The AFA Blog

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

Gay Dads and Lesbian Moms and the Transition to Parenthood

 

 by Kim Bergman, PhD

 After 14 attempts over 18 months of donor insemination I was finally pregnant--something I had wished for and wanted for years. That's why I was so surprised at my reaction when at 8 months pregnant I visited my friend Holly (who was a month ahead of me) right after the birth of her second son. I walked into her hospital room and saw him in her arms, tiny and pink and looking entirely too fragile and delicate. Holly immediately handed him to me (she was an expert at this, having an older daughter already). I held this tiny creature, watched his eyelids flutter, marveled as his mouth sucked reflexively and thought to myself, "No way am I prepared to do this in just one month!" It was like slow motion and one of those voice-overs saying, "Do not attempt this at home".

 My wife and I went home and proceeded to have about three days of the worst anxiety ever. Here is a peak inside my brain during those few days:

 --what were we thinking

--we have no idea what we are doing

--babies are so tiny and fragile

--what were we thinking

--what if I mess this up completely

--OMG

--how will we do it

--what were we thinking

--how will I ever leave the baby 

--what if something happens

--what were we thinking

 over and over....for several days!

 My reaction was utterly terrifying and took me completely by surprise. Over the next month my anxiety gradually subsided and on the wonderful day that my daughter was born (almost exactly 15 years ago as I write this) it was joy, and not anxiety that I felt.

 While there is really NOTHING but parenthood to prepare you for parenthood. I have found that sharing our common experiences can help ease the transition into this new phase of life, and knowing in advance some of the ways that parenthood changes us can lesson the anxiety.

 There are lots of baby books that seek to prepare people for parenthood so I am not going to talk about the emotional ups and downs, sleepless nights and endless diapers of being a new parent. Instead I am going to focus on some of the emotional issues that my wife and I, and other LGBT parents face as we make the transition to parenthood.

 For me one of the biggest deals about becoming a parent was that it was a total identity shift. As a lesbian, I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be able to be a mom at all. I hear this time and time again from the gay men and lesbians that I help on the path to parenthood. For many of us being gay or lesbian seemed incongruent with being a parent, yet we had the compelling urge to be mommies and daddies. So we find ourselves living our dream of becoming parents, and our identities have quite a transition to go through to catch up.

 For starters, gay men and lesbians who are new parents have to adjust to being the center of a lot of attention. If you live in a big city where there are a lot of other gay families you will probably be admired and ogled over. If you live in a smaller town or one where there are few or no gay families you may be the object of some hostile attention. Either way, people will likely stare a lot, and this can take some getting used to.

 The thing that goes hand in hand with this attention is a whole new level of coming out. Babies with two mommies or two daddies out their parents everywhere they go. And as the kids get older this becomes more and more of an issue when "passing" by not correcting someone’s hetero-assumptive comment has some very real consequences for a child overhearing. If we are not yet out to co-workers and employers, having a baby will make that omission hard to live with. This continual coming out can be a bit jarring at first.

 For many gay men and lesbians, our parents and family of origin have been less than supportive and we fear that our becoming parents will be a source of stress and judgment. We worry about how homophobic family members will treat our children. My mother-in-law had to have a real “talking to” when she treated my two children differently (I gave birth to one and my wife the other). We let her know that she had two grandchildren or none; happily she chose two, but we would have made the difficult choice to let her go if we had to. Many folks that I work with report fearing that their parents will not accept their children, but an almost equal number come back and tell me that once the baby was born their parents’ or in-laws’ reactions ranged from slowly accepting their grandchildren to immediate complete turnarounds as they fell in love with the baby at first sight, their homophobia dropping by the wayside. Babies can be that magical!

 To learn even more about how other gay and lesbian parents make the transition to parenthood, I did a research project to better understand the experiences of the gay men that I work with. What I discovered made me proud, and I hope that you will find it helpful:

 •     In most respects, life changes resulting from parenthood were very much like those experienced by heterosexual couples: closer relations with co-workers, a transition away from single friends toward other couples (straight and gay) with children, and less time for sleep, exercise, and hobbies.

