The AFA Blog

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

Introducing Mombian

by Dana Rudolph

I'm very pleased to be joining the many voices here on the AFA Blog. I've been a parent for nearly eight years now, and have been writing about being a lesbian mom for almost six of those, ever since I launched my blog, Mombian, in 2005. My Mombian newspaper column followed in 2007.

 My writing is motivated by my own experience, but tends not to be a diary-type chronicle of my rather boring home life--no one really wants to hear how I do my laundry or play Wii with my son. Instead, my writing covers a blend of parenting, politics, and diversions for LGBT families and those hoping to start one. I offer parenting tips, book reviews, suggested family activities, and political commentary, all viewed through the lens of an LGBT parent.

 Since this is my first post here, however, I'm going to break with routine in order to share a little of my background as a parent, and explain why I have a soft spot for organizations such as the AFA.

 My spouse Helen and I had our child through in vitro fertilization by using my egg, her uterus, and anonymous donor sperm. Although most lesbian couples don't do the egg donation from one partner to another, it felt like the right way for us. Since I was a few years younger, and Helen was willing to carry, we used my eggs.

 We went to a fertility clinic in New Jersey, where we lived then, and which assured us they had worked with same-sex couples before. In fact, they coincidentally started a support group for lesbian couples shortly after we began our treatments. It took us two cycles, two grocery bags' worth of fertility drugs, and several months of injections for each of us. Definitely one of those relationship-building experiences. (Double the hormones, double the fun!)

 At the time, however, based on New Jersey law, I would have had no parental rights when the child was born—except that we successfully petitioned the state to grant them to me through a pre-birth order of parentage. I was thus a legal parent from the moment of our son’s birth. This had a practical side—there was no lag time between birth and adoption, so if I was hit by a truck, he was guaranteed my Social Security benefits. It also had an emotional one—I would have been surly about needing to go through the process of home studies and such in order to adopt my own genetic son.

 Some states, particularly those that now recognize marriages, civil unions, or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples, will also now put both partners’ names on a birth certificate from the start, without needing an adoption or court order—but most LGBT legal organizations suggest getting one of them anyway, for better federal protection and when traveling outside those states. Each state is different, though, and laws can change, so always check with an attorney if you're a same-sex couple planning to have a child. (Note also that some employers will cover adoption expenses, but not expenses for parentage orders.)

 In the end, however, how we had our child was less important than how we're raising him. So far, so good, as far as I can tell--although we have yet to hit the teen years. He's now in second grade, loves Legos and Star Wars, and is the joy of our lives.

 Our everyday life is just that--everyday and not so different from that of our neighbors here outside of Boston where we now live. At the same time, we struggle to find representations of same-sex headed families in the media, face a number of financial inequities because our relationship is not recognized in many places, and never travel out of state without copies of our son's birth certificate and parentage order, lest anyone question we're both his parents.

 In my biweekly posts here, as in my daily ones at Mombian, I'll be sharing resources and tips for LGBT families, along with commentary on politics and media as they affect our lives. I hope some of you, LGBT and not, will share your own thoughts in the comments. All of us on this journey to and through parenthood are more alike than not--but by reflecting on both our similarities and differences, we come to better understand each other and ourselves. In the end, it is our children who benefit.

The right to say goodbye. A legislative update.

  
 
by Corey Whelan

One of the most well read and vastly circulated blogs that The AFA has ever published appeared on this page last April, entitled "Old Gay Bones".  This piece relayed a tragic situation experienced by all too many LGBT families, that of not being allowed to visit, or comfort, a relative in a hospital.  No matter if that relative is a mom or a dad, or a grand dad, or a loving partner.  No matter if that relative is merely sick or silently dying, the spouses, children, loved ones of these individuals were often kept away from the bedsides of those who needed them most.  Who sometimes, needed them for the very last time.  

I must say, kudos to President Obama for being able to push this one through.  As of this week, patients at hospitals nationwide will now be allowed to decide who can visit them, and who is authorized to make decisions on their behalf.  New federal regulations that were put into effect this past Tuesday have made sexual orientation, gender identity or family makeup superfluous to the more significant issues at hand in these situations - those most human of issues.  Who do we need?  Who do we love? Who do we want to be with us, when we die?

Hospitals must now inform patients and their attending friends and families of their rights to visitors of their choosing.

For more on this story, click here.

 

 

The Amazing Story of the Birth of the “Twiblings”

by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           For those of you who haven’t read it I strongly encourage you to read Melanie Thernstrom’s New York Times Magazine article called “Meet the Twiblings” at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html.

Ms. Therstrom and her husband use an egg donor and 2 different gestational carriers that end up giving birth to twins that are born 5 days apart. I loved this article for many reasons.  She candidly discusses a multitude of issues that will be familiar to many who experience infertility.  Examples include:

1.      Beginning infertility treatment later in life.

2.      Finding a doctor that will show empathy but be honest about your best chance for success in having a healthy baby.

