The AFA Blog

The AFA Launches Zumba® for Fertility for NIAW®

The American Fertility Association (The AFA), a national non-profit family building organization, is excited to announce its 1st annual Zumbathon® for Fertility, to take place during National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW).   The first event will be on Wednesday, April 27th at William Alexander Middle School (M.S. 51) 350 Fifth Avenue Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY at 7:30 p.m.

The AFA is committed to supporting men and women to be their healthiest, not only when they are trying to conceive, but for their entire lives.  More importantly, The AFA wants all women to get pregnant safely, and to give birth to healthy babies.  It was through this heartfelt ideology, shared by the entire AFA staff and board of directors, that Zumba® for Fertility was born.

Multiple studies show that fertility potential can be enhanced through healthy lifestyle choices, such as eating right and exercising regularly. Exercise has also been proven to support stress reduction, a common side effect of infertility treatment.  Additionally, highbody mass index (BMI) has been definitively correlated with increased risk of complications during pregnancy, and even fetal death.    

The AFA's staff is comprised of five members, residing in four states.  The organization represents different regions of the United States, yet share a common health conscious ideology that transcends borders.   Zumba® for Fertility was born out of our passion for the staff’s personal health, and because they’re passionate about bringing healthy messages to all individuals who are currently trying to create their own families. 

Zumba® for Fertility will take place in the hometowns of the staff’s residence; Brooklyn, NY, New London, NH, Charlotte, NC, and Phoenix, AZ.  Tickets are $20 and tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. 

Health conscious reproductive endocrinologist, Richard Grazi, M.D.  of Genesis Fertility and Reproductive Medicine in Brooklyn has enthusiastically signed on as the first sponsor.

Long time AFA staff members and Brooklyn residents Corey Whelan and Melinda Micciola are excited for the first event in their hometown.  Whelan says, “Women who are trying to conceive often disassociate from their bodies during the seemingly unending process of infertility treatments.  Zumba®, as well as other forms of exercise, can help women to not only reconnect with their physical selves but to also have fun in the process.  And fun, for men and women going through this predicament, is a goal unto itself.”

“We commend RESOLVE for drawing attention to the challenges of those facing infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week®,” states Ken Mosesian, Executive Director of The AFA. “The AFA continuously works to normalize the conversation about infertility in the mainstream, and is confident that our Zumba® events will further that goal.”

 

About The AFA

The American Fertility Association, a 501 (c) (3) national non-profit organization, is a resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family building. The AFA's services are provided to consumers and are available to everyone. These include an extensive online library, daily fertility news, a toll-free support line, and education outreach events.

Photo:  123RF

 

What Matters Most

By Shari DeGraff Stewart

As a therapist, I sit with a young woman who struggles to find words to express her anguish and disbelief, "Is this it?  Is this my life?"  Some people would look at her, a beautiful woman, and think she has everything:  financial security and social respect from an education and established career, a caring family and amazing husband, even the American dream of a lovely home and car.  But she wonders, "Is this all there is?  I've worked hard so we could create a home, not just for us, but for our baby.  All my dreams of growing old together include our children and grandchildren."

The deep grief of infertility is the realization that what matters most, to many of us, is a life and a world we share with our children.  The material things we thought mattered become a painful mockery—"What use is this house if its not filled with the sound of children laughing?  Why am I working so hard for one promotion after another?  I don't want my legacy to be this business.  I want it to be my son or daughter."  Even the image of a catastrophe clarifies our priorities—If there were a ______________(fire, flood, earthquake) the first thing we think about is, "Are the children safe?"  Because, that is what matters most to us.

To dismiss the grief and fear of infertility as an "obsession" is to miss this basic truth.  What we value most in life, from the intangibles of meaning, love, faith, and truth to the physical needs of comfort, touch, and nurture are for most of us, intertwined in the image of and need for our children.  It is my life's work and the work of The Stewart Institute Foundation to meet the emotional needs of women and couples facing what may be the most-difficult grief of their life—the fear of losing their children.

Reposted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility

Look Who’s Talking About Infertility

  by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           I have been closely following recent articles discussing whether you should talk about your infertility or not.  Dina Roth Port wrote an article for the Huffington Post titled “Infertility: The Disease we Need to Start Talking About.”   Her thesis is that people who experience infertility have been reluctant to speak about it.  She speculates the reasons are that infertility is “an extremely personal matter” and adds some people may feel some shame about their inability to conceive a child. 

