The AFA Blog

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

Surviving Mother’s and Father’s Day

by Judith Kottick, LCSW

 Mother’s and Father’s Day may be holidays invented by the Hallmark Card Company, but it doesn’t mean this commemoration of parenthood doesn’t still have meaning.  For many of us, the attitudes we hold toward any holiday stem from childhood memories of the rituals and sentiments about the day that our parents have created or passed down from their own families.  At the same time, current life circumstances add a layer of feeling about the holiday that may dictate whether you are dreading or looking forward to the day’s observation.  So if your recollection of Mother’s Day is a warm family gathering with cousins, good food and laughter, it may be a holiday you would enjoy under other circumstances, but not while going through infertility and longing for parenthood.  If, on the other hand, you remember Father’s Day as a period of tension between parents, step-parents or relatives that left you feeling forgotten or fought over, this may be a day you dreamed could be different with your own child, but is just as well skipped over this year, while going through infertility.

 Many individuals and couples going through fertility treatment express a sense of dread leading into events that revolve around children or parenthood.  Certainly Mother’s and Father’s Day fall into that category.  It seems to be true that Mother’s and Father’s Day are about your own parents when you are growing up, but once you’re an adult and ready for a child, you’re meant to take center stage on this day.  And when parenthood is elusive, forget it!  The day is painful and an acute reminder of what is supposed to be.  Restaurants, places of worship, department stores, garden centers, newspapers and chocolate stores are all in on the celebration.  So what’s a wishing-to-be-a-parent to do?

 Take care of yourself.  There are many times when it makes sense to focus on the people in your life who you want to nurture and care for, but sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission to put yourself first.  When you’re going through infertility, this is one of those times.  Consider skipping the Mother’s/Father’s Day festivities this year, or make a brief appearance.  Give an excuse or explain to your family that you would appreciate their understanding that you need to skip the holiday this year. 

 Check in with your partner.  If you are trying to conceive within the context of a marriage or relationship, you can’t necessarily assume your partner shares your views on the upcoming Mother’s or Father’s Day.  While some people are able to compartmentalize the fertility struggle with little effect on their day-to-day lives, others find it consumes their every thought and decision, alienating them from the community and activities that were once so meaningful.  Consequently some couples find they disagree on the importance of attending family functions, adding tension to their relationship at a time when they need each other for understanding and support.  In this situation it is important to resist the urge to engage in a battle over the “right” or “wrong” approach, with each of you trying to force your beliefs and will over the other.  Instead, commit to listening and acknowledging each other’s views, and brainstorm together on the best solution for both of you.  Remember, it may take some ingenuity and patience to balance the needs of each partner, as well as the families of both.

  Plan ahead.  If you think you’ll want a reprieve from the holiday plans with your family, let them know ahead of time so they can adjust their expectations and you don’t spend weeks anticipating the confrontation.  Even if they react with anger or disappointment, you can still maintain your ground knowing you will have saved yourself unnecessary stress on the day in question.  There will be plenty of time to make it up to your family in the future.

 Create your own occasion.  Mark the day with your spouse or close friends doing non-child oriented activities.  Walk in the woods, create an intimate day with your partner, go for a bike ride, take a weekend away at a spa or lock the doors and watch movies and order Chinese food.  Try something new or settle on an activity that has been gratifying in the past.  Whatever you choose, take comfort in knowing you may not be in control of your family building schedule, but you can still take charge of other parts of your life.

 Reacquaint yourself with… yourself.  When family building plans are delayed or derailed, it is often the case that life centers around medical treatment and baby making, while losing the parts of your identity that previously made you proud.  Why not take Mother’s or Father’s Day as an opportunity to remember your accomplishments and the people in your life who have been a help to you during this difficult time.  You haven’t lost your talents and abilities just because you’re struggling to have a baby, nor are you any less important to the people who love you.  Take time to salute the functioning parts of your life and relationships.

 Grieve.  Lastly, there’s no shame in feeling sad.   Sharon N. Covington and Linda Hammer Burns, in Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians, remind us that “Infertility involves grief and loss whether it is a profound distinct loss at the onset of treatment or a gradual accumulation of losses over time.”  Sometimes the best approach to this challenging time is to spend a day in mourning.  Giving yourself the space to recognize these difficult feelings will ultimately give way to the resolve and energy necessary to continue your quest for parenthood. 

 However you spend Mother’s or Father’s day, take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  You may feel invisible on this holiday but there are estimates that one out of ten couples trying to conceive in the U.S. are having the same experience.  Remember, with a little planning, communicating and self-care, you can survive the day and look forward to what lies ahead.

