The AFA Blog

Getting Ready to Adopt? The First Step Is to Envision the Child You Hope to Bring Home.

by Caroline Berger, LCSW

Come join me this Wednesday, 12/8, when Kim Hahn interviews me on “Conceive On-Air.”  We will be talking about how one decides which type of child they wish to adopt.  Simply go to www.voiceamerica.com at 2pm Eastern Time or 11 am Pacific Time.  (The show will last an hour.)  And, if you can’t make it, you can listen to a re-run by checking in at the same website.

 One of the first things I ask couples and individuals who have decided to adopt is to imagine the child they will bring home.  While we can’t stack the cards in favor of a child with a sweet disposition or a baby who is colic-free, we can ask ourselves about the age and race the child will be, along with other characteristics.

 Some prospective parents who have already raised an infant may find an older child appealing.  Usually, an older child will come through international adoption or foster care, where there are many “waiting children.”  One of the advantages of adopting an older child is that you can already determine whether there are developmental delays or other health problems and asked yourselves if you are prepared to deal with them.  A disadvantage is that some of the parent-infant bonding that occurs in the early months of life has already happened (or not).  People wishing to adopt older children tend to take these issues in stride.

 If your heart tells you that you want to adopt a newborn so that you can cherish the early months of a child’s life, you will need to look into domestic adoption (either independent or through an agency).  You will have less of an opportunity to get a heads-up on whether your child may have any developmental delays, but you will have the opportunity to be the baby’s first caregiver whom the child will attach to first.

 Envisioning the child you hope to adopt can force you to look deeply into your values, beliefs, and preferences.  In no case is this more important than when looking into transracial adoption.  Adopting transracially can be challenging—you will become a transracial family— but it can also be deeply satisfying.

 I hope you’ll join Kim Hahn and me this Wednesday so we can continue this conversation!

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

Betty Jean Lifton Dies

 

By Carolyn Berger, LCSW

Betty Jean Lifton, who was an early proponent of open adoption, died at the age of 84 in Cambridge, Massachusetts on November 19^th.

It’s impossible to talk about the internal world of an adoptee without bringing up Lifton.  She was an adoptee herself and a therapist who worked with all members of the adoption triad—the adoptee, birthparents, and adoptive parents.  She wrote a number of books and is best known for “Twice Born:  Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter,” “ Lost and Found:  The Adoption Experience,” and “Journey of the Adopted Self:  A Quest for Wholeness.”

None of these books is for the faint of heart, but they are undeniably compelling.  Lifton tells us things we might have known about adoption if we were to speak honestly with adoptees from early childhood on.  She tells us about the self of an adoptee who did not know who his parents were or where they came from—the self that sought a kind of wholeness it had been denied-- and the journey this self took toward healing. 

The world of adoption would be very different today if Lifton hadn’t encouraged open adoption and the transparency to which it aspires.  Bringing birthparents and adoptive parents together for the sake of a child is rarely easy, but it allows the child an authentic sense of self which is simply unavailable through closed adoption. 

While Lifton’s books aren’t always easy to read—it can be hard to see the struggles of the adopted self laid bare-- they are immeasurably valuable to us all.

Thank you, Betty Jean Lifton, for all that you have given us.

Carolyn Berger, LCSW is Chair of The AFA Adoption Advisory Board.  She has a private practice in Manhattan and Westchester which is devoted to Fertility, All Forms of Family Building and Adoption.

 

 

Scooter pie for breakfast or, stories from Illuminations NYC

by Corey Whelan

New York is my city.  It's easier for me to strut than to walk down the streets of Manhattan, it's impossible not to feel beautiful, looking at the lights of the Empire State, feeling the air, people watching, I just love it and nothing compares.  Nothing.  And last night The AFA owned NYC.  Justin Timberlake may be bringing sexy back but last night The AFA team brought Illuminations back to this city.  And it glittered.  

