The AFA Blog

Surviving Mother’s and Father’s Day

by Judith Kottick, LCSW

 Mother’s and Father’s Day may be holidays invented by the Hallmark Card Company, but it doesn’t mean this commemoration of parenthood doesn’t still have meaning.  For many of us, the attitudes we hold toward any holiday stem from childhood memories of the rituals and sentiments about the day that our parents have created or passed down from their own families.  At the same time, current life circumstances add a layer of feeling about the holiday that may dictate whether you are dreading or looking forward to the day’s observation.  So if your recollection of Mother’s Day is a warm family gathering with cousins, good food and laughter, it may be a holiday you would enjoy under other circumstances, but not while going through infertility and longing for parenthood.  If, on the other hand, you remember Father’s Day as a period of tension between parents, step-parents or relatives that left you feeling forgotten or fought over, this may be a day you dreamed could be different with your own child, but is just as well skipped over this year, while going through infertility.

 Many individuals and couples going through fertility treatment express a sense of dread leading into events that revolve around children or parenthood.  Certainly Mother’s and Father’s Day fall into that category.  It seems to be true that Mother’s and Father’s Day are about your own parents when you are growing up, but once you’re an adult and ready for a child, you’re meant to take center stage on this day.  And when parenthood is elusive, forget it!  The day is painful and an acute reminder of what is supposed to be.  Restaurants, places of worship, department stores, garden centers, newspapers and chocolate stores are all in on the celebration.  So what’s a wishing-to-be-a-parent to do?

 Take care of yourself.  There are many times when it makes sense to focus on the people in your life who you want to nurture and care for, but sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission to put yourself first.  When you’re going through infertility, this is one of those times.  Consider skipping the Mother’s/Father’s Day festivities this year, or make a brief appearance.  Give an excuse or explain to your family that you would appreciate their understanding that you need to skip the holiday this year. 

 Check in with your partner.  If you are trying to conceive within the context of a marriage or relationship, you can’t necessarily assume your partner shares your views on the upcoming Mother’s or Father’s Day.  While some people are able to compartmentalize the fertility struggle with little effect on their day-to-day lives, others find it consumes their every thought and decision, alienating them from the community and activities that were once so meaningful.  Consequently some couples find they disagree on the importance of attending family functions, adding tension to their relationship at a time when they need each other for understanding and support.  In this situation it is important to resist the urge to engage in a battle over the “right” or “wrong” approach, with each of you trying to force your beliefs and will over the other.  Instead, commit to listening and acknowledging each other’s views, and brainstorm together on the best solution for both of you.  Remember, it may take some ingenuity and patience to balance the needs of each partner, as well as the families of both.

  Plan ahead.  If you think you’ll want a reprieve from the holiday plans with your family, let them know ahead of time so they can adjust their expectations and you don’t spend weeks anticipating the confrontation.  Even if they react with anger or disappointment, you can still maintain your ground knowing you will have saved yourself unnecessary stress on the day in question.  There will be plenty of time to make it up to your family in the future.

 Create your own occasion.  Mark the day with your spouse or close friends doing non-child oriented activities.  Walk in the woods, create an intimate day with your partner, go for a bike ride, take a weekend away at a spa or lock the doors and watch movies and order Chinese food.  Try something new or settle on an activity that has been gratifying in the past.  Whatever you choose, take comfort in knowing you may not be in control of your family building schedule, but you can still take charge of other parts of your life.

 Reacquaint yourself with… yourself.  When family building plans are delayed or derailed, it is often the case that life centers around medical treatment and baby making, while losing the parts of your identity that previously made you proud.  Why not take Mother’s or Father’s Day as an opportunity to remember your accomplishments and the people in your life who have been a help to you during this difficult time.  You haven’t lost your talents and abilities just because you’re struggling to have a baby, nor are you any less important to the people who love you.  Take time to salute the functioning parts of your life and relationships.

 Grieve.  Lastly, there’s no shame in feeling sad.   Sharon N. Covington and Linda Hammer Burns, in Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians, remind us that “Infertility involves grief and loss whether it is a profound distinct loss at the onset of treatment or a gradual accumulation of losses over time.”  Sometimes the best approach to this challenging time is to spend a day in mourning.  Giving yourself the space to recognize these difficult feelings will ultimately give way to the resolve and energy necessary to continue your quest for parenthood. 

 However you spend Mother’s or Father’s day, take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  You may feel invisible on this holiday but there are estimates that one out of ten couples trying to conceive in the U.S. are having the same experience.  Remember, with a little planning, communicating and self-care, you can survive the day and look forward to what lies ahead.

 Judith Kottick LCSW is a therapist practicing in the field of reproductive counselling and a member of The AFA Mental Health Advisory Council

The Leap from Infertility to Adoption

 

by Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

During the week of National Infertility Awareness two friends have contacted me to talk about their long struggles with infertility.  The agonizing pain they continue to experience is both familiar and palpable.  They both have wonderful husbands who have supported them through their treatments and multiple losses.  They have gone through this process together each offering the other comfort and understanding.  One friend has decided to begin the process of adoption.  The other has come close to that point but is not quite there yet.  Every woman who has experienced infertility understands that before you can take the next step whatever that might be you have to feel you have tried everything you possibly can to get your body to achieve pregnancy hopefully giving birth to a healthy child.

