply into your values, beliefs, and preferences.  In no case is this more important than when looking into transracial adoption.  Adopting transracially can be challenging—you will become a transracial family— but it can also be deeply satisfying.

 I hope you’ll join Kim Hahn and me this Wednesday so we can continue this conversation!

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

Betty Jean Lifton Dies

 

By Carolyn Berger, LCSW

Betty Jean Lifton, who was an early proponent of open adoption, died at the age of 84 in Cambridge, Massachusetts on November 19^th.

It’s impossible to talk about the internal world of an adoptee without bringing up Lifton.  She was an adoptee herself and a therapist who worked with all members of the adoption triad—the adoptee, birthparents, and adoptive parents.  She wrote a number of books and is best known for “Twice Born:  Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter,” “ Lost and Found:  The Adoption Experience,” and “Journey of the Adopted Self:  A Quest for Wholeness.”

None of these books is for the faint of heart, but they are undeniably compelling.  Lifton tells us things we might have known about adoption if we were to speak honestly with adoptees from early childhood on.  She tells us about the self of an adoptee who did not know who his parents were or where they came from—the self that sought a kind of wholeness it had been denied-- and the journey this self took toward healing. 

The world of adoption would be very different today if Lifton hadn’t encouraged open adoption and the transparency to which it aspires.  Bringing birthparents and adoptive parents together for the sake of a child is rarely easy, but it allows the child an authentic sense of self which is simply unavailable through closed adoption. 

While Lifton’s books aren’t always easy to read—it can be hard to see the struggles of the adopted self laid bare-- they are immeasurably valuable to us all.

Thank you, Betty Jean Lifton, for all that you have given us.

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

 

Something went bump in the night

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

No.3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

As your daughter approaches puberty, changes are bubbling and brewing under her skin, waiting for a chance to erupt: pimples and breasts. OMG!!! That would be a typical reaction on her part..."I can't go to school. Daddy, please write me a medical absence note."  Hopefully, she isn't the first child in her class to get either of them. You may want to start praying now that she is neither the first, nor the last of the girls in her class for either type of new growth.  At lease, let someone else's child go first, pleeeease. Today I'm talking less about pimples, than about how you, as a single Dad, can help your daughter cope with some of the less welcome aspects of growing up.

If there aren't any women or older sisters in your daughter's life and it's all down to you to help her through this coming-of-age trauma, G-d bless you. Think back to your own pre-teen time and try to remember how you felt when your very first, red, shiny and possibly painful pimple took up residence on your face. I think it's fair to say that most of us approached the mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust and then checked every 5 minutes to see if it had gone yet.

She may try to deal with it on her own first. You may find "pimple" in the history of her Google searches. She may be whispering into the phone a lot.  I advise you to pretend ignorance before she brings up the subject herself, no matter how glaring the mini-mountain.  If she pretends that the pimple isn't there, you would be best to ignore it too. The positive message you are giving her is that if she's not bothered, you're not bothered.

But, what do you do if your daughter reacts as if Mt Vesuvius is erupting on her nose? Panic. Evacuate. The sky is falling. The way that you respond is crucial to this second test (first was hygiene) of your new relationship. "What new relationship; nothing's changed" you might ask. It surely has. Before, you were the father who picked her up from a fall, kissed the bruise and put a Band-Aid on it, reassuring her that everything would be fine.  That will not placate her now. Instead, you must be careful:

• Don't use more negative or exaggerated words than the ones she uses;
• Don't react emotionally. Do not say "you're growing up. You're not my little girl anymore," because that will confirm her worst fears (that comes in my next post about breasts). She wants you to help, protect and support her; or
• Don't laugh, say she is over-reacting or call her silly. Her face has been smooth, soft and unadorned all of her short life thus far. Now she has a Christmas tree bauble on it.

Equip yourself with both emotional and practical tools for parenting in this area, traditionally the domain of mothers.

In your Single Father's Toolkit, make sure you have:

• familiarity with a good search engine,
• friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends,
• knowledge of which pharmacy and/or supermarket is open late,
• familiarity with trusted names in skincare,
• calm, patience and wisdom, confidence; and most of all
• time and attention to devote to your daughter. 