3.      Unscrupulous surrogacy and egg donation agencies.

4.      Legal challenges of surrogacy.

5.      Societal judgements about infertility treatment, surrogacy, and egg donation.

6.      What role do you want your egg donor and surrogate to play in your new family’s life?

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom starting out at age 41 meeting her eventual husband.  She undergoes 6 treatment failures in her attempt to have a baby. Her doctor poses a critical question that changed her life.  He asked “Is your goal to have the experience of being pregnant or is your goal to have the best chance of having a healthy baby?”  I believe that question is not asked often enough by physicians.  It is the primary question those who have had repeated fertility treatment failures need to ask themselves.

This article is filled with valuable information those in the midst of infertility treatment can apply. There is a wonderful description of meeting the 2 women who eventually become her surrogates. Fie, one of the surrogates, goes over the surrogacy agreement line by line and she and Ms. Thernstrom carefully discuss scenarios so they have a clear agreement about how to proceed. They talk about whether the surrogates will provide breast milk after the baby is born? Consider questions you must ask like who pays living costs if your surrogate is unable to work due to the pregnancy?

The surrogate’s husbands were involved and met with the Thernstroms. The role of the surrogate husband is important and is rarely considered.  Their support is invaluable during their wives pregnancy.  Ms. Thernstrom observed her surrogates in their roles as parents and that was a major consideration for her in choosing them.

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom meeting her egg donor.  It was important for her to meet the donor.  Some choose to use an anonymous donor.  She describes looking at the woman who became her egg donor and thinking “When she flashed a smile, I wondered if I had caught my first hint of my child’s grin.”  There is that natural inclination for the perspective mother to make comparisons between herself and her egg donor.  Consider your feelings about that and what role if any you want your egg donor to play in your future child’s life.

The Thernstrom’s speak with the director of their egg donor agency about disclosure. She recommends “tell everyone or tell no one.”  Disclosure is one of the more challenging aspects of infertility.  You need to decide if you want your child to hear directly from you in your own words about their birth.  You may risk your child possibly learning from someone else. How  will that impact your child and your relationship with him/her?

Using a surrogate or an egg donor requires a huge leap of faith. You have to trust that the donor is honest about their medical history.  You want to believe your surrogate will take all the necessary steps you would to be as healthy as possible during the pregnancy.

Ms. Thernstrom coins the phrase “twiblings” to describe her children.  The same egg donor was used and the embryos were transferred the same day. The kids were born 5 days apart from two different gestational carriers. She also uses the word “Fairy Goddonor” to describe her egg donor.  Much like Sarah Palin’s word “refudiate” I hope these words should become an accepted part of English language.

            I thought a lot about this remarkable story. This particular case involved a small “village” of people united together to create a family. I applaud the courage of Ms. Thernstrom for telling her story in such a public forum.  She has gotten both praise and unwelcome comments from friends, professionals and strangers.  I realized that all of us have a unique story to tell about how we become a family. It is our choice how and whether to tell it or not

Nurturing the Nature of My Child

 

by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           Many of us have been exposed to the argument about what shapes the personality of children, nature or nurture. Nature represents heredity and nurture equals environment in this equation.  It is an especially compelling question for those of us who have a child through adoption or through the generosity of a donor.  What impact does genetics have?  How effective can I be as a non-biological parent?  These were thoughts that I had after the birth of my egg donor daughter. 

            We chose a donor that had my physical characteristics.  Grace was born with dark brown hair like mine.  She had dark hazel eyes with wisps of brown. My eyes are brown.  Over the 10 years since she was born there have been several comments about how much we look alike.  As far as I know she does not have the “cancer gene” that my family members carry.  I have followed the lessons learned from the genome research examining our DNA and genetic heritage with great interest.

My 35 years as a social worker have led me to lean on the side of nurture. It feels safer, more familiar, and something I sometimes fool myself into thinking I have some control over.  I have heard those stories about identical twins raised apart that do end up differing in behaviors and other ways. I am perhaps naively optimistic that my behavior, parenting effectiveness, and the home/life environment we have created can help her grow into a healthy, intelligent, happy adult. I have reluctantly let go of my desire to see her become a softball all star. She shows no interest in sports of any kind.

Shortly after Grace was born I went to a lecture about raising an only child. The psychologist speaking told us that genetics does play a part in creating ability and some traits (aside from physical) are influenced by the child’s environment.  I do know Grace and I share the same sense of humor, a discipline about completing our work, and the joy of spending time with good friends and family.  Our values are similar as is our love of pop culture.

The conclusion I have drawn from all of this is rather than nature vs. nurture it is really a combination of nature in conjunction with nurture.   I remember that psychologist I heard use the words “cause and effect.”  I think now after a mere 10 years of parenting under my belt I have a better understanding of what she meant.  Even if we are born with a genetic disposition, there is not a 100% guarantee that something will occur in this predetermined way.   Medical interventions are available.  Lifestyle changes have a big impact.  Behaviors can be shaped and nurtured.  I choose to believe anything is possible.

Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, has a Master’s Degree in Social Work and has been a licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years.  She has done workshops, individual, and group counseling with people experiencing infertility.  Ms. Waichler is the author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire. She currently writes freelance infertility and health related articles.

Source:

http://www.theafa.orgplay/library/article/what_to_expect_when_expectinga_donor_child/

 http://www.ivf.net/ivf/behaviour-nurture-not-nature-says-ivf-children-study-o5597.html