            The article goes on to compare infertility to other medical conditions like cancer where ribbons are worn and people proudly march and publicly speak out to raise funds for their personal causes.  Ms. Port sites poor infertility insurance coverage as an example of the consequences of silence.

            Melissa Ford authored an article on her blog in response to Ms. Port.  Her article, “Please Stop Telling me to Speak about Infertility” offered a different perspective.  She agrees we should talk about our infertility.  Her belief is that when we do nobody listens.  Her experience is when she talks about infertility, “the conversation screeches to a halt.”  She argues that Ms. Port is blaming the victim.  The issue for her is “we still need the other side to listen to it.”  In my experience that silence has to do with the fact that people don’t know what to say or are fearful about saying the wrong thing. 

            I would argue they both are right.  It is important to discuss infertility in order to help those who haven’t experienced it to understand how devastating it is.  That may or may not be a personal goal for you. You have the option of telling people what you need from them to help get the support you need as you battle your infertility.  I remember when I was in the midst of my treatment.  I finally got pregnant and my husband wanted to tell everyone about it.  I was initially hesitant to talk to even immediate family because I didn’t want to face questions, have to give long explanations, and feared I might have a miscarriage.  

            In the end each of us must figure out what feels right in terms of what we do disclose about our infertility and who we talk to about it.  What are your goals in discussing your infertility?  You hope the listener will respond with sensitivity and compassion.  You need to be prepared for the possibility that won’t happen.  Carefully consider if you want to talk to others, who might be a confidant, and what the consequences will be for you.  Ideally if you choose to talk there will be someone there ready to listen. 

 AFA blogger Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, has a Master’s Degree in Social Work and has been a licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years.  She has done workshops, individual, and group counseling with people experiencing infertility.  Ms. Waichler is the author of the award winning Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire.  She currently writes freelance infertility and health related articles.

How do I support my infertile sister-in-law?

by Shari Degraff Stewart and Julia Fichtner Krahm

"My sister-in-law and her husband have been struggling with infertility for some time now. They have been married 11 years and have been very private about their struggle.

I have two children and the other families each have 4 children, so there have been many pregnancies and babies over the last 11 years, which I can see is very painful for her each time another pregnancy in announced.

Now we (my husband and I) are talking about adopting an older child from an orphanage in Haiti, and I can see that even that is hard for her to hear. I want so badly to care for her in her struggle, but I also don't want to withhold information about our lives if it is not necessary.  Sometimes I just don't know what is ok to talk about, especially at these holiday gatherings when everyone is asking what is going on in your lives.

Any advice you can give would be really helpful".

—Tammy

Your compassion is evident in your question.  While you cannot alleviate the core of her grief, you can offer your support in gentle ways that let her know the door is open, you can run interference for her in family gatherings, you can offer a relationship with you, when loss of relationship is the primary cause of her pain.

You and your family have naturally been cautious in approaching this subject with your sister-in-law out of respect for her privacy.  You have likely been waiting for her to indicate whether she wants to discuss her infertility or not.  In the grief and pain she is experiencing, it is difficult for her to take that first step.  As hard as it may be, I encourage the friends and family members of an infertile woman to see that taking initiative to bring up the topic is one of the greatest acts of support and kindness you can offer.  You will still allow her to choose how much to respond, but your gentle offerings or questions will open the door enough if she does want to talk. Your words will be a simple acknowledgment of her pain followed by questions that invite conversation if she chooses or offers of help or support.  You will want to be careful to avoid giving advice or trying to change what she feels.  Here are some simple statements you could use:

 I imagine this is painful for you and I’m so sorry.

 I’m so sorry for how hard this must be.

 I often wonder if you are struggling. I care about that and I want you to know that your pain does not go unnoticed.

I don’t know where you are and I don’t want to be intrusive, but I want you to know that I care and if there is anything I can do that is supportive of you and your pain, I would like to.

What do you need? 

I would love to be supportive of you and want to know what is helpful and what is not helpful.  What do you need? 

Regarding your possibly adopting a child, offer her a brief description of your plans about the adoption then let her know that, in general, you are not going to bring up the topic, but will wait and let her choose if she wants news or information.  Something like this:

You know that Dave and I are considering adopting a child from Haiti.  I’m not sure if this news is hard for you to hear.  I just want to let you know that I will talk about it anytime you want, but I will wait for you to bring up the subject.