•     Gay dads were more likely to scale back their careers in order to care for their children than heterosexual dads.

•     These fathers reported that their self-esteem and their closeness with their extended families increased after becoming parents.

•     The fathers in my study reported that their relationships with peers at work improved because of the shared parenting experience. 

•     The couples had been together an average of 12 years, and none had dissolved their relationship after becoming parents.

•     Most fathers reported that relationships with their families of origin had become closer, and that having a baby increased recognition of the couple as a family. 

•     Gay dads in my study derived pleasure and pride in taking care of their children.

•     They also received increasing validation from their families and their communities.

•     Being a parent contributed to greater meaning in their lives.

 While none of these findings surprised me it’s always good to have research to back up your ideas and personal experience.

 No matter how you create your family, the transition to parenthood is one of the most glorious experiences one can have.  And, while there are some unique issues that lesbian and gay parents may face, in the end the baby is the common denominator, and that tiny adorable bundle of magic will get you through it all. But buckle up!

 (My kids are now 15 and 12, so I am working on the next chapter in parenting, “The Transition to Parenting Teens,” which I am expecting to be as exhilarating a roller-coaster as those first 6 weeks of parenting a newborn!)

Kim Bergman. Ph.D.is the founder of Fertility Counseling Services, Inc., providing all aspects of psychological services to individuals and agencies in the field of fertility and assisted reproduction. Dr. Bergman also is a co-owner of Growing Generations LLC.

 

Kim Bergman Ph.D. 2011. All Rights Reserved.  Permission granted to The AFA

Words From a Prayer Book

by Carolyn N. Berger, L.C.S.W.

Friday night I went to temple with my friend Al at Beit Simchat Torah in Manhattan, the world’s largest LGBT synagogue.  Al sings in the choir and often invites me when there’s a special choral service.  He knows I love the music and enjoy dinner with him afterwards. But at this Friday’s service, while idly flipping through my prayer book, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: 

 “As a community of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and straight Jews, we have experienced the ways in which LGBT families are erased from the Jewish Community and family life.  Because of the way we love, some of us have lost our children or have been excused from their lives; many of us will never be legally recognized as the parents of children we have raised.  Likewise, many us of are the children of parents who are not recognized.  Yet, despite this, we know that our relationships are holy and our families are real.”

Over thirty years ago Beit Simchat Torah temple was established by people who felt the need to build a new temple community where they could be accepted for who they are.  On Saturday mornings the place now teams with kids and their parents, a testament to what this temple has become. 

Over dinner Al explained the words in the prayer book.  He pointed out that if a gay person leaves a heterosexual marriage and tries to get custody of his children, he may fail—simply because of his sexual orientation. Many states, he also explained, still don’t recognize gay marriages; a child conceived within a gay union may not be considered related to his non-biological parent. Legally, it’s as though one of his parents never existed. 

 I was aware of all these realities before---I have helped gay and lesbian couples create families through adoption and third-party reproduction—but tonight was the first time I felt them so deeply within my heart.

 I am a straight woman and when my husband and I divorced, the law supported our desire to have joint custody.  No one blinked--there wasn’t the smallest hint of worry that I or my husband would lose our children because we were dissolving our marriage. Our children could not be “excused” from either of our lives.

 My children never experienced a kind of family life where one parent was legally recognized and the other was not.  In all kinds of places and under all kinds of circumstances, my ex-husband and I have the right to make decisions regarding our children’s welfare. Not so in many LGBT families.  What does it do to a child to have one parent who is the “real” parent and the other who is not?  What does it do to a couple where one partner has legal authority and the other is powerless before the law?

 Today there are about a million LGBT parents raising two million children, often without the support of their faith communities, their families and the laws of their state. This is shameful.

 In spite of this, most of these families are thriving.  Perhaps the Beit Simchat Torah temple prayer book says it best:  “…we know that our relationships are holy and our families are real.”

 Carolyn N. Berger, LCSW, is Founding Board Chair of The American Fertility Association and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council.  She has a private practice specializing in Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption, with offices in NYC at NY Fertility Services, and in Westchester.