Back to that pimple now. If she is hysterical, or extremely low, comfort her. Look your daughter in the eyes and keep calm, speaking to her with a soothing voice. Be patient. Don't drop away. Eventually, she will calm down too. If she seems able to listen, tell her what causes a pimple. If you know what something is or how it works, explain. If you don't, it's not necessary to bluff. You will earn much more credibility by being honest, so look it up together, or ask if you can talk to her a little later.  Patiently, explain to her how to keep her face clean and not to scratch, pick or otherwise attack her pimple.

The most painful part of having pimples is the social aspect of it. She still has to go to school.  She will probably worry that she will be stared at, teased or called a name. Even if there's not a boy-crush to worry about, other kids can be insensitive or even cruel when they see a sign of vulnerability. It's not necessarily going to be bad, but you can't promise her that it won't happen. Remind her that she has friends there, who care about her feelings. Reassure her...if her classmates haven't had one yet, their time will come. She will have an opportunity to be kind toward them, adopting a stance of blemish-blindness; what you pretend you don't see becomes invisible.

Breasts, bras and boys - all to come for you and your preteen

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

No. 3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body

Way before breasts begin to appear, like little soft hills on the flat landscape of a girl's flat chest, she will have an awareness that she is different from her brothers and male classmates. It might seem that awareness has always been present, from when 3-year old girls dressed up as fairy princesses and 3-year old boys showed a preference for any game that made a lot of noise.  That's a completely different thing, due in part to the way they were treated by adults and gifted with dolls or trucks. Physical awareness of gender is inseparable from the child herself. Most girls and boys know innately who they are and identify strongly with members of their own sex, without knowing anything about breasts, vaginas or penises.

The self-consciousness that comes with a girlish growth spurt, dictates that you mustn't run around topless with your boy-friends on a hot day because someday there will be breasts on your torso and not on theirs. Probably at about six or seven, a girl no longer wants to take a bath with her brother unless he is still a baby, but she'll still fall about in a fit of giggles after streaking naked through the house with a hat on. By eight years old, she will close her bedroom door to get dressed and will hide if you open it.  At nine, she is likely to want to wear a pretty half-undershirt that resembles a bikini top, regardless of the fact that there is nothing there to cover. But, by ten, she wants it so that she has another layer between her body and the boys' glances. 

If you are raising your pre-teen daughter without a woman in the house, you are also likely to be buying her clothing.  If you haven't noticed a change in your daughter's figure, you probably think you are safe for a little while longer; before undershirts give way to bras and shoes get heels.  That's a mistake:  At about ten years old, (Year 5 in the UK, th grade in the US) your daughter is observing other girls for clues as to what is expected of her.  She is trying to figure out how she can be similarly equipped without having to ask you outright.

Wake up Dad! This is the most confusing time for a girl and even more confusing for both of you if her mother is absent. Puberty brings moodiness; emotional swings and round-abouts. Girls sneak peeks at each other at school or swim practice, curious to discover their level of physical maturity, their place in the social hierarchy and their style, including:

• whose first hint of breasts shows through her top;
• who turns away from the others to undress for PE;
• who wears an actual bra;
• whose bikini underwear has come from the teen department rather than the Disney store; and
• who is wearing a coveted label (Thank G-d for school uniforms).

If you're open-minded about what you will find for her, and sensitive, there's no reason not to take her shopping yourself, but if you feel out of your element, why don't you ask her to nominate someone else to help her.

Your daughter needs a confident guide for this particular journey. It's not as simple as just buying your daughter the first training bra you find. If you lack confidence in relating to your girl about her body and/or her clothing, find someone who has it to spare. This is where my Single Father's Toolkit comes in handy again. The second tool on the list is "friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends." Talk to the nicest Mom-friend you know and ask whether her daughter has brought up the subject, and what "grown-up" activities she is doing, i.e. shaving, wearing a bra, using deodorant, experiencing the odd pimple or getting greasy hair.  Ask her to keep you in the loop so that your daughter isn't left behind. She may not be the right person, though, to talk to your daughter or take her shopping.