 Judith Kottick LCSW is a therapist practicing in the field of reproductive counselling and a member of The AFA Mental Health Advisory Council

The Leap from Infertility to Adoption

 

by Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

During the week of National Infertility Awareness two friends have contacted me to talk about their long struggles with infertility.  The agonizing pain they continue to experience is both familiar and palpable.  They both have wonderful husbands who have supported them through their treatments and multiple losses.  They have gone through this process together each offering the other comfort and understanding.  One friend has decided to begin the process of adoption.  The other has come close to that point but is not quite there yet.  Every woman who has experienced infertility understands that before you can take the next step whatever that might be you have to feel you have tried everything you possibly can to get your body to achieve pregnancy hopefully giving birth to a healthy child.

            Most people try to have a child through infertility treatments before they consider adoption as a family building option.  Like infertility treatment, adoption takes time, money, and a lot of patience on the part of the perspective parents. You will face challenges along the way finding the right agency, the birthmother or birthparents who select you if you adopt domestically, doing the paperwork, interviews, and preparing the paperwork you need to begin your adoption process.  The good news is adoption is a family building alternative that usually ends with a child becoming a member of your family.  You will have the opportunity to parent by yourself or with your partner.  There is a degree of certainty about having a child in the end that is associated with adoption.

            It can be challenging switching your mind and your efforts from doing what you can to have a biological or genetic link with a child to exploring adopting a child.  The most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe you are capable of adopting a child? Think carefully about if you can truly love, bond with, and accept a child who shares no biologic or genetic link with you?  Take time considering why you want to adopt and what the adoption will mean to you. 

            You may find it useful to take some time to grieve the loss of having a child with these biologic or genetic links before you pursue the path of adoption.  Give yourself some time to nurture yourself, emotionally and physically recharge, and process the losses associated with your unsuccessful infertility treatment before your embark on this new path to building your family.  Being an adoptive parent is no less challenging or enriching for you and your adopted child.  It is something you can choose to do.  There are challenges associated with the process of adoption just as there are with infertility treatment.  The experiences that challenged you during infertility can offer you valuable insights and perspective that you can use to help you through your adoption process.  Parenting transforms us in ways we can’t even imagine.  Whether you become a parent through infertility or adoption the rewards can be great.

 Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

Surviving the Guilt of Infertility

By Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

             In a blog I recently read the author described her “survivor’s guilt”.  She  experienced two pregnancy losses and has been trying to conceive since 2006.  Her blog described her multiple attempts at intrauterine inseminations and IVF transfers without any success.  She candidly described the darkness and emotional and physical pain related to these multiple losses.  I wondered what she meant by guilt?

            She went on to explain that a life changing seminar she attended had made her recognize that it was up to her to release the emotions and sadness linked with these multiple losses.  She discovered that the sadness and guilt she had placed on herself for failing to have a healthy child had emotionally and physically caused her to be immobile.

She believes that women have a choice about how to deal with the painful episodes caused by the inability to conceive a child and become a parent.  She chooses to believe that she will become pregnant again at some point in the future.  The author thinks she lost some readers because she chose not to continue to describe the darkness she felt and is focusing on feeling positive and better.

            I was struck by an observation she made that I believe is true.  She described the gap that occurs between someone who is trying to conceive, becomes pregnant, or decides to adopt, and those that are still trying to conceive.  Her theory is that once you become pregnant there is a sense of guilt about those who are not pregnant but were there for you when you were trying to conceive.  She believes a successful pregnancy can make you feel as though you have left them behind and nobody speaks about it or understands what to say or do.  

            I led a parenting after infertility group for several years and guilt was a recurring theme.  My group participants also expressed fears that something would go wrong with their pregnancy because of past failures.  They described feeling guilty for being pregnant and having friends still struggling to get pregnant.

            This dilemma is something many have experienced.  It is a delicate balancing act allowing yourself to be happy about your own pregnancy and being sensitive to others who are still trying to get to where you are.   Anyone who has been infertile can describe the savage emotional and physical impact it has on their lives.  You become a member of a club nobody wants to belong to.  Yet, this club’s members offer each other unconditional ongoing support and understanding.  Suddenly you are not a member of that club. If you are among the lucky who eventually have a healthy child those memories are not erased.  I believe room can be made to experience the joy of conquering infertility and simultaneously sharing feelings of encouragement and compassion with those you know who are still trying.  If you have a close relationship with another person who is infertile and you feel comfortable enough to discuss this issue it can ultimately strengthen you relationship.  You both have to be willing to take that chance and express what you need from each other.  In the end this experience may be a source of comfort to all the participants.

Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

Our Kids Aren’t Perfect…Nor Are Their Parents

By Dawn Smith-Pliner

While my friends were reading the newspapers and glowing as they saw their children’s names listed on the school honor rolls, I was hoping that my daughter’s name wasn’t listed in the police blotter.  Truth be told, it was.
 
While my friends’ kids were worrying about what to wear to the school dances, my daughter was drinking and smoking at the “Notch.”

While my friends’ kids were filling out college applications, I was crossing my fingers, hoping my son would make it through high school.

And while my sister’s children have graduated from college, married and have children I am just hoping that my kids are healthy and happy.  And if they are, then life is darn good.  If they are not, I just want to know what I can do to help them out.

The early years were easy, well maybe not easy, but relatively sane.  Most days we were like any other family with children…the first tooth, the first step, the first day of school, the dance classes, the baseball games, the snowboarding lessons, and the holiday get togethers with the grandparents and cousins.  The years flew by and I had two teenagers on my hands—and they became strangers to me.  I challenged every word my parents said when I was a teen so I thought that I was well prepared for what lay ahead.  I was not!

The first speeding ticket did not faze me…I had been there and done that and survived.  The first time busted for drinking beer…no big deal…been there, done that and survived. The first time caught smoking pot…that was familiar, been there, done that and survived.

The first DUI and call from the police station…not so familiar.  I survived but I was scared.

The second call in the middle of the night saying curfew was broken because the car was at the bottom of a pond…. panic and not at all familiar.  Frightened to death!
A drug induced, hysterical, out of control child in the living room….I grabbed her, held on to her as tightly as I could and repeated “I love you and won’t let you go” until the room became silent…I was completely lost and totally unprepared.

A sound no parent should ever have to hear while vacationing in Provincetown with my kids…my son saying with such pain that it hurt to hear him talk, “I just want to know that she is okay and loves me.”… I felt helpless knowing that I would never know my son’s birthfamily and knowing nothing I could say would ease his pain.

No child is perfect but are adopted children less perfect… and what about their parents?
What impacts a life more – genetics or environment?
What part does the adoption piece play in the outcome of our lives, whether as adoptive parents, as birth parents or as an adopted person?

There have been many studies completed addressing these questions.  I can only speak or write from my heart and my observations.  All children want to be loved – most children are loved from the minute they are conceived and that love continues throughout their life and beyond.  But children who are placed for adoption, while most often loved by their family of birth, are disconnected when they are placed with an adoptive family – no matter how lovingly planned for.  I believe that some children feel this disconnect deeply and grapple with it all of their lives.  For others it seems it is just another day in the timeline of their life.

For families whose children seemingly sail through life on calm lakes, I am happy for you—stand proud and count your blessings.

For families whose children seem to have been born to sail the rough seas, never having seemed to have healed from the disconnect of their birth, I am with you.  Know that you are not alone.  We too have a lot to be proud of even if our kids don’t always follow the straight course, instead choosing to take many detours often resulting in trauma for them and their families.  They are our kids, with good hearts, strong character and we love them fiercely.  I can remember my parents saying to me, and then Joel and I saying to our kids – it is the days that you make poor decisions and the days that you test the limits of our patience that we have to love you the most! 

I believe that dysfunction creates adoption.  I believe that is it our responsibility as adoptive parents to integrate our children’s birth histories – medical and social – into the lives of our children.  If heart disease runs in the birth history then it is best for your child and his/her doctor to be aware of this. If addiction runs in your child’s birth history then it is important to appropriately make your child aware of this.  Maybe your child’s best friend can go to the back field and drink a six pack of beer and realize that all that results is a bad hangover, but for your child the six pack might lead to another six pack and another and, possibly, over time an addiction.

On a lighter note, my daughter’s birthmother was belly dancing when she went into labor so when my daughter would dance her way through the grocery store I would tell her that she got her beautiful dancing ability from her birthmother. Our children have two families – it is our responsibility to make sure that they reap all of the benefits from both!

And as to being perfect parents…stop worrying…they don’t exist.  But what does exist is our commitment to do our best to raise our children.  Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we have regrets, but at all times our love is steadfast.  And when things get tough we need not be afraid or embarrassed to seek out help.  And when the seas are calm we need to replenish ourselves and be thankful that we are together.

Perfect parents…perfect kids….no.  Resilient parents…resilient kids…we can only hope that we all find our way through the ups and downs of our life journeys.

“Food for Thought” Reading: 

The World of the Adopted Child by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD.

Finding Help for Struggling Teens: A Guide for Parents and the Professionals Who Work With Them, by Frederic G. Reamer and Deborah H. Siegel

Dawn Smith-Pliner is the adoptive mother of Aura and Isaac and the Founder and Director of Post Adoption Services of Friends in Adoption in Middletown

What Matters Most

By Shari DeGraff Stewart

As a therapist, I sit with a young woman who struggles to find words to express her anguish and disbelief, "Is this it?  Is this my life?"  Some people would look at her, a beautiful woman, and think she has everything:  financial security and social respect from an education and established career, a caring family and amazing husband, even the American dream of a lovely home and car.  But she wonders, "Is this all there is?  I've worked hard so we could create a home, not just for us, but for our baby.  All my dreams of growing old together include our children and grandchildren."

The deep grief of infertility is the realization that what matters most, to many of us, is a life and a world we share with our children.  The material things we thought mattered become a painful mockery—"What use is this house if its not filled with the sound of children laughing?  Why am I working so hard for one promotion after another?  I don't want my legacy to be this business.  I want it to be my son or daughter."  Even the image of a catastrophe clarifies our priorities—If there were a ______________(fire, flood, earthquake) the first thing we think about is, "Are the children safe?"  Because, that is what matters most to us.

To dismiss the grief and fear of infertility as an "obsession" is to miss this basic truth.  What we value most in life, from the intangibles of meaning, love, faith, and truth to the physical needs of comfort, touch, and nurture are for most of us, intertwined in the image of and need for our children.  It is my life's work and the work of The Stewart Institute Foundation to meet the emotional needs of women and couples facing what may be the most-difficult grief of their life—the fear of losing their children.

Reposted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility

Look Who’s Talking About Infertility

  by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           I have been closely following recent articles discussing whether you should talk about your infertility or not.  Dina Roth Port wrote an article for the Huffington Post titled “Infertility: The Disease we Need to Start Talking About.”   Her thesis is that people who experience infertility have been reluctant to speak about it.  She speculates the reasons are that infertility is “an extremely personal matter” and adds some people may feel some shame about their inability to conceive a child. 

            The article goes on to compare infertility to other medical conditions like cancer where ribbons are worn and people proudly march and publicly speak out to raise funds for their personal causes.  Ms. Port sites poor infertility insurance coverage as an example of the consequences of silence.

            Melissa Ford authored an article on her blog in response to Ms. Port.  Her article, “Please Stop Telling me to Speak about Infertility” offered a different perspective.  She agrees we should talk about our infertility.  Her belief is that when we do nobody listens.  Her experience is when she talks about infertility, “the conversation screeches to a halt.”  She argues that Ms. Port is blaming the victim.  The issue for her is “we still need the other side to listen to it.”  In my experience that silence has to do with the fact that people don’t know what to say or are fearful about saying the wrong thing. 

            I would argue they both are right.  It is important to discuss infertility in order to help those who haven’t experienced it to understand how devastating it is.  That may or may not be a personal goal for you. You have the option of telling people what you need from them to help get the support you need as you battle your infertility.  I remember when I was in the midst of my treatment.  I finally got pregnant and my husband wanted to tell everyone about it.  I was initially hesitant to talk to even immediate family because I didn’t want to face questions, have to give long explanations, and feared I might have a miscarriage.  

            In the end each of us must figure out what feels right in terms of what we do disclose about our infertility and who we talk to about it.  What are your goals in discussing your infertility?  You hope the listener will respond with sensitivity and compassion.  You need to be prepared for the possibility that won’t happen.  Carefully consider if you want to talk to others, who might be a confidant, and what the consequences will be for you.  Ideally if you choose to talk there will be someone there ready to listen. 

 AFA blogger Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, has a Master’s Degree in Social Work and has been a licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years.  She has done workshops, individual, and group counseling with people experiencing infertility.  Ms. Waichler is the author of the award winning Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire.  She currently writes freelance infertility and health related articles.

Music from the adopted heart

by Corey Whelan

We as human beings, universally, seem to share so many commonalities.  We all bleed, both literally and figuratively.  We all need to feel a solidarity of some kind in order to get through our lives.  For many, it is country.  For others, love.  But for most, it is not only love, but also love of family.  And if the number of ipods that accompany people to work are any indication, we also all seem to be  moved, viscerally, by music. We experience music more than we hear it; we all share that need, to feel and to take in the stories told through song.  Music searches us out and touches us in a way that we all seem to long for. And so, we are also touched by the story tellers who are willing to bleed for us through song, who share their lives with us, because their words so often give voice to what is in our own lives or our own hearts.

