Nobody
sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and
to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time. By
Georgia O’Keeffe
Why am I quoting Georgia O’Keeffe at the
beginning of my blog? Well for one thing when writing about friendship,
such a complicated and colorful subject, it seems poetic to begin with famous
words from a prolific artist. And secondly, I am quoting her because she so
eloquently sums up what my mother has been telling me my whole life about
friends and relationships. My mom says, “You only get to know people over
time.”
There is nothing like experiencing
infertility to test the bonds of friendship between girlfriends of childbearing
age, especially if you have only known that person for a few years. Two
months into my fertility treatments, I confided in a good friend about my
fertility plight. We had only known each other for a little under two
years but I liked her and we had always related well to each other’s
sensibilities, humor and values. I can still remember the day clearly. We
were out to brunch with our husbands and she asked me how I was doing.
Instead of giving the standard answer of “I am good.” I decided to tell
her the truth. I said, “I am going through fertility treatments and it is
really stressful and a lot to process.”
Well the floodgates opened. She and
her husband revealed that they, too, were having a hard time trying to get
pregnant. Six or seven months ago, she had a miscarriage and had not been
able to get pregnant since. They were incredibly frustrated and scared.
We also confided in one another how difficult it was to be around friends who
were getting pregnant while we were struggling.
Over that brunch, the four of us bonded
in our failed attempts to start families. Our candidness brought us
closer and we were able to relate more intimately with one another now that we
were going through similar experiences. During the next couple of months,
my friend and I regularly emailed each other to check in and share stories
about our own fertility trials and tribulations. We became a mutual source of
comfort and support.
There were definitely things that I
wasn’t sharing with her or for that matter anyone. There would be days
when I doubted that could get pregnant. I would get depressed, sad and
anxious. There would be days when I would be at the hair salon and the
woman next to me would be telling her stylist that she was pregnant and I would
want to die because I felt like everyone else around me was getting pregnant.
This scenario happened all the time…at the grocery store, at the movie theater,
at the dry cleaner. Wherever I went during the darkest hours of my
fertility treatments, I would run into pregnant women or women who just found
out that they were pregnant.
After months of this downward spiral, I
eventually found balance and hope in my life through therapy, meditation, yoga
and a lot of talking to myself to refocus my thoughts away from the negative.
I no longer felt sad when I heard about other people getting
pregnant. I was able to feel joy and
hopefulness for myself. I had turned my
emotions around and it felt empowering.
In the meantime, my friend underwent
somewhat of a radio silence. I wasn’t sure why, but then on July 2 at
“Everything's
good here. So you may have guessed from my recent silence on the whole baby
making issue and my not drinking when you guys came over to our house that I'm
pregnant. I just wanted you to know.”
She went on to
write that she was sorry if this was hard news for me but that she totally
understood if it was because she had been there herself months before with
other friends. She was hopeful and praying for us that it would happen
soon. She sent her love.
I started
shaking. Not because she was pregnant, but because of the way she delivered the
message. Everything about it disturbed my equilibrium. First of
all, who wants to read about this in an email from a good friend? Second
of all, I felt like she was projecting her feelings about how she would feel in
this situation on me. Her words and tone
assumed a fragility that I wasn’t experiencing anymore. I had worked so hard to
feel good and not resentful about anyone else’s ability to get pregnant that I
didn’t want to get sucked back into the black hole of fear, sadness and
panic.
I called her
right away to congratulate her and discuss her email. She listened and
tried to explain her motivation, but we clearly did not understand each
other. There wasn’t too much left to
say. We periodically emailed each other,
but our friendship was strained.
Three months
went by before we saw each other again.
We went out to dinner with our husbands.
My husband and I announced that we were pregnant with twins right before
the appetizers were served. Our friends
were excited for us, but there was awkwardness to our interaction. Our
friendship had clearly not recovered.
I knew that I
wanted to talk with her about what happened, but it would be months before we
saw each other again at a mutual friend’s holiday party. She was two weeks away from giving
birth. As we started talking it was so
clear that we both had the best intentions, but the intensity of each of our
circumstances made it difficult to see what each other needed. Thankfully we were both able to put more
value in our friendship than in our feelings, which allowed us to work it out
and put the incident behind us.
My friend just had her second baby and I couldn’t
wait to go over to her house to meet him.
It is hard to imagine the friends we were two years ago when this
incident happened compared to where we are today, but we are closer and better
friends because of it. Georgia O’Keeffe and my mom are right…you only get to
know people over time.
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