Ask your daughter to which Mom it's easiest to talk, or whose style she admires. If you feel comfortable with her choice, ask her if she will take the girls shopping and help your daughter pick out what she needs or wants at the same time as her friend. There has to be a trust between them; that she will give it generous attention and help her find "the right things," right not necessarily having a literal definition.

This is still about breasts; visible and undeniable emblems of being female and of femininity. This can be very difficult for a father to accept. There is the sense, that she is yours to protect until you feel she is ready for a relationship with a young man. It's a shock to realize that her body will proceed with its development, with or without your approval. Likewise, you won't want her body to draw male attention, but it will. If you try to keep her in little girls' clothes or display any disapproval of her body, you are in danger of undermining her efforts to accept the changes she is experiencing. She needs to feel proud of herself, inside and out.

It's about acknowledging that she is growing up, while understanding that she will still act childish sometimes. It's about her feeling confident that she will always be loved no matter how she changes. It's about accepting why she has to have whatever the other girls have.  Peer pressure is a big influence to a young girl; she doesn't want to be the only girl with discernible breasts, but doesn't want to be the last girl to get them either. By all means, have those heart-to-hearts about anything she wants to discuss. Positively acknowledge the changes in the rest of her body: her face, waist, hips, legs, etc... so that she can see her breasts as part of the entire, nearly teenage package.  The goal is to help her stay positive, accepting, responsible and confident; actually that is your goal too. Tread carefully, and keep love in your voice.

Desperate Housewives

by Merry Armentrout

Fall is here (at least in New England).  The leaves are starting to change color, the air is getting crisp and my TiVo is ready to roll.  I have a handful of favorite shows, and last week was full of season premiers for the fall line-up.  Idon't consider myself a TV junkie, but do relish those few hours a week where I'm able to see what kind of trouble my favorite characters (fictional and real) get themselves into and out of.  

I wrote a blog on the TV show Glee last season.  I think the show is wonderful, but I'm actually more impressed with the subjects the show broaches- infertility, adoption, LGBT family building, to name a few.  These are the things The American Fertility Association supports, and the conversations we want to take place in the mainstream- such as a prime time TV show. 

You can also find these conversations on Wisteria Lane.  Desperate Housewives capped off season six with Gaby, played by Eva Longoria, offering to donate her eggs to a gay couple, but at the last minute changes her mind, causing the Lee and Bob to break-up.  Though this television show is fictional, the issues it raises are reality for many people.

The AFA is dedicated to educating and supporting all men and women concerned with family building - including hopeful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) parents. One way this is achieved is through third party reproduction.  There are many reproductive options for gay men and lesbian women, including a resource directory to find such services.

I have to admit, I'm a bit biased toward Desperate Housewives. Brenda Strong, the voice of Mary Alice Young on the show, is the national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association.  Strong struggled with infertility, and found yoga helped alleviate the stress brought on while undergoing fertility treatments. 

It might seem like a little thing, including infertility and family building in a TV show.  But it's the little things that become part of the bigger picture in today's reality for hopeful parents.

 

Ban on gay adoption overturned in Florida

 

by  Carolyn Berger, LCSW

On Wednesday I learned that Florida will stop enforcing its gay adoption ban, which has been in existence for 33 years.

 Until now, Florida was the only remaining state to ban adoption by gay men and women without exception.

 Honestly, I don’t know whether to celebrate or cry.  It’s undeniably a great step forward, but difficult to comprehend why Florida allowed gays and lesbians to become foster parents, but refused to allow them to adopt.

The story of Frank Martin Gil and his boys is at the heart of Wednesday’s decision.  When the two half- brothers came into his home as foster children, they were four years old and four months old. Their parents were crack-addicted, and like other kids removed from their home and placed in foster care, they were abused and neglected.  They both had ringworm. One of them had an untreated ear infection.  The four-year-old couldn’t speak, and he spent all of his time taking care of his baby brother.

In 2008 the ACLU represented Gil in his desire to adopt the boys, who were clearly thriving.  Adoption would give these children permanency, meaning that Gil would be their “forever” parent rather than their foster parent.  Judge Cindy Lederman wrote a decision stating it is clear that sexual orientation is not a predictor of a person’s ability to parent, and she ruled that Florida’s ban on gay adoption was unconstitutional. Gil was able to adopt his boys.

Later, the Florida Department of Children and Families challenged Judge Lederman’s decision, saying that the court had erred and the adoption was illegal.  On Wednesday Florida’s Third District Court of Appeals in Miami upheld the lower court’s 2008 ruling, and Gil’s adoption was deemed permanent.

Now it is said that The Florida Department of Children and Families is weighing whether to appeal at the Florida State Supreme Court.  Since Wednesday’s ruling applies to the Gil family only, a decision from the state’s highest court would provide a clear resolution in all jurisdictions.

We need a clear resolution—for gay rights and for children’s rights.  Both sides of the original 2008 case agreed that the boys were doing extremely well in their foster parent (and his male partner’s) home.  Both sides agreed that gays and heterosexuals make equally good parents. 

A final resolution of this matter would allow countless other gay foster parents in Florida to adopt kids and give them safe, secure homes, as well as the knowledge that their families couldn’t be taken apart by the State—unless, of course, there was evidence of abuse or neglect.

This is as it should be.  Right now there are 114, 550 U.S. children in foster care waiting to be adopted, according to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a leader in the nation’s efforts to find homes for these kids. 

So, when two children who have endured abuse and neglect from their biological parents and have found physical and emotional well-being with their new parent, don’t we want this to continue?  All too often, foster children are shifted from home to home, never knowing the kind of family life so many of us take for granted. 

 Would we really want to interfere with a family that is doing so well just because the Dad is gay?

 I don’t think so. But don’t take it from me-- ask the 114,500 children who are waiting for permanent homes.

 Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is a Founder, Board Member, and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council of The AFA. She has a private practice specializing in Fertility and Adoption in Larchmont and Manhattan.

 

 

 

 

 

Shaving, bleaching, waxing, threading...huh?

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

Second installment in Lisa's Single Dad series

Men, do you remember when you used to watch your father shave in the mirror every morning? It's entrancing; not least because hair on your smooth face was hard to contemplate. The concentration required meant he couldn't talk to you at the same time. Shaving made the bristly bits go smooth and he smelled nice afterwards.  You dreamed of the day when you could be a man and shave too.

Well, it's not exactly the same with girls and shaving. Most women shave in the shower, without an audience. It's hard to see what you are doing, but easier than contorting yourself like a Chinese acrobat to get one foot in the sink and keep the other firmly on the floor, while naked or in a nightie. If you don't have an older woman in the house, your daughter is going to need some help from you. Step up.

A lot of us women were raised with the message "no pain, no gain." In other words, you have to suffer to be beautiful. I suffered plenty; I used a disposable razor on my legs and invariably skinned my knee, shin or ankle every week.  Bloody disaster zone.  Of course, it's not universal that women must have shiny, hair-free legs, but in most Western countries you can take it for granted. However, you do not have to suffer too much for your beauty if you are smart about it.

One thing you have to keep in mind, (and this goes for hair, skin, teeth, breasts and fingernails) is that women, and even pre-teen, women-to-be, check each other out at every opportunity.  If a girl discovers that her classmate or camp bunkmate is shaving, she will want to do it too. The other motivating factor can be if she noticed that her legs or underarms have more hair than any other girl she knows. Take into account:

• her age;
• how noticeable her body hair is;
• her level of interest;
• peer pressure; and
• your ability to teach her what she needs to know.

When your daughter first mentions shaving her legs, mentally go through this list and casually ask her why it has come up. Obviously, a razor and shaving cream aren't cult items, but you may be surprised to find out that she knows a lot about them. Ads on TV and in girls' magazines make it sound very grown up and either exciting or terrifying. She doesn't need the razor.  What she really needs is a solution to a problem, as she sees it. That goes back to whether she is really hairy or whether she just wants to do what the other girls are doing.

