Come join me this Wednesday, 12/8, when Kim Hahn interviews me on “Conceive On-Air.” We will be talking about how one decides which type of child they wish to adopt. Simply go to www.voiceamerica.com at 2pm Eastern Time or 11 am Pacific Time. (The show will last an hour.) And, if you can’t make it, you can listen to a re-run by checking in at the same website.
One of the first things I ask couples and individuals who have decided to adopt is to imagine the child they will bring home. While we can’t stack the cards in favor of a child with a sweet disposition or a baby who is colic-free, we can ask ourselves about the age and race the child will be, along with other characteristics.
Some prospective parents who have already raised an infant may find an older child appealing. Usually, an older child will come through international adoption or foster care, where there are many “waiting children.” One of the advantages of adopting an older child is that you can already determine whether there are developmental delays or other health problems and asked yourselves if you are prepared to deal with them. A disadvantage is that some of the parent-infant bonding that occurs in the early months of life has already happened (or not). People wishing to adopt older children tend to take these issues in stride.
If your heart tells you that you want to adopt a newborn so that you can cherish the early months of a child’s life, you will need to look into domestic adoption (either independent or through an agency). You will have less of an opportunity to get a heads-up on whether your child may have any developmental delays, but you will have the opportunity to be the baby’s first caregiver whom the child will attach to first.
Envisioning the child you hope to adopt can force you to look deeply into your values, beliefs, and preferences. In no case is this more important than when looking into transracial adoption. Adopting transracially can be challenging—you will become a transracial family— but it can also be deeply satisfying.
I hope you’ll join Kim Hahn and me this Wednesday so we can continue this conversation!
Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board. She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.
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