Likely, at some point in the future, she will take you up on your offer.  When she feels like she has the strength, she will ask you a question or two.  Be aware that her initiating the conversation does not mean she has endless capacity to talk about this new child.  Create natural breaks in the conversation that allow her to move on to another topic.  If she wants to continue to hear about your child, she will let you know.  It might look something like this:

Her:  So, tell me what is going on with the adoption.

You:  Oh we’ve just found out that ….  And then we’re going to….  So we’re thinking we might….  Anyway, you were going to tell me about the trip you are planning.

She will either move into this new conversation or will slow you down with another question about the adoption.  What I want you to notice is that you will create ways for her to manage the length of the conversation.  Depending upon your relationship, you can ask her, “How is it for you to talk about this?   The lovely thing about questions is that she can respond to your invitation to talk more if she wants, or she can politely say something simple, like “fine,” and you will know she doesn’t want to open up more about he r feelings at this time.

In family gatherings when it is natural for loved ones to talk about all of the children a nd especially your possible new child, you can do several things. 

• At the gathering, if much of the conversation remains on the adoption, you turn the conversation with a simple phrase, “Oh I’ll fill you in on all of that later, when are we going to play cards?”  In a follow-up conversation, you may say to one of the family members:  “I didn’t me an to cut you short, I just thought it might be painful to talk about the adoption too much with the whole family present.” Your words offer gentle education to this family member about your sister-in-laws needs.

• You can also offer her a break from the conversation by asking her to help you make some coffee in another room.  You might ask her in the kitchen, “Are you okay?”  Your open-ended question allows her to choose what and how much she discloses.

• If you’re hosting the gathering, encourage this couple to choose when and how much they attend:  “We’re thinking of eating around 6:00 and then maybe play some cards.  Do you want to come for all or part of the evening?”

Offer and make available girl-only or couple-only times when she can just be a person, a friend, or sister-in-law and doesn’t feel like she is always wearing a capital “I” for Infertile on her chest.  Dinner with you and your husband and no kids or an afternoon with you shopping or indulging in a manicure will offer the healing that comes from relationship.

Children encapsulate every relationship and feeling in our life.  She grieves not just being a mother.  She longs to re-experience her own childhood in a daughter, or see a glimpse of her husband’s boyhood in a son.  She knows she would touch the life of her mother and grandmother in holding her child in her arms.  She even recalls the thrill of falling in love with her husband as she instantly falls in love with her child.  It is all of these losses that she grieves.  Your friendship doesn’t fill this loss.  It does offer some respite from it and it offers some healing.

Reprinted with permission from the Stewart Institute for Infertility

Why You Should Like Infertility

by Merry Armentrout

I have a confession. I don't want anyone to know what I'm about to share, but feel the need to do so to prove a very important point. Let me start from the beginning...

As Director of Communications for The American Fertility Association my job is to spread the word about our organization. This involves working with the media, including the emergence of social media. I created a Facebook Fan Page for The AFA a few months ago, and I'm proud to say it rocks. The fan page includes 15 HD videos on a variety of topics, including Endometriosis, PCOS, Recurrent Miscarriage, In Vitro Fertilization and Reproductive Options for Gay Women, to name a few. The videos featured on our fan page come from The AFA's online library which includes Video Fact Sheets, informational fact sheets featuring a top expert in the fertility field on video. The best part, the videos are only a small fraction of our fan page. You can find pictures from our outreach events across the country, information on The AFA's board and staff members and daily posts and discussions on relevant topics on family building.

I've said it once, and I'm not afraid to say it again- our fan page rocks!

You would think I would be the first person to "Like" the own fan page I created, but I wasn't- I hesitated. That one small moment of hesitation shows there's a huge problem with the negative stigma associated with infertility. I didn't want to become a "fan" of The American Fertility Association because I didn't want my 550 "friends" on Facebook to think I was infertile. It doesn't matter the people who are closest to me, about 50 or so, know my husband and I haven't tried to have a baby yet, but it was the 500 other "friends" I was concerned with. The people I haven't seen since high school graduation, the people who I haven't talked with in years, it's those people I didn't want to think I was struggling with infertility.

If I saw a "Like" button for such organizations as Livestrong, a group that fights cancer, I would have no hesitation becoming a fan. In fact, thousands of people wear a yellow bracelet showing their support for fighting cancer. Cancer does affect more people, but infertility is one the rise. The latest statistic is one in 6- that's how many couples in the United States are facing infertility.

People who are coping with infertility have enough on their plate, so the least we can do is be supportive.  How can we do that? The AFA is working tirelessly to normalize the conversation about infertility in the mainstream. Our goal is to remove the shame and embarrassment many people feel when dealing with infertility. I'm hoping my confession might help us towards that goal.

I'm urging all of you who are reading this blog to "Like" The American Fertility Association on Facebook. Become a fan. Email the link to your friends and family.  Urge them to "Like" The AFA.  The more fans we have the better. Everyone facing infertility should know they're not alone. Cheesy, but true- one in 6 remember.

Don't do what I did. Don't hesitate. Our mission is too important. Help us spread the joy of family.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

by Merry Armentrout

"Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy."

That was the opening line for last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. 

It's the truth, isn't it.  Infertility can make you go crazy. It's stressful, physically grueling and emotionally draining. Infertility isn't a laughing matter.There's nothing funny about it.  That being said, there are times when laughter can be the best medicine.

 Each month you try to conceive, there are a mix of emotions that accompany the process. Constant feelings of rising hopelessness and sinking despair can certainly take an emotional toll on you and your partner.  You might not feel like laughing, but letting out a good laugh can help lighten the mood surrounding infertility.

My colleague, Corey Whelan, recently published an Examiner article on different ways other women have dealt with infertility through laughter. It seems the idea is catching on judging by last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother.

The episode follows married couple Marshall and Lily as they make a trip to a fertility clinic after failing to get pregnant. The first scene shows the couple talking with their OBGYN about their fear of being infertile. The doctor asks how long they've been trying to get pregnant...the answer is 6 days.  It then flashed forward to a few months later, and Lily and Marshall think something must be wrong because they're "doing it" a lot.  And in various locations (including the doctor's waiting room), and different positions. Lily declines Marshall's plan to continue to have as much sex as possible, and insists on seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

They both undergo infertility testing.  You can imagine the fun the shows writers must have had when creating the sperm collection scene.  Marshall walks into the room as another man is walking out, and gets way too freaked out by the thought of another person collecting semen that he is unable to perform the task. I can imagine how intimidating and embarrassing  it would be to collect a sperm sample in a fertility clinic's office, but I would suggest watching this episode- it might lighten the mood.

Lily checks out ok, and instantly Marshall is scared he's too blame. Since male infertility is to blame 40% of the time, it's certainly a possibility, but he checks ok as well.  During this time, Marshall doesn't want to tell his father of the chance he might not be able to give him a grandchild.  He says he's used to telling his family happy news, and is embarrassed to tell them about their struggle to conceive.

It's a tough question- should I tell anyone, and if so, whom?  Ellen Speyer, a Member of The AFA's Mental Health Advisory Council wrote a wonderful article on this very subject- the pros and cons of telling people about infertility.  It's a personal decision, but loved ones are there for you during the good and the bad. 

If you're dealing with infertility I would suggest you watch this episode, and get a good laugh at infertility.  Laughter is the best medicine.

   

 

Your infertility arsenal for 2011

by Corey Whelan

A new year, a new you. 

Easier said than felt, particularly for women who have spent the last year (or longer) trying to get pregnant, without success.

Let's face it, we often experience Infertility as a powerful enemy.. And one of this most hated enemy's weapons is it's ability to diminish the feeling of control that we so covet, even require, in our own lives. 

While it's true that you may not be able to eradicate infertility at will from your own life, you can absolutely opt to disable this element of the experience and to achieve more balance, and control, than you currently may be experiencing.  And you have the right to do that.  Believe it or not, you have an arsenal at your finger tips.  You simply need to call it up, and now is a good time to practice doing that.  While every woman's arsenal will vary somewhat, there are a few handy dandy items you should always tote around in yours.

Laugh. Ever hear the expression "fake it till you make it"?  There's nothing wrong with having fun, and joy in your life. It's not fattening and it won't stop you from getting pregnant.  Funny movies and television shows are more than just a diversion. They are often a life saver.  Pick your pleasure, and pick it often.