            Most people try to have a child through infertility treatments before they consider adoption as a family building option.  Like infertility treatment, adoption takes time, money, and a lot of patience on the part of the perspective parents. You will face challenges along the way finding the right agency, the birthmother or birthparents who select you if you adopt domestically, doing the paperwork, interviews, and preparing the paperwork you need to begin your adoption process.  The good news is adoption is a family building alternative that usually ends with a child becoming a member of your family.  You will have the opportunity to parent by yourself or with your partner.  There is a degree of certainty about having a child in the end that is associated with adoption.

            It can be challenging switching your mind and your efforts from doing what you can to have a biological or genetic link with a child to exploring adopting a child.  The most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe you are capable of adopting a child? Think carefully about if you can truly love, bond with, and accept a child who shares no biologic or genetic link with you?  Take time considering why you want to adopt and what the adoption will mean to you. 

            You may find it useful to take some time to grieve the loss of having a child with these biologic or genetic links before you pursue the path of adoption.  Give yourself some time to nurture yourself, emotionally and physically recharge, and process the losses associated with your unsuccessful infertility treatment before your embark on this new path to building your family.  Being an adoptive parent is no less challenging or enriching for you and your adopted child.  It is something you can choose to do.  There are challenges associated with the process of adoption just as there are with infertility treatment.  The experiences that challenged you during infertility can offer you valuable insights and perspective that you can use to help you through your adoption process.  Parenting transforms us in ways we can’t even imagine.  Whether you become a parent through infertility or adoption the rewards can be great.

 Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

Surviving the Guilt of Infertility

By Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

             In a blog I recently read the author described her “survivor’s guilt”.  She  experienced two pregnancy losses and has been trying to conceive since 2006.  Her blog described her multiple attempts at intrauterine inseminations and IVF transfers without any success.  She candidly described the darkness and emotional and physical pain related to these multiple losses.  I wondered what she meant by guilt?

            She went on to explain that a life changing seminar she attended had made her recognize that it was up to her to release the emotions and sadness linked with these multiple losses.  She discovered that the sadness and guilt she had placed on herself for failing to have a healthy child had emotionally and physically caused her to be immobile.

She believes that women have a choice about how to deal with the painful episodes caused by the inability to conceive a child and become a parent.  She chooses to believe that she will become pregnant again at some point in the future.  The author thinks she lost some readers because she chose not to continue to describe the darkness she felt and is focusing on feeling positive and better.

            I was struck by an observation she made that I believe is true.  She described the gap that occurs between someone who is trying to conceive, becomes pregnant, or decides to adopt, and those that are still trying to conceive.  Her theory is that once you become pregnant there is a sense of guilt about those who are not pregnant but were there for you when you were trying to conceive.  She believes a successful pregnancy can make you feel as though you have left them behind and nobody speaks about it or understands what to say or do.  

            I led a parenting after infertility group for several years and guilt was a recurring theme.  My group participants also expressed fears that something would go wrong with their pregnancy because of past failures.  They described feeling guilty for being pregnant and having friends still struggling to get pregnant.

            This dilemma is something many have experienced.  It is a delicate balancing act allowing yourself to be happy about your own pregnancy and being sensitive to others who are still trying to get to where you are.   Anyone who has been infertile can describe the savage emotional and physical impact it has on their lives.  You become a member of a club nobody wants to belong to.  Yet, this club’s members offer each other unconditional ongoing support and understanding.  Suddenly you are not a member of that club. If you are among the lucky who eventually have a healthy child those memories are not erased.  I believe room can be made to experience the joy of conquering infertility and simultaneously sharing feelings of encouragement and compassion with those you know who are still trying.  If you have a close relationship with another person who is infertile and you feel comfortable enough to discuss this issue it can ultimately strengthen you relationship.  You both have to be willing to take that chance and express what you need from each other.  In the end this experience may be a source of comfort to all the participants.

Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

What Matters Most

By Shari DeGraff Stewart

As a therapist, I sit with a young woman who struggles to find words to express her anguish and disbelief, "Is this it?  Is this my life?"  Some people would look at her, a beautiful woman, and think she has everything:  financial security and social respect from an education and established career, a caring family and amazing husband, even the American dream of a lovely home and car.  But she wonders, "Is this all there is?  I've worked hard so we could create a home, not just for us, but for our baby.  All my dreams of growing old together include our children and grandchildren."

The deep grief of infertility is the realization that what matters most, to many of us, is a life and a world we share with our children.  The material things we thought mattered become a painful mockery—"What use is this house if its not filled with the sound of children laughing?  Why am I working so hard for one promotion after another?  I don't want my legacy to be this business.  I want it to be my son or daughter."  Even the image of a catastrophe clarifies our priorities—If there were a ______________(fire, flood, earthquake) the first thing we think about is, "Are the children safe?"  Because, that is what matters most to us.

To dismiss the grief and fear of infertility as an "obsession" is to miss this basic truth.  What we value most in life, from the intangibles of meaning, love, faith, and truth to the physical needs of comfort, touch, and nurture are for most of us, intertwined in the image of and need for our children.  It is my life's work and the work of The Stewart Institute Foundation to meet the emotional needs of women and couples facing what may be the most-difficult grief of their life—the fear of losing their children.

Reposted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility