The AFA Blog

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

The Leap from Infertility to Adoption

 

by Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

During the week of National Infertility Awareness two friends have contacted me to talk about their long struggles with infertility.  The agonizing pain they continue to experience is both familiar and palpable.  They both have wonderful husbands who have supported them through their treatments and multiple losses.  They have gone through this process together each offering the other comfort and understanding.  One friend has decided to begin the process of adoption.  The other has come close to that point but is not quite there yet.  Every woman who has experienced infertility understands that before you can take the next step whatever that might be you have to feel you have tried everything you possibly can to get your body to achieve pregnancy hopefully giving birth to a healthy child.

            Most people try to have a child through infertility treatments before they consider adoption as a family building option.  Like infertility treatment, adoption takes time, money, and a lot of patience on the part of the perspective parents. You will face challenges along the way finding the right agency, the birthmother or birthparents who select you if you adopt domestically, doing the paperwork, interviews, and preparing the paperwork you need to begin your adoption process.  The good news is adoption is a family building alternative that usually ends with a child becoming a member of your family.  You will have the opportunity to parent by yourself or with your partner.  There is a degree of certainty about having a child in the end that is associated with adoption.

            It can be challenging switching your mind and your efforts from doing what you can to have a biological or genetic link with a child to exploring adopting a child.  The most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe you are capable of adopting a child? Think carefully about if you can truly love, bond with, and accept a child who shares no biologic or genetic link with you?  Take time considering why you want to adopt and what the adoption will mean to you. 

            You may find it useful to take some time to grieve the loss of having a child with these biologic or genetic links before you pursue the path of adoption.  Give yourself some time to nurture yourself, emotionally and physically recharge, and process the losses associated with your unsuccessful infertility treatment before your embark on this new path to building your family.  Being an adoptive parent is no less challenging or enriching for you and your adopted child.  It is something you can choose to do.  There are challenges associated with the process of adoption just as there are with infertility treatment.  The experiences that challenged you during infertility can offer you valuable insights and perspective that you can use to help you through your adoption process.  Parenting transforms us in ways we can’t even imagine.  Whether you become a parent through infertility or adoption the rewards can be great.

 Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

Inspired by Embryo Donors

 by Craig R. Sweet, M.D.

Pay It Forward Day is April 28, 2011. The concept is pretty simple. According to the Pay It Forward Day Website, “Pay it Forward Day is all about people, from all walks of life giving to someone else and making a positive difference.” Is there a better example of paying it forward than donating embryos?

 Deciding what to do with frozen embryos is a tremendously difficult decision. Certainly, using the embryos to expand one’s own family is ideal, but some patients need to look for other options. Our goal is to decrease the number of frozen embryos that are cryopreserved indefinitely, abandoned or discarded. Donating embryos to science or to patients in need are decisions that pay it forward. While human embryonic stem cell research holds promise, its potential outcome is uncertain and may not be known for many years. Therefore, donating embryos to patients in need may be the best immediate option. Embryo donation has the potential to build families that would otherwise not exist.

 Infertility patients, when they come to the conclusion that they will not be able to have children of their own with other types of treatment, are also faced with difficult options. Adoption may be cost prohibitive, so embryo donation may be the last, best choice for them. Not only are the embryo donors paying it forward, but so are the recipients. The embryo recipients are giving a lifelong commitment to the offspring of these donated embryos.

 The reproductive facilities that have dedicated their efforts to build families through embryo donation are also paying it forward. The time, effort and complexities regarding embryo donation are daunting and reproductive facilities can certainly spend their time more profitably on other options. The practices dedicated to embryo donation feel that embryos deserve a heightened level of respect and are committed to their patients by offering an option for family building that few are able to provide.

 In a world that is increasingly complex and overwhelmingly busy, it is wonderful to know that the basic human experience is still really about caring for each other. Pay it Forward Day is the antithesis of this endeavor and who cannot be inspired by our courageous embryo donors and our committed embryo recipients?

 Pay it forward yourself on April 28 and please encourage patients with cryopreserved embryos to consider doing the same. Families are just waiting to begin.

Dr. Craig Sweet is the medical director and founder of Embryo Donation International, a private non-faith based, non-discriminatory reproductive endocrinology and infertility practice located in Fort Myers, Florida.

In a small way, Embryo Donation International has decided to make a positive difference. For every set of embryos donated, they will pay it forward by donating to one of ten international, national and regional charities selected by the donor(s), including The American Fertility Association. For more information and a full list of the designated charities, please visit www.embryodonation.com/donating-to-charity.php

 

 

 

Please exercise

by Fred Licciardi, M.D.

Please exercise.

In the preceding centuries, tremendous physical activity was required for human survival, and yet, reproduction carried on. Imagine the exhaustion and stress if we had to spend one week hunting or farming with few tools or resources. Yet probably, under these conditions, most women would be able to get pregnant.

Excessive extreme exercise causing weight loss will cause ovulation to stop because the body figures that there are not enough nutrients stored for both the woman and a fetus. If she can just barely feed herself, she can’t feed the growing baby. The same is true for an anorectic. But here we are talking about extreme extreme. Moderate exercise is fine.

Surprising to me, I did come across a paper from Harvard showing that women who underwent moderate levels of exercise had lower pregnancy rates that those who did not. Like we always say, it’s just one paper. I do not really believe it. The Harvard doctors that I know do not restrict moderate exercise.

Exercise is bad if you are taking fertility drugs because the medications make the ovaries grow. Normally the ovaries are about the size of a walnut, and the drugs increase the number of follicles, therefore the ovarian size increases. Sometimes the ovaries can get to the size of plums or even oranges. They hang inside the pelvis. As they become heavier, they become more likely to twist, and this is called torsion. Here the twisting cuts off the blood supply and causes the ovary to choke. This really hurts, and is treated by laparoscopy. Exercise will increase the odds of this twisting. So in this case, exercise is not good.

Exercise increases blood flow to all areas of the body. The uterus and ovaries are organs that would love to get as much blood flow as they could.

Exercise clears your head. Yes, endorphins are released with strenuous activity, and these can help us fell better, but I think it’s more than that. My theory is that it’s not just about increasing the good chemicals; it’s about getting rid of the bad. Increased blood flow flushes away the old stale thought chemicals that are just hanging around causing trouble. Get rid of them.

Even better, do exercise that requires tremendous concentration. This really clears you head. Any sport will do: sailing, golf, soccer, basketball, biking, you name it. Some are more strenuous than others, but they all work. Same thing; flood your brain with fresh blood and new thoughts, lose the waste products.

Exercise builds muscle mass. This is also good. It just makes you feel better if you have a little tone. Even if you think you are fat, the tone goes a long way. It’s healthier to have some tone and muscle. It helps with balance and lowers you chances of getting injured during an accident (falling, for example).

And people with a little tone just age better.

Not to mention all of the obvious benefits of upping your cardio-vascular reserve.

I am not an expert in Yoga, although I have happily done it a few times. It's very good alternative.

So you don’t have time for exercise? Yes you do, make time. If you are tired, go to gym tired, it works just as well. You will sleep better.

If you do decide to take my advice (and the advice of others), go all out. A little exercise once a week is better than nothing, but more is better. You need at least 2 sessions per week of vigorous activity to really make a difference. Don’t start on any aggressive workout without checking with our doctor first, and consider a trainer at least initially.

A world on fire.

  by Corey Whelan

It feels like the whole world is on fire right now.  Civil unrest and natural disasters have been nudging the stressometer up notch by notch in our collective unconsciousness for awhile now, I think.  I remember reading newspaper articles years ago about the Cold War and how constant anxiety about the bomb was increasing the daily stress that Americans (and I'm sure Russians too) lived with, like a sort of  low level whirring sound in the brain that you forget is there, but that never really recedes.  

Headlines this weekend about that fool, that monster, that idiot in Florida and the violence that has ensued since he burned the Koran pumped up the jam just enough to flip me out completely.  It just feels like open season now, not just on Americans world wide, but on the whole species Human Being.  As it has always been, I guess.

I thought about all this while I was running this morning.  Three miles in and I started to think about stocking up on bottled water.  Five miles in and I started to think about the talk I need to have with my children about all this and how I don't want to.  Seven miles in and I remembered the reason why I started running in the first place.

Many of you who haven't known me for forever find it hard to believe that once upon a time I weighed around 50 pounds more than I do now.  Pregnancy with multiples, and a marriage that was shredding itself to bits turned into a lust for bagels, maple syrup and low fat dulce la leche frozen yogurt that I deluded myself into thinking was ok for me to eat on a daily basis.  And then 9/11 happened.

My babies were small then.  I remember thinking, if I have to run out of a burning building with one kid under each arm, would I be able to do it?

And the answer was no.  I was too overweight and out of shape to run and get my babies and myself to safety if I ever needed to.

So I went for a walk.  A very long walk.  And a few days later I went for a run.  A very short run.  And I threw out the bagels and all the high carb crap I had let my PCOS insulin resistant body get addicted to and I slowly became my old, healthy-weight self again.  Strong, thin, and robust.  My own personal best for my own physical self.

People, look.  I don't know what's coming next, none of us do.  But I do know that no matter what comes, and also no matter what doesn't come, the species human being, all of us, deserve the right to be our own personal best.  For me it's being a runner who weighs 115 lbs.  For you it may mean being a walker or a tennis player who weighs 135 lbs.  But whatever your own personal health best is, I urge you to acheive it.  It is better for your fertility.  It will be better for your pregnancy and your baby, God willing.  It will be better for you no matter what life brings.  Really.  

Think about maybe joining in and doing what The AFA staff will be doing for NIAW.  Think about doing a Fertility Bootcamp, if that feels like a fit for you.  Think about doing something.  And then just do it.  

I don't know what's coming next.     

The AFA Launches Zumba® for Fertility for NIAW®

The American Fertility Association (The AFA), a national non-profit family building organization, is excited to announce its 1st annual Zumbathon® for Fertility, to take place during National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW).   The first event will be on Wednesday, April 27th at William Alexander Middle School (M.S. 51) 350 Fifth Avenue Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY at 7:30 p.m.

The AFA is committed to supporting men and women to be their healthiest, not only when they are trying to conceive, but for their entire lives.  More importantly, The AFA wants all women to get pregnant safely, and to give birth to healthy babies.  It was through this heartfelt ideology, shared by the entire AFA staff and board of directors, that Zumba® for Fertility was born.

Multiple studies show that fertility potential can be enhanced through healthy lifestyle choices, such as eating right and exercising regularly. Exercise has also been proven to support stress reduction, a common side effect of infertility treatment.  Additionally, highbody mass index (BMI) has been definitively correlated with increased risk of complications during pregnancy, and even fetal death.    

The AFA's staff is comprised of five members, residing in four states.  The organization represents different regions of the United States, yet share a common health conscious ideology that transcends borders.   Zumba® for Fertility was born out of our passion for the staff’s personal health, and because they’re passionate about bringing healthy messages to all individuals who are currently trying to create their own families. 

Zumba® for Fertility will take place in the hometowns of the staff’s residence; Brooklyn, NY, New London, NH, Charlotte, NC, and Phoenix, AZ.  Tickets are $20 and tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. 

Health conscious reproductive endocrinologist, Richard Grazi, M.D.  of Genesis Fertility and Reproductive Medicine in Brooklyn has enthusiastically signed on as the first sponsor.

Long time AFA staff members and Brooklyn residents Corey Whelan and Melinda Micciola are excited for the first event in their hometown.  Whelan says, “Women who are trying to conceive often disassociate from their bodies during the seemingly unending process of infertility treatments.  Zumba®, as well as other forms of exercise, can help women to not only reconnect with their physical selves but to also have fun in the process.  And fun, for men and women going through this predicament, is a goal unto itself.”

“We commend RESOLVE for drawing attention to the challenges of those facing infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week®,” states Ken Mosesian, Executive Director of The AFA. “The AFA continuously works to normalize the conversation about infertility in the mainstream, and is confident that our Zumba® events will further that goal.”

 

About The AFA

The American Fertility Association, a 501 (c) (3) national non-profit organization, is a resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family building. The AFA's services are provided to consumers and are available to everyone. These include an extensive online library, daily fertility news, a toll-free support line, and education outreach events.

Photo:  123RF

 

Our Kids Aren’t Perfect…Nor Are Their Parents

By Dawn Smith-Pliner

While my friends were reading the newspapers and glowing as they saw their children’s names listed on the school honor rolls, I was hoping that my daughter’s name wasn’t listed in the police blotter.  Truth be told, it was.
 
While my friends’ kids were worrying about what to wear to the school dances, my daughter was drinking and smoking at the “Notch.”

While my friends’ kids were filling out college applications, I was crossing my fingers, hoping my son would make it through high school.

And while my sister’s children have graduated from college, married and have children I am just hoping that my kids are healthy and happy.  And if they are, then life is darn good.  If they are not, I just want to know what I can do to help them out.

The early years were easy, well maybe not easy, but relatively sane.  Most days we were like any other family with children…the first tooth, the first step, the first day of school, the dance classes, the baseball games, the snowboarding lessons, and the holiday get togethers with the grandparents and cousins.  The years flew by and I had two teenagers on my hands—and they became strangers to me.  I challenged every word my parents said when I was a teen so I thought that I was well prepared for what lay ahead.  I was not!

The first speeding ticket did not faze me…I had been there and done that and survived.  The first time busted for drinking beer…no big deal…been there, done that and survived. The first time caught smoking pot…that was familiar, been there, done that and survived.

The first DUI and call from the police station…not so familiar.  I survived but I was scared.

The second call in the middle of the night saying curfew was broken because the car was at the bottom of a pond…. panic and not at all familiar.  Frightened to death!
A drug induced, hysterical, out of control child in the living room….I grabbed her, held on to her as tightly as I could and repeated “I love you and won’t let you go” until the room became silent…I was completely lost and totally unprepared.

A sound no parent should ever have to hear while vacationing in Provincetown with my kids…my son saying with such pain that it hurt to hear him talk, “I just want to know that she is okay and loves me.”… I felt helpless knowing that I would never know my son’s birthfamily and knowing nothing I could say would ease his pain.

No child is perfect but are adopted children less perfect… and what about their parents?
What impacts a life more – genetics or environment?
What part does the adoption piece play in the outcome of our lives, whether as adoptive parents, as birth parents or as an adopted person?

There have been many studies completed addressing these questions.  I can only speak or write from my heart and my observations.  All children want to be loved – most children are loved from the minute they are conceived and that love continues throughout their life and beyond.  But children who are placed for adoption, while most often loved by their family of birth, are disconnected when they are placed with an adoptive family – no matter how lovingly planned for.  I believe that some children feel this disconnect deeply and grapple with it all of their lives.  For others it seems it is just another day in the timeline of their life.

For families whose children seemingly sail through life on calm lakes, I am happy for you—stand proud and count your blessings.

For families whose children seem to have been born to sail the rough seas, never having seemed to have healed from the disconnect of their birth, I am with you.  Know that you are not alone.  We too have a lot to be proud of even if our kids don’t always follow the straight course, instead choosing to take many detours often resulting in trauma for them and their families.  They are our kids, with good hearts, strong character and we love them fiercely.  I can remember my parents saying to me, and then Joel and I saying to our kids – it is the days that you make poor decisions and the days that you test the limits of our patience that we have to love you the most! 

I believe that dysfunction creates adoption.  I believe that is it our responsibility as adoptive parents to integrate our children’s birth histories – medical and social – into the lives of our children.  If heart disease runs in the birth history then it is best for your child and his/her doctor to be aware of this. If addiction runs in your child’s birth history then it is important to appropriately make your child aware of this.  Maybe your child’s best friend can go to the back field and drink a six pack of beer and realize that all that results is a bad hangover, but for your child the six pack might lead to another six pack and another and, possibly, over time an addiction.

On a lighter note, my daughter’s birthmother was belly dancing when she went into labor so when my daughter would dance her way through the grocery store I would tell her that she got her beautiful dancing ability from her birthmother. Our children have two families – it is our responsibility to make sure that they reap all of the benefits from both!

And as to being perfect parents…stop worrying…they don’t exist.  But what does exist is our commitment to do our best to raise our children.  Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we have regrets, but at all times our love is steadfast.  And when things get tough we need not be afraid or embarrassed to seek out help.  And when the seas are calm we need to replenish ourselves and be thankful that we are together.

Perfect parents…perfect kids….no.  Resilient parents…resilient kids…we can only hope that we all find our way through the ups and downs of our life journeys.

“Food for Thought” Reading: 

The World of the Adopted Child by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD.

Finding Help for Struggling Teens: A Guide for Parents and the Professionals Who Work With Them, by Frederic G. Reamer and Deborah H. Siegel

Dawn Smith-Pliner is the adoptive mother of Aura and Isaac and the Founder and Director of Post Adoption Services of Friends in Adoption in Middletown

Introducing Mombian

by Dana Rudolph

I'm very pleased to be joining the many voices here on the AFA Blog. I've been a parent for nearly eight years now, and have been writing about being a lesbian mom for almost six of those, ever since I launched my blog, Mombian, in 2005. My Mombian newspaper column followed in 2007.

 My writing is motivated by my own experience, but tends not to be a diary-type chronicle of my rather boring home life--no one really wants to hear how I do my laundry or play Wii with my son. Instead, my writing covers a blend of parenting, politics, and diversions for LGBT families and those hoping to start one. I offer parenting tips, book reviews, suggested family activities, and political commentary, all viewed through the lens of an LGBT parent.

 Since this is my first post here, however, I'm going to break with routine in order to share a little of my background as a parent, and explain why I have a soft spot for organizations such as the AFA.

 My spouse Helen and I had our child through in vitro fertilization by using my egg, her uterus, and anonymous donor sperm. Although most lesbian couples don't do the egg donation from one partner to another, it felt like the right way for us. Since I was a few years younger, and Helen was willing to carry, we used my eggs.

 We went to a fertility clinic in New Jersey, where we lived then, and which assured us they had worked with same-sex couples before. In fact, they coincidentally started a support group for lesbian couples shortly after we began our treatments. It took us two cycles, two grocery bags' worth of fertility drugs, and several months of injections for each of us. Definitely one of those relationship-building experiences. (Double the hormones, double the fun!)

 At the time, however, based on New Jersey law, I would have had no parental rights when the child was born—except that we successfully petitioned the state to grant them to me through a pre-birth order of parentage. I was thus a legal parent from the moment of our son’s birth. This had a practical side—there was no lag time between birth and adoption, so if I was hit by a truck, he was guaranteed my Social Security benefits. It also had an emotional one—I would have been surly about needing to go through the process of home studies and such in order to adopt my own genetic son.

 Some states, particularly those that now recognize marriages, civil unions, or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples, will also now put both partners’ names on a birth certificate from the start, without needing an adoption or court order—but most LGBT legal organizations suggest getting one of them anyway, for better federal protection and when traveling outside those states. Each state is different, though, and laws can change, so always check with an attorney if you're a same-sex couple planning to have a child. (Note also that some employers will cover adoption expenses, but not expenses for parentage orders.)

 In the end, however, how we had our child was less important than how we're raising him. So far, so good, as far as I can tell--although we have yet to hit the teen years. He's now in second grade, loves Legos and Star Wars, and is the joy of our lives.

 Our everyday life is just that--everyday and not so different from that of our neighbors here outside of Boston where we now live. At the same time, we struggle to find representations of same-sex headed families in the media, face a number of financial inequities because our relationship is not recognized in many places, and never travel out of state without copies of our son's birth certificate and parentage order, lest anyone question we're both his parents.

 In my biweekly posts here, as in my daily ones at Mombian, I'll be sharing resources and tips for LGBT families, along with commentary on politics and media as they affect our lives. I hope some of you, LGBT and not, will share your own thoughts in the comments. All of us on this journey to and through parenthood are more alike than not--but by reflecting on both our similarities and differences, we come to better understand each other and ourselves. In the end, it is our children who benefit.

Music from the adopted heart

by Corey Whelan

We as human beings, universally, seem to share so many commonalities.  We all bleed, both literally and figuratively.  We all need to feel a solidarity of some kind in order to get through our lives.  For many, it is country.  For others, love.  But for most, it is not only love, but also love of family.  And if the number of ipods that accompany people to work are any indication, we also all seem to be  moved, viscerally, by music. We experience music more than we hear it; we all share that need, to feel and to take in the stories told through song.  Music searches us out and touches us in a way that we all seem to long for. And so, we are also touched by the story tellers who are willing to bleed for us through song, who share their lives with us, because their words so often give voice to what is in our own lives or our own hearts.

Today was an unusual day.  I don't always get to have breakfast with a famous rapper, or to hear him sing.  In this case, the very handsome (and muscular) Run DMC (aka Daryl McDaniels), shared his voice and his story of being an adult adoptee with a number of us at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Along with the British singer Zara Phillips, also an adult adoptee, the two of them spun a powerful tale.  Daryl said he always knew something was wrong.  And at 35 years of age he was contemplating suicide when his adopted parents finally told him the truth.

Daryl's and Zara's were not the only voices.  Not everyone can educate through song!   Others educate through spoken passion.  There were so many of that ilk today.  But first among them was Adam Pertman.

Adam was today's host.  To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I walked in the room.  I wound up hearing countless stories, and testimony about the need for adult adoptees to have the right to their original birth certificates.  Today was a call to arms about this issue.  Although this right is being contested by a number of groups, legislation allowing adult adoptees to access their OBC's is being passed through hard won legislation in a number of states.  And that is the fight that today was about.  Getting the word out.  Letting people know. Two and 1/2 years in the making, this event was led by Adam and the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.  EBD is committed to research, data, and proof, things which are close to my writer's heart.  According to EBD, the arguments being utilized to support the continued consealment of adoptee's original identities are flawed.  Birth certificates were never sealed to protect birthparents, anonymity could never be guaranteed and birthparents overwhelmingly support contact.  In addition, access to original birth certificates does not decrease adoption rates or spike abortion rates.  Adam can tell this story better than I, you can read him here, and you should.   Adam is a smart man.  He may not be a rap star but he is a solid thinker and a coalition builder. 

Many of his universal team, as well as many dissenting voices, were in residence at the Hard Rock this a.m. to sound the charge, or to silence it, for opening up original birth certificates for all adoptees nationwide.  Year by year, state by state, inch by inch, passionate people reported on their progress or lack of it.  Working to pass imperfect bills in order to begin this process of creating wholeness.

I was moved beyond words.   I have said many times about so many things, that the one thing we as human beings deserve above all else, is our own personal truth.  What I learned today is that we as human beings not only deserve, but require, that same thing.  I don't think I knew that before, at least not the way I know it now.

I have always known however that music can teach.  And yes, the willingness of individuals to bring their pain, their lives, their experiences to the fore can also teach.  Via film today I saw individuals ripping open their unsealed birth certificates to view them for the first time. You know, I never realized before that most babies surrendered for adoption are named by their birth parents.  Can you imagine seeing your original name, on paper, for the first time? What that would feel like?

Ok.  Here comes the hard part.  Those of you who have read my words over the years may remember a quandary I have mentioned before.  I have a cousin who I know is adopted.  I have kept this secret, given to me by her mother and my own, for my whole life long.  My cousin has never spoken of it to me and I don't know if she knows this secret that I know, that I have held.  Yes, in earlier writings I said my cousin was a he.   She is not.  My quandary?  Her parents, my parents, that whole generalion of secret keepers, have all passed.  The only person left to ask if she knows, is herself.  I don't know if she knows and I have battled with talking to her about it forever.  What right do I have to talk to her about it?  What right do I have to not talk to her about it?

My dear girl, I know you read my blog.  If you have ever had a thought, a doubt, a feeling, that something was wrong.  If you want to talk about it, call me.  I am here for you, I love you, I am your family.  I love you.

 

A London Fertility Charity, Chana, Provides a Lifeline to the Orthodox Jewish Community

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's London Correspondent

I recently attended the 1^st International Medical Conference in London, hosted by Chana, a not-for-profit organization serving the Jewish community.  In this ground-breaking event, Chana brought together specialists in fertility medicine, Rabbis from the UK and Europe, local GPs, midwives and counsellors, Kallah teachers (Jewish pre-marital instruction) and members of the community.

I attended the conference, titled "Facing the Fertility Challenge Together," to learn about the part that Jewish (Halachic) law and culture play in a couple's decision-making process about fertility treatment.  While Jews represent only about 2% of the population in London, and only .5 % of the total UK population, the greatest concentration of Jewish people are in the areas of Hertsmere and Barnet in North London, comprising 11% and 14% of those communities, respectively.  The majority belong to one of the Orthodox Jewish sects, ranging from the Modern Orthodox to the Ultra-Orthodox.  I think it’s fair to say that within those communities, both religious and cultural traditions govern the way that individuals conduct their personal lives.  Their Judaism is inseparable from the rest of their personal identity.  The Orthodox community favours early marriage, some still arranged by parents to ensure appropriate matches, and large families.  On the one hand, I wondered how individuals within that community cope when faced with infertility and pregnancy loss.  On the other hand, I wondered how religious leaders within the Orthodox community respond to some of the ethical dilemmas posed by ever-changing technology in fertility medicine.

Chana sprung from the need for mutual support of a few infertile, Orthodox Jewish women fifteen years ago.  It has developed into a large, charitable organization dedicated to informing and supporting infertile people across the entire Jewish community.  According to Carolyn Cohen, Principal Social Worker at Chana, they hold many fertility-related, educational programmes in the London area and have provided support through its Helpline to callers from as far away as South Africa.  Callers are not asked any questions about their religious affiliation or beliefs.  However, it must be emphasized that Chana takes a sensitive and respectful stance on the place that rabbinical guidance plays in family matters within the Orthodox community.  In the Conference guide, it is noted that “Rabbonim (Rabbis) advise members of the public to seek professional Rabbinical guidance before embarking on fertility treatment.”  

As you may expect, in practice, even among Orthodox Jewish fertility patients, some will involve their rabbis in the enquiry, discussion and decision-making process, and many others will not; afraid perhaps of what their judgment will be.  One might suspect that Orthodox Rabbis are restrictive, operating under very old-fashioned values and uninformed about matters of fertility, medically-assisted conception, the use of third party donors and new technologies.  I discovered that, far from shying away from the very progressive area of reproductive medicine, the Orthodox community is using its strong links within the medical field to educate itself about the causes of infertility and miscarriage, the emotional impact they cause upon the couple involved, the availability of treatment and its accessibility. There were 90 Orthodox Rabbis present among the 400 people attending the Conference.  Dr Simon Fishel, Managing Director of Care Fertility Group and a member of Chana’s Medical Advisory Panel, told me that Orthodox fertility patients sometimes bring their Rabbi with them to consultations in an effort to reconcile their family-building goal, their diagnosis and the medical treatment available with their religious beliefs.  According to both Dr Fishel and Carolyn Cohen, there is no one rule which governs a Rabbi’s judgment about any aspect of fertility treatment; they take each couple’s situation on a case-by-case basis. The overriding intention is to help the couple achieve parenthood if at all possible.

As in other cultures that promote large families, there is enormous pressure on Orthodox Jewish couples to conceive early and often.  An infertile couple in that situation may feel particularly embarrassed, ashamed, judged, isolated and/or excluded.  Added to that, the extreme privacy with which matters of intimacy are regarded, it can be difficult for them to seek advice and support.  Chana successfully negotiated the interests and needs of the various members of the community by providing separate, single-sex meetings for men and women, and entirely separate seminars for
Rabbis, Groom and Bride Teachers attending.  This enabled members of the packed seminars to listen to matters of marital intimacy, such as the consummation of marriage, and ask questions after each presentation without the potential embarrassment of a mixed audience.   

Some of the lectures were all about the current status in a given area of fertility medicine, such as the one on recurrent miscarriage by Prof Lesley Regan, of St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington (London).  Prof Regan carefully explained the research in which her team is involved, why miscarriage occurs and the restrictions upon investigation and treatment under the National Health System. None of the facts or figures was specific to the Jewish community.  What made this lecture and the others unique was the context in which they were made.  Care was taken by speakers to respect the particular sensitivities of the largely Orthodox Jewish, female audience, how they communicate and the level of privacy they cherish. Their cultural norms also present characteristics that form a part of the patient's history to be taken by a fertility specialist. For example:

1.       Sexual history - Patients may be very reticent about matters of sexual function and intimacy, which are generally not discussed in mixed company.  Without a full and frank discussion of their sexual relationship, her menstrual cycle and fertility health issues such as sperm production, it could be very easy to mistake very early miscarriages for a failure to conceive or vice-versa, complicating potential treatment. Understanding of the sensitivities involved, as well as religious proscriptions against consummation of the sexual relationship prior to marriage, would be essential for a good doctor-patient relationship;

2.       Genetic History - there are certain genetic mutations which affect Jewish people, which would be exacerbated by inter-marriage within the relatively small Orthodox community. One in 27 Ashkenazi Jews are carriers of the gene mutation that causes Tay - Sachs disease, while only 1 in 250 Sephardi Jews are carriers. Therefore, genetic testing may be an earlier focal point in couples who are both Ashkenazi Jews. Additionally, the usage and source of donor eggs and sperm is of particular interest, so that any potential incestuous relationships among  future generations are absolutely avoided;

3.       Emotional aspects of the patient's infertility -  Because having children is such an integral part of an Orthodox Jewish's woman's life purpose and her marriage, those who fail to conceive could feel particularly pressured, leading to feelings of anxiety, failure and low self-worth.

Chana does not limit its support to the Orthodox community; however that is largely where its users are from. Perhaps it is because Jews from other sects do not feel as strong a connection between their Judaism and the medical decisions they need to make.  However observant they may be, it may simply never occur to members of the Reform or Liberal Jewish movements to consult their Rabbi about an inability to conceive, a need for assisted conception or a decision to stop trying when IVF fails.  It is likely that they believe their needs for emotional support are adequately met by other people who are trained in talking therapies and/or infertility. While I didn’t glean any definitive information about how fertility treatment is viewed in relation to Halachic Law, I did come away with the feeling that Rabbis seek, where possible, to permit medical assistance for infertility rather than preclude a couple from having a family of their own. 

If there was one element missing from the conference, it was the absence of any personal examples of how infertility affected members of the community and how they have resolved or might be able to resolve them. I didn’t hear anyone speak publicly of their personal experience with infertility, or with their need for medical assistance and emotional support.  Questions for the speakers were carefully phrased very generally or technically, changing the nature of the intended “workshops” to more of a lecture or presentation.  It was not until I had a chance to read the very personal, albeit anonymous, stories, poetry and letters in the remarkable Chana Magazine, that I understood the unique social repercussions of infertility in the Orthodox Jewish community and how Chana’s services are a lifeline for those affected. The message was clear: no one in the community needs to bear the pain of infertility or pregnancy loss on their own. Isolation is unhelpful; reaching out is worthwhile; help is available.