Talk. It's no secret that infertility puts a strain on the hardiest of relationships. You may be feeling this in your romantic life, your family life and your friendships.  But always remember, you are loved, even if you may not be feeling an avalanche of the kind of support you need coming at you from friends and family right now.  Something that might help is this.  Enlist the shoulder of the person that you feel is best armed to support you through this piece of your life, and request of him or her an oasis of time, just for you, on a daily basis to simply talk.  This is your opportunity to dump, to scream, to cry, to blurt out everything you are feeling without judgement or even that person's opinions or comments (unless you request them).  If you need to enlist more than one person, that's ok.  And if no one comes to mind but this sounds like something you could use, well, that's what therapists are for.

Choose.  Not everyone will be able to hang in there with you through this time.  It doesn't mean they don't care about you or you about them.  But you have the right to choose who you spend time with and who you don't.  If you can't handle that annual family get together or party, then don't go.  Baby showers?  Up to you.  And, if you get a nagging feeling that a friend is not able, or willing to support you through this right now, gently put a hiatus on the friendship. You're in control, remember?  Exercise that control.

Move.  Movement displaces anxiety.  Take a walk, take a run, take a yoga class, but take your body to a transformative place by giving it time to breathe, and heal, through movement.  Your body, despite it's current trying to conceive and not getting there state, is still an instrument of joy, and pleasure.  Let it be that for you.

Touch. You have the right to enjoy your sex life.  Baby making sex is not the only kind of sex there is, remember?  Find creative ways to get back in touch with that, and then, find some more.

Thank. Think about what you have in your life to be grateful for and give thanks for that.  You are still you, and there is more to you than this experience.  Try giving thanks for what you currently have.  If this feels too difficult for you right now, let it go for a day, or two. Consider it a goal for tomorrow.  But hold onto this one, it's a goal worth acheiving. 

Remember. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is a new day.  Your life will not always feel like this.  Remember to be kind to yourself and to hold on to all of the tomorrows, and all of the dreams, that are still ahead of you.

Happy New Year to all of the women who so want to be mommies but who are not there yet. I hope that 2011 will be your year.     

Reprinted with permission from examiner.com

Photo: 123RF

Friends and Family

By Shari DeGraff Stewart and Julia Fichtner Krahm

Your support can change her life forever as she faces the crisis of infertility treatment.

Each of us can recall with clarity a person who was with us when we were in great pain or need.  Those moments in life stand out like few others.  You, who love an infertile woman, have the opportunity to support her in one of the most difficult experiences of her life.  You cannot change or fix the grief of her infertility, but you can alleviate some of the unnecessary pain that comes inadvertently from those around her.

Men also experience grief and pain during this time, but they have likely not dreamt of being a parent since young childhood.  A woman has been reminded of reproduction every month since puberty, and her life is more affected by other mothers and the talk and experience of children.  Husbands and partners, you will at times share her loss and pain, and other times your experience will be more like that of family and friends—uncertain how to care for and reach out to the woman you love.

One of the most painful experiences of her life
Infertility is consistently described as the most, or one of the most, painful experiences of a woman’s life.  The distress she feels has been shown to be at the same level as those who have cancer or AIDS, and when money is not a factor, it is the most-common reason infertility treatment is discontinued.  What some may mislabel  “obsession” on her part, is single-mindedness necessary for her to endure the emotional, physical, and (often) financial toll of infertility.  Hers is the love of a mother and she is fighting for her child.

Children break all the rules, or “The Fertile Myrtle” response
Because children are so wonderful, we sometimes unintentionally cause her pain by doing or saying things we would know to be hurtful in any other crisis.  Could you imagine if I disclosed to you I had breast cancer, and your response was, “Boy, not me, I’m the healthiest person in the world.”  While you may cringe that anyone would be so insensitive, you would be saddened to know many infertile women have confided their difficulty conceiving, only to be met with a “Not me, I’m Fertile Myrtle.  I get pregnant just thinking about it!”  Likewise we would not boast about a job promotion to someone desperately seeking work, but fail to see that reveling in the delights of our children and grandchildren is equally painful for an infertile woman.

So how do you reach out to and support an infertile woman or couple?
When you realize that infertility is as devastating as any other major life crisis, you will do all of the simple and profound things you would do for anyone who is facing a frightening diagnosis or painful loss.  First, there are just a few “don’ts.”

• Don’t offer advice, especially simplistic statements to “fix” her problem or her emotional distress such as just relax, maybe this was meant to be, or you can always adopt. 
• Don’t pressure her to attend or participate in events involving children, especially baby showers or gift-exchanges.