What a night.  What amazing fun to be surrounded by so many people who believe in our work and in our shared vision of family.  To say that the guest list was an NYC Who's Who is an understatement.  Melinda and I were thrilled to greet Ron Delgaudio and Russell Gellis at the door.  I was so glad to give my old friend Helena Chicketano a big hug and to catch up with the kids (to me everyone under 40 is a kid) from Cornell.   I was honored to reconnect with Owen Davis, Michael Drews, Marc Goldstein, Linda Applegarth, Michael Zinger, Lisa Maleska, Terry Fortino and his beautiful wife, Santiago Munne, Julie Tavoso, Barbara Sirios who I absolutely adore, Larry Walsh, Joel and Teresa, Cristina Matera, of course my secret crush Alan Penzias, gal pal Dana Kelly, and so many others.  How cool to drink champage with Justin, Rich, Brian, Allison, all our BFF's from EMD.  To welcome Doug Weiss to our house.  To finally meet Mark Fuerst (yes Mark, you are really more handsome in person than on your facebook profile page).  

Of course the music was fabulous, Brenda looked gorgeous and the food was amazing, but the high points for me?  Of course, it was all about the kids, the next generation that we so strive for.  Connecting with Gaelin Rosenwaks, Zev's beautiful daughter, was a moment I will always remember.  Seeing Carolyn Berger's son, Ethan, all grown up!  When did that happen Carolyn?  And Patricia Mendell's sons, young men, I can't begin to tell you what it meant to me, to see these struggled for babies re-entering our fold now as young adults.  What a future they are all positioned to create. 

But it was the babies, of course, that stole the show.  Gary and Tony's little boy, and Ricky and Anthony's little girl, gurgling and cooing during Ken's opening remarks, sorry Ken but they scooped your thunder right out from under you!  The poignancy was lost on no one. 

And the high point for my kids?  The left over scooter pies from the dessert buffet that Connor and Caitlin of course, had to have for breakfast this morning.

Wow.  I am so proud of this team.  The AFA staff, our board, our sponsors and our friends.  Our collective commitment to integrity, honesty, best practices for non profits, and of course our mission of helping people to build family.  In case you don't know it yet, let me say that this, folks, is the team to be on.

New York is my city.  I was proud and honored last night to share it with the most amazing people I know.  

Glitter on.   

 

 

The Infertility Family Research Register (IFRR)

by Bill Petok

Ever wonder how kids conceived from assisted reproductive technologies (ARTs) fare as they grow and mature? Ever wonder how they feel about their origins, the people who contributed to their creation, both via gamete donation or the laboratory technologists that combined the genetic material to give them life? Researchers have struggled with how to answer these and many more questions related to ART. One of the biggest stumbling blocks is having a group of individuals willing to participate in the studies as well as those who are willing to serve as comparison subjects or study controls.

 The Infertility Family Research Registry is a huge step in this direction . To quote the home page  “The Infertility Family Research Registry (IFRR) is a growing pool of volunteers interested in helping to improve understanding of the health of people and families that have faced a diagnosis of infertility or dealt with infertility treatments. The registry provides a bridge between these individuals and experienced researchers.”

 The IFRR is funded by a grant from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institutes of Child Health and Human Development. The Investigators responsible for developing the project are from Dartmouth College Medical School and Baylor College of Medicine, institutions respected for their research histories and expertise in infertility. I’m proud to participate in the Advisory Board of the IFRR and encourage you to visit the website and register as a participant. You could make a difference in our understanding of some of the complex issues involved in family building.

 In addition to his work on the advisory board of the IFRR, William D. Petok, Ph.D. is a a licensed psychotherapist based in Maryland and a member of The AFA’s board of directors

Something went bump in the night

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

No.3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

As your daughter approaches puberty, changes are bubbling and brewing under her skin, waiting for a chance to erupt: pimples and breasts. OMG!!! That would be a typical reaction on her part..."I can't go to school. Daddy, please write me a medical absence note."  Hopefully, she isn't the first child in her class to get either of them. You may want to start praying now that she is neither the first, nor the last of the girls in her class for either type of new growth.  At lease, let someone else's child go first, pleeeease. Today I'm talking less about pimples, than about how you, as a single Dad, can help your daughter cope with some of the less welcome aspects of growing up.

If there aren't any women or older sisters in your daughter's life and it's all down to you to help her through this coming-of-age trauma, G-d bless you. Think back to your own pre-teen time and try to remember how you felt when your very first, red, shiny and possibly painful pimple took up residence on your face. I think it's fair to say that most of us approached the mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust and then checked every 5 minutes to see if it had gone yet.

She may try to deal with it on her own first. You may find "pimple" in the history of her Google searches. She may be whispering into the phone a lot.  I advise you to pretend ignorance before she brings up the subject herself, no matter how glaring the mini-mountain.  If she pretends that the pimple isn't there, you would be best to ignore it too. The positive message you are giving her is that if she's not bothered, you're not bothered.

But, what do you do if your daughter reacts as if Mt Vesuvius is erupting on her nose? Panic. Evacuate. The sky is falling. The way that you respond is crucial to this second test (first was hygiene) of your new relationship. "What new relationship; nothing's changed" you might ask. It surely has. Before, you were the father who picked her up from a fall, kissed the bruise and put a Band-Aid on it, reassuring her that everything would be fine.  That will not placate her now. Instead, you must be careful:

• Don't use more negative or exaggerated words than the ones she uses;
• Don't react emotionally. Do not say "you're growing up. You're not my little girl anymore," because that will confirm her worst fears (that comes in my next post about breasts). She wants you to help, protect and support her; or
• Don't laugh, say she is over-reacting or call her silly. Her face has been smooth, soft and unadorned all of her short life thus far. Now she has a Christmas tree bauble on it.

Equip yourself with both emotional and practical tools for parenting in this area, traditionally the domain of mothers.

In your Single Father's Toolkit, make sure you have:

• familiarity with a good search engine,
• friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends,
• knowledge of which pharmacy and/or supermarket is open late,
• familiarity with trusted names in skincare,
• calm, patience and wisdom, confidence; and most of all
• time and attention to devote to your daughter. 

Back to that pimple now. If she is hysterical, or extremely low, comfort her. Look your daughter in the eyes and keep calm, speaking to her with a soothing voice. Be patient. Don't drop away. Eventually, she will calm down too. If she seems able to listen, tell her what causes a pimple. If you know what something is or how it works, explain. If you don't, it's not necessary to bluff. You will earn much more credibility by being honest, so look it up together, or ask if you can talk to her a little later.  Patiently, explain to her how to keep her face clean and not to scratch, pick or otherwise attack her pimple.

The most painful part of having pimples is the social aspect of it. She still has to go to school.  She will probably worry that she will be stared at, teased or called a name. Even if there's not a boy-crush to worry about, other kids can be insensitive or even cruel when they see a sign of vulnerability. It's not necessarily going to be bad, but you can't promise her that it won't happen. Remind her that she has friends there, who care about her feelings. Reassure her...if her classmates haven't had one yet, their time will come. She will have an opportunity to be kind toward them, adopting a stance of blemish-blindness; what you pretend you don't see becomes invisible.

Serving those who hate.

by Corey Whelan

On Facebook, twitter, linked in, all of it, we tend to create networks of people who rubber stamp our ideas.  We get thumbed up a hell of a lot more than we get thumbed down, have you ever noticed that?  It's a funny thing to me, really, because my organization, my beloved organization, The American Fertility Association, is unique.  We aren't looking for a rubber stamp.  We are about family building and we are all inclusive.  We wrap our arms around the world and we do it with gratitude.  We welcome everyone, not just the population of people who sometimes call themselves "infertiles".  I hate that term, by the way, but that's not what this blog is about.

We serve everyone who needs us.  We welcome, encourage, support and educate anyone within our global family who is striving to create and raise their own, smaller, part of that family. 

Obviously and of course that includes LGBTQ individuals.  Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning people.  Of course.  Because people are people and families are families.  I say this with honor, consciousness and pride.  An overused word but I mean it from my heart, especially today.