Girls are coming to these milestones earlier these days. I think I started shaving my legs and underarms in 8th grade, age 12 or 13. It just seemed right at the time. My own child first asked me at age 9, which I thought way too young. She then wore knee socks with her school uniform, or trousers, until I gave in the following year. It intially bothered me, as a mother, that she was rushing into teen-hood when she wasn't even "double-digits" yet. However, if faced with an unhappy child, you have to ask yourself if the principle of a minimum age is a worthy one. I think not. The compromise could be that she doesn't shave, but can use a depilatory cream, such as Veet, that is spread on, left for 5 - 10 minutes and washes off in the shower. Very uncomplicated and blood-free, as it should be.

Moving on to other body hair: face, arms and tummy. I'm not talking about werewolf levels of hair. Your daughter may think she has a noticeably hairy upper lip, forearms or the vertical line from belly button to bikini line. If she is dark-haired, she may be right. If she never noticed before, but suddenly it bothers her, it is probably because aother child pointed it out to her. Do not let her shave these areas, or when it grows back it will be blunt-edged and bristly.

There are choices here; home-bleaching kits like Jolene Creme Bleach (a.k.a. Jolen) and Boots Expert Hair Lightener. Take it from someone who has had more than a few home-grooming disasters;

1. Do not let your 11-year old, or even 13 yearold do this for the first time by herself. That's why you are there;
2. Follow the directions, do the patch test it recommends and don't leave it on longer than you are meant to;
3. Beware: some people can have an allergic reaction to the ingredients, so do the suggested test patch first. Also, her hair may go blond, but it could also go strawberry blond, which is reddish.  Again, do the patch test first. 
4. Don't let her brothers, if there are any, see your daughter with bleach on her  upper lip. It leaves the door open for much teasing, and tears.

This is a very viable option and usually does the trick, however, if it doesn't work for her (too much hair, reddish hair, etc...), the alternative is waxing.

Waxing body hair has its pros and cons. The pros are that it leaves your skin smooth and hair-free, with no blunt edge as it grows back over the next month or so. You can wax pretty much anywhere (pro), as long as you she can stand the pain (con). If you are there, she will scream and cry louder (con) and you will wince with each strip of wax (con). I would always recommend you take her to a professional who is experienced in waxing, because they do it very quickly. Yes, it hurts, but it works (Big Pro). 

Threading is the new tweezing, though it isn't new at all. Eyebrows are funny things; on a young girl's face they are often quite thick and feathery,which looks fine with her soft features. However, women, who want to look more sophisticated, prefer a sharper line to their brow. Over the past 10 years or so, brows have been promoted by beauty therapists as the "frame" for our eyes, evidenced by the creation of "brow bars," where you can go for 1 or many methods of hair removal.

If a girl has heavy eyebrows, she will eventually want to shape them. In Western countries, this was traditionally done by plucking hairs out with tweezers.  A whole company, Tweezerman, was created to sell trendy, but excellent, tweezers. The concept includes limited edition colours and patterns decorating the arms of the tweezer; such as pink for a breast cancer campaign. While tweezing and waxing obviously work, threading has been taking the beauty world by storm. It comes from Asian and Arabic cultures like Iran. Practitioners use a pure, thin, twisted thread which is rolled over untidy hair on the face, plucking it at the follicle level. Threading can remove an entire row of hair, resulting in a straighter line. It's not for the squeamish, as many practitioners anchor the cotton thread between their teeth,which can be very off-putting.

Whatever the situation with your daughter, take it slowly. Either you will have to be observant, so as to notice that she needs some help,or you will have to be there to comfort her when she decides that it bothers her enough to do something about it.

• Ask her if a friend is already shaving, waxing, bleaching, tweezing or threading. Ask her if she minds you calling that friend's mother for a consultation.
• Ask her aunt, cousin or older friend to take her to the store to buy whatever she wants to try.
• Ask if she needs help, and even if she says no, stay outside the bathroom door in case of a crisis. 
• Keep it in perspective; it's just hair, not health, but if it matters to your daughter, it has to matter to you too.

One final warning: do not try to do it all at once. One small area from start to finish, at first; see how it goes, then take a successful remedy further. I wish you good luck on these bumps in the road.

No. 4 in a series for single fathers, raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body.