Do reach out to her often, with cards, words, questions, or invitations to balance the isolation and pain she is experiencing.  Don’t worry that you are going to remind her of her infertility; she hasn’t forgotten it.

• Acknowledge her feelings of grief, loss, anger, or hope:  I am sorry for all you are going through.  This must be so hard for you.  I’d be angry too!  You would be such a wonderful mother.
• If you’re not sure what she is feeling, ask her:  How are you?  Should you go to this event?  What do you need?  Is there anything I can do?  Can I call you after your appointment?  Can I stop by and see you or just sit with you?
• If you feel uncertain, you can always preface your questions with your desire not to pry:  I don’t know if you want to talk about this, but I’m here if you need someone to listen. Is this a good time?  Be sensitive to her response:  if she seems to close down the conversation, then ease back, but gently reach out again later. 
• You can rarely go wrong with cards or messages that say, “I’m thinking about you.”
• Be careful about including children in a visit or conversation.
• Invite her toward activities she finds life giving.  Often the best things are those that offer relationship with you or others and/or movement.  Don’t pressure her or scold her into behavior you think would be helpful. 
• Encourage her to consider her emotional and physical health when she is deciding whether to participate in a social gathering, and protect her by helping her leave if the situation is painful:  You just say the word and I’ll make an excuse for us to leave.
• Husbands/partners:  spoon with her when she’s grieving and don’t try to “fix it.”  Let her know, “We are in this together,” and demonstrate that commitment by doing your own research and participating in medical appointments and procedures.  Double your daily soothing touches, from a simple caress to a massage.  Don’t evade your and her pain by getting lost in work, sports, or the Internet.
• Everyone, remember the logistical difficulties of months or years of treatment:  perform simple errands or chores to allow her to reserve energy for what many women describe as the fight of their life.

For many infertile women, the most-common response from friends and family is... n o t h i n g.  While not your intention, doing nothing can feel like abandonment at a time when she most needs you.  If you can reach out to her in gentle and persistent ways, you can alleviate some of her pain that feels even greater when she is alone.  What you do today, can change your relationship with her forever.

Reprinted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility

 

Insensitivity and Infertility: Even the Experts Can Sometimes Fail

 

by Iris Waichler, LCSW

I have read many articles about family and friends being insensitive to people who are experiencing infertility. I have written about how to cope with it.  Sometimes that insensitivity comes from people and places we don’t expect and that really leaves us reeling and feeling surprisingly vulnerable.

At one time I worked in a hospital that built a whole new wing dedicated to cancer treatment. They thought of hiring an interior decorator to design and decorate the waiting room and patient treatment rooms, yet, it never occurred to anybody to actually talk to a cancer patient and get their input about the potential decor.  The decorator put in soft couches, no mirrors (assuming cancer patients would not want to see themselves), and used a variety of bright wallpaper prints and colors.  Subsequently the patients threw up a lot because of the bright colors and busy patterns.  Some could not get up out of the comfy couches that had no armrests. Because there were no mirrors, patients came out of the bathroom with wigs on incorrectly, open zippers, and incorrectly buttoned shirts.

I couldn’t help but remember this experience recently, when a member of an infertility group I led told me of her own experience.  She went to a clinic where the waiting room was shared by patients undergoing infertility treatment and now pregnant women, waiting to see their obstetricians. Those of you who are undergoing infertility treatment know that over time you often see the same people day after day, week after week in your doctor’s waiting room and over time you begin to talk and develop relationships together.  After this woman conceived, every visit to her doctor was tinged with guilt as she saw those familiar faces in that waiting room knowing they were still trying to get pregnant.. 

Both of these examples fall under the category of WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?   I imagine those of you reading this can share stories of thoughtless, insensitive actions or comments from the professionals in our lives, whom we trust to know better.  While most professionals in our field are sensitive and knowledgeable about the needs of their patients, when these events do occur they are particularly hurtful as they seem to come out of nowhere, when we are with people we assume understand the vulnerabilities and emotional pain created by infertility.

How can we expect friends and family not to make the same mistakes if some of the experts fail to show the sensitivity needed to help you cope with your infertility?  These types of incidents give us the opportunity to educate those around us.  In the case of the woman in my infertility group, she decided to meet with the head of the clinic advising him of the waiting room mistake.    The clinic administrator was quite grateful for her insights and felt terrible that they had not thought of it themselves.