Ok.  The AFA does not segregate our mission or our lists.  We put important family buildling information out there for everyone to access and to learn from.  Why am I talking about this now?  Because The AFA's posts about Spirit Day, an international initiative spearheaded because of the tragic, senseless suicides of six young kids who were bullied and pushed because they were gay, was greeted with a number of jeers and hate filled responses by women who are currently trying to conceive, on various pages online.

I read thoughtful posts as eloquent as "ugh".  I read posts that said "No one should be gay it's disgusting".  I read and deleted other posts I won't acknowledge here.  I got angry and I got sad and then I got angry again. 

So this is the piece for me, as a mom, that rises above all else.  I want to say to these women (at least on the various pages I read it has not been men) I want to say, what if the baby you are praying for, struggling for, dying for, is conceived by you and turns out to be gay?

What then?  My daughter was watching a TV news report yesterday about a young boy, obviously to her at least gay, whose family had an exorcism performed on him.  So is that your plan?  What's your plan?  What's your heart?  Tell me.  Tell yourself. 

The AFA is an open arms organization.  We want you to get the best, the most up to date, the most honest information that you can when you are building your family. We don't ask your sexual or political orientation.  We don't care about it, it doesn't affect our mission of serving you.    

I personally however have a request of you. I have something to ask, of all of the hate filled women who attempted to stamp that hate on a day about love, on a day about saving children's lives.  I ask that you re-think your entrenched, taken for granted views.  Yes, that's what they are. I ask that you think about the children.  The children here now, the children you hope to have some day.  Your chidren.   The perfect children you dream about when you think about getting pregnant.  Think about them. 

Look, I know I won't change any minds or hearts on this page today.  The collision of populations that we, our organization, serves, has served up something else for me, for us today, and I needed to give voice to that.  However, my request to you, stands.

Spirit Day

"There's so much more to me than who I choose to sleep with" - Adam Lambert

_____________________

"Within the last few weeks six young men that we know of, and quite possibly many other lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth, took, or tried to take their lives, because of homophobic abuse in their home and schools. Suicide among gay youth is three times that of their straight counterparts. The AFA is a family building organization, and we stand for family in all of its diverse forms. Children, whatever their sexual orientation, deserve to grow up free from bullying and hate." - Ken Mosesian

____________________

48,380 Attending.

12,656 Maybe Attending.

147,440 Awaiting Reply.

36,717 Not Attending.

October 20th, 2010 is Spirit Day.  On this day, many people worldwide will come together and wear purple in honor of the LGBT youth who have committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and schools.

PURPLE represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality.

We want to thank Brittany McMillan for creating this event!
http://www.easternecho.com/index.php/m/article/2010/10/spirit_day_to_honor_recent_homosexual_suicide_victims

Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP
Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Asher Brown, Cody J. Barker, Harrison Chase Brown, Caleb Nolt, Billy Lucas, Jeanine Blanchette, and Chantal Dube.

Spread The Message. It is important that all this hate be stopped.  For more information or to get support contact the Trevor Project.

 

Breasts, bras and boys - all to come for you and your preteen

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

No. 3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body

Way before breasts begin to appear, like little soft hills on the flat landscape of a girl's flat chest, she will have an awareness that she is different from her brothers and male classmates. It might seem that awareness has always been present, from when 3-year old girls dressed up as fairy princesses and 3-year old boys showed a preference for any game that made a lot of noise.  That's a completely different thing, due in part to the way they were treated by adults and gifted with dolls or trucks. Physical awareness of gender is inseparable from the child herself. Most girls and boys know innately who they are and identify strongly with members of their own sex, without knowing anything about breasts, vaginas or penises.

The self-consciousness that comes with a girlish growth spurt, dictates that you mustn't run around topless with your boy-friends on a hot day because someday there will be breasts on your torso and not on theirs. Probably at about six or seven, a girl no longer wants to take a bath with her brother unless he is still a baby, but she'll still fall about in a fit of giggles after streaking naked through the house with a hat on. By eight years old, she will close her bedroom door to get dressed and will hide if you open it.  At nine, she is likely to want to wear a pretty half-undershirt that resembles a bikini top, regardless of the fact that there is nothing there to cover. But, by ten, she wants it so that she has another layer between her body and the boys' glances. 

If you are raising your pre-teen daughter without a woman in the house, you are also likely to be buying her clothing.  If you haven't noticed a change in your daughter's figure, you probably think you are safe for a little while longer; before undershirts give way to bras and shoes get heels.  That's a mistake:  At about ten years old, (Year 5 in the UK, th grade in the US) your daughter is observing other girls for clues as to what is expected of her.  She is trying to figure out how she can be similarly equipped without having to ask you outright.

Wake up Dad! This is the most confusing time for a girl and even more confusing for both of you if her mother is absent. Puberty brings moodiness; emotional swings and round-abouts. Girls sneak peeks at each other at school or swim practice, curious to discover their level of physical maturity, their place in the social hierarchy and their style, including:

• whose first hint of breasts shows through her top;
• who turns away from the others to undress for PE;
• who wears an actual bra;
• whose bikini underwear has come from the teen department rather than the Disney store; and
• who is wearing a coveted label (Thank G-d for school uniforms).

If you're open-minded about what you will find for her, and sensitive, there's no reason not to take her shopping yourself, but if you feel out of your element, why don't you ask her to nominate someone else to help her.

Your daughter needs a confident guide for this particular journey. It's not as simple as just buying your daughter the first training bra you find. If you lack confidence in relating to your girl about her body and/or her clothing, find someone who has it to spare. This is where my Single Father's Toolkit comes in handy again. The second tool on the list is "friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends." Talk to the nicest Mom-friend you know and ask whether her daughter has brought up the subject, and what "grown-up" activities she is doing, i.e. shaving, wearing a bra, using deodorant, experiencing the odd pimple or getting greasy hair.  Ask her to keep you in the loop so that your daughter isn't left behind. She may not be the right person, though, to talk to your daughter or take her shopping.

Ask your daughter to which Mom it's easiest to talk, or whose style she admires. If you feel comfortable with her choice, ask her if she will take the girls shopping and help your daughter pick out what she needs or wants at the same time as her friend. There has to be a trust between them; that she will give it generous attention and help her find "the right things," right not necessarily having a literal definition.

This is still about breasts; visible and undeniable emblems of being female and of femininity. This can be very difficult for a father to accept. There is the sense, that she is yours to protect until you feel she is ready for a relationship with a young man. It's a shock to realize that her body will proceed with its development, with or without your approval. Likewise, you won't want her body to draw male attention, but it will. If you try to keep her in little girls' clothes or display any disapproval of her body, you are in danger of undermining her efforts to accept the changes she is experiencing. She needs to feel proud of herself, inside and out.

It's about acknowledging that she is growing up, while understanding that she will still act childish sometimes. It's about her feeling confident that she will always be loved no matter how she changes. It's about accepting why she has to have whatever the other girls have.  Peer pressure is a big influence to a young girl; she doesn't want to be the only girl with discernible breasts, but doesn't want to be the last girl to get them either. By all means, have those heart-to-hearts about anything she wants to discuss. Positively acknowledge the changes in the rest of her body: her face, waist, hips, legs, etc... so that she can see her breasts as part of the entire, nearly teenage package.  The goal is to help her stay positive, accepting, responsible and confident; actually that is your goal too. Tread carefully, and keep love in your voice.

Desperate Housewives

by Merry Armentrout

Fall is here (at least in New England).  The leaves are starting to change color, the air is getting crisp and my TiVo is ready to roll.  I have a handful of favorite shows, and last week was full of season premiers for the fall line-up.  Idon't consider myself a TV junkie, but do relish those few hours a week where I'm able to see what kind of trouble my favorite characters (fictional and real) get themselves into and out of.  

I wrote a blog on the TV show Glee last season.  I think the show is wonderful, but I'm actually more impressed with the subjects the show broaches- infertility, adoption, LGBT family building, to name a few.  These are the things The American Fertility Association supports, and the conversations we want to take place in the mainstream- such as a prime time TV show. 

You can also find these conversations on Wisteria Lane.  Desperate Housewives capped off season six with Gaby, played by Eva Longoria, offering to donate her eggs to a gay couple, but at the last minute changes her mind, causing the Lee and Bob to break-up.  Though this television show is fictional, the issues it raises are reality for many people.

The AFA is dedicated to educating and supporting all men and women concerned with family building - including hopeful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) parents. One way this is achieved is through third party reproduction.  There are many reproductive options for gay men and lesbian women, including a resource directory to find such services.

I have to admit, I'm a bit biased toward Desperate Housewives. Brenda Strong, the voice of Mary Alice Young on the show, is the national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association.  Strong struggled with infertility, and found yoga helped alleviate the stress brought on while undergoing fertility treatments. 

It might seem like a little thing, including infertility and family building in a TV show.  But it's the little things that become part of the bigger picture in today's reality for hopeful parents.

 

Ban on gay adoption overturned in Florida

 

by  Carolyn Berger, LCSW

On Wednesday I learned that Florida will stop enforcing its gay adoption ban, which has been in existence for 33 years.

 Until now, Florida was the only remaining state to ban adoption by gay men and women without exception.

 Honestly, I don’t know whether to celebrate or cry.  It’s undeniably a great step forward, but difficult to comprehend why Florida allowed gays and lesbians to become foster parents, but refused to allow them to adopt.

The story of Frank Martin Gil and his boys is at the heart of Wednesday’s decision.  When the two half- brothers came into his home as foster children, they were four years old and four months old. Their parents were crack-addicted, and like other kids removed from their home and placed in foster care, they were abused and neglected.  They both had ringworm. One of them had an untreated ear infection.  The four-year-old couldn’t speak, and he spent all of his time taking care of his baby brother.

In 2008 the ACLU represented Gil in his desire to adopt the boys, who were clearly thriving.  Adoption would give these children permanency, meaning that Gil would be their “forever” parent rather than their foster parent.  Judge Cindy Lederman wrote a decision stating it is clear that sexual orientation is not a predictor of a person’s ability to parent, and she ruled that Florida’s ban on gay adoption was unconstitutional. Gil was able to adopt his boys.

Later, the Florida Department of Children and Families challenged Judge Lederman’s decision, saying that the court had erred and the adoption was illegal.  On Wednesday Florida’s Third District Court of Appeals in Miami upheld the lower court’s 2008 ruling, and Gil’s adoption was deemed permanent.

Now it is said that The Florida Department of Children and Families is weighing whether to appeal at the Florida State Supreme Court.  Since Wednesday’s ruling applies to the Gil family only, a decision from the state’s highest court would provide a clear resolution in all jurisdictions.

We need a clear resolution—for gay rights and for children’s rights.  Both sides of the original 2008 case agreed that the boys were doing extremely well in their foster parent (and his male partner’s) home.  Both sides agreed that gays and heterosexuals make equally good parents. 

A final resolution of this matter would allow countless other gay foster parents in Florida to adopt kids and give them safe, secure homes, as well as the knowledge that their families couldn’t be taken apart by the State—unless, of course, there was evidence of abuse or neglect.

This is as it should be.  Right now there are 114, 550 U.S. children in foster care waiting to be adopted, according to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a leader in the nation’s efforts to find homes for these kids. 

So, when two children who have endured abuse and neglect from their biological parents and have found physical and emotional well-being with their new parent, don’t we want this to continue?  All too often, foster children are shifted from home to home, never knowing the kind of family life so many of us take for granted. 

 Would we really want to interfere with a family that is doing so well just because the Dad is gay?

 I don’t think so. But don’t take it from me-- ask the 114,500 children who are waiting for permanent homes.

 Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is a Founder, Board Member, and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council of The AFA. She has a private practice specializing in Fertility and Adoption in Larchmont and Manhattan.