Sometimes family and friends are not sure what to say to support us as we struggle with our infertility.  Think about how scary and foreign everything was when you began infertility treatment.  The most important thing you can do is to inform selected family, friends, and professionals if necessary, about what they can do to support you through your infertility.  Your needs may change as you move through different phases of infertility treatment.  It takes emotional energy to do this.  But laying this groundwork can help you develop a strong support network and strengthen the bonds and relationships you have within this community.  If your requests are misunderstood or ignored, you can choose to create some distance between you and those involved.  Be patient, flexible, and honest about your needs.  It can be rewarding for all involved.

Iris Waichler is a licensed clincal social worker and author of the award winning Riding the Infertility Roller: A Guide to Educate and Inspire.  She currently does freelance writing on infertility and health related topics.

 

The assumptions we can make of those with fertility challenges

by Maria Portella

One life lesson that I always seem to never quite learn is that you should never make assumptions about others, because you can realise how wrong you are if you do so without asking any questions or getting the facts.  I was very recently reminded of this all over again.

We were talking about someone that we actually don't know, who we had heard was having fertility challenges, and who we were told had said did not want to do IVF.  The assumption made was that the person had investigated this with fertility specialists before coming to that conclusion. But it then transpired we may be wrong and I felt very bad.

Here's the thing - even those of us that battle with fertility issues can forget that everyone's experience is different.  We shouldn't assume anything.  We cannot assume to have an idea of what that person's feelings and thoughts are, and we shouldn't even for a nanosecond pretend to try and second guess.  This whole situation certainly made me think a little more about the issue of fertility challenges.

• It can cause a great deal of anxiety and we all react to it in a different way.  In someone like me who is such a 'do-er', it translates into wanting to do all the investigation and steps I can to work out what I can do to increase the chances of a successful pregnancy.  In others that anxiety can have a paralyzing effect.  And there are others who are very relaxed about their chances of success and feel that there is nothing which they need to do.  Some of us may need help however, to relax, some of us may need someone to lend us a hand to help us out of our 'mind fog' and some of us may need nothing more than a friend or someone to be there.  The biggest challenge is for the person themselves to work out which type they are and for others to help them in this process - this sounds easy but it can be very hard.
• There is an assumption that the cure to all fertility issues is IVF.  Because it is so popular nowadays, we take for granted that this is the only way to go in order to deal with fertility issues but actually that is not the case.  There are some fertility specialists who are of the view that people move on too quickly to IVF before trying other things first.  And if someone feels that IVF is not for them, for whatever reason, they really shouldn't feel there is nothing they can do.  There are certainly lots of things people can try besides IVF which can be helpful and many promote natural fertility remedies.  My personal view is that the two can be complementary - you can pursue traditional medicine and also do natural things like reduce toxins, for example eat organically and do acupuncture to maximize your chances; but you should be open with your practitioners as to what you are doing to be sure the two do not clash with each other.  And we should never criticize someone if they don't want to do IVF - it is a personal choice, we should remember to be supportive to alternative things they may wish to try.  In my opinion, people can sometimes be too quick to dismiss natural and alternative remedies.
• We should never forget to stretch out a hand to others - you can never make someone come to you for help, but you can extend a hand and say you are there if they need to speak or point them in the direction of someone who can help.  Even if you don't know the person, be there for them, particularly if you know what it is like to be there yourself.   
• I realized how lucky folks in the US actually are.  There are many wonderful organizations such as The AFA that are there to help support folks through their family building experience.   These organizations are truly active, enthusiastic and progressive.  Speaking with counterparts back in the UK,  I realize how much more the help and support in that country is ad hoc and just not on the same level - it is changing and getting there, but not quite yet.  (If any UK person is reading this and doesn't agree I apologize - this is just my personal view.)

 So where does this all take me?  Well probably not very far.  But if nothing else it underlines to me how difficult and challenging dealing with fertility issues is.  Nobody should ever underestimate this and assume that everyone reacts the same way.  Stretch out a hand and seek to understand the person.  This isn't about you - it is about them.       

Maria Portella is originally from the U.K. and now resides in the West Indies.  Her special interest is promoting better education about fertility amongst working women.  She reached out to The American Fertility Association because she wished to share her story.

Photo: Courtesy M. Portella