Today was an unusual day.  I don't always get to have breakfast with a famous rapper, or to hear him sing.  In this case, the very handsome (and muscular) Run DMC (aka Daryl McDaniels), shared his voice and his story of being an adult adoptee with a number of us at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Along with the British singer Zara Phillips, also an adult adoptee, the two of them spun a powerful tale.  Daryl said he always knew something was wrong.  And at 35 years of age he was contemplating suicide when his adopted parents finally told him the truth.

Daryl's and Zara's were not the only voices.  Not everyone can educate through song!   Others educate through spoken passion.  There were so many of that ilk today.  But first among them was Adam Pertman.

Adam was today's host.  To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I walked in the room.  I wound up hearing countless stories, and testimony about the need for adult adoptees to have the right to their original birth certificates.  Today was a call to arms about this issue.  Although this right is being contested by a number of groups, legislation allowing adult adoptees to access their OBC's is being passed through hard won legislation in a number of states.  And that is the fight that today was about.  Getting the word out.  Letting people know. Two and 1/2 years in the making, this event was led by Adam and the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.  EBD is committed to research, data, and proof, things which are close to my writer's heart.  According to EBD, the arguments being utilized to support the continued consealment of adoptee's original identities are flawed.  Birth certificates were never sealed to protect birthparents, anonymity could never be guaranteed and birthparents overwhelmingly support contact.  In addition, access to original birth certificates does not decrease adoption rates or spike abortion rates.  Adam can tell this story better than I, you can read him here, and you should.   Adam is a smart man.  He may not be a rap star but he is a solid thinker and a coalition builder. 

Many of his universal team, as well as many dissenting voices, were in residence at the Hard Rock this a.m. to sound the charge, or to silence it, for opening up original birth certificates for all adoptees nationwide.  Year by year, state by state, inch by inch, passionate people reported on their progress or lack of it.  Working to pass imperfect bills in order to begin this process of creating wholeness.

I was moved beyond words.   I have said many times about so many things, that the one thing we as human beings deserve above all else, is our own personal truth.  What I learned today is that we as human beings not only deserve, but require, that same thing.  I don't think I knew that before, at least not the way I know it now.

I have always known however that music can teach.  And yes, the willingness of individuals to bring their pain, their lives, their experiences to the fore can also teach.  Via film today I saw individuals ripping open their unsealed birth certificates to view them for the first time. You know, I never realized before that most babies surrendered for adoption are named by their birth parents.  Can you imagine seeing your original name, on paper, for the first time? What that would feel like?

Ok.  Here comes the hard part.  Those of you who have read my words over the years may remember a quandary I have mentioned before.  I have a cousin who I know is adopted.  I have kept this secret, given to me by her mother and my own, for my whole life long.  My cousin has never spoken of it to me and I don't know if she knows this secret that I know, that I have held.  Yes, in earlier writings I said my cousin was a he.   She is not.  My quandary?  Her parents, my parents, that whole generalion of secret keepers, have all passed.  The only person left to ask if she knows, is herself.  I don't know if she knows and I have battled with talking to her about it forever.  What right do I have to talk to her about it?  What right do I have to not talk to her about it?

My dear girl, I know you read my blog.  If you have ever had a thought, a doubt, a feeling, that something was wrong.  If you want to talk about it, call me.  I am here for you, I love you, I am your family.  I love you.

 

Once I adopt, will I think about adoption all the time?

by Kathy Brodsky, LCSW

Parents are parents and they think about their children all the time. Whether you’ve adopted or given birth, your role is one of protector, teacher, and nurturer.  In this role, you see everyday life through your eyes and the eyes of your child. You manage activities, meal plans, play dates, household affairs, family, friends, and community, and are always aware of the external environment surrounding your child and family.

Part of this three-ring circus is to keep your eyes on the ball at all times. Sometimes it sits quietly on the floor. Sometimes it is thrown into the air. Sometimes it is foisted onto a trapeze and flies high. But you NEVER take your eyes off the ball.

In your vigilance, you watch how each toss of the ball affects you and your child. You compare what you know with what you suspect. You sort through the options and choose carefully for what seems appropriate at any moment.

For adoptive parents, the adoption interweaves through daily activities. Sometimes you let it lie dormant. Sometimes you respond to a comment from your child, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Sometimes you raise the issue and choose to throw adoption into the arena to be noticed.

It is common to think about birth parents when your child does something that seems alien to you. Perhaps she has a special talent that is not learned from you. She has an interest that does not match yours. Her behavior is not in sync with the norm in your family. It is not uncommon to think of birth parents when your child does something wonderful and you want to tell everyone who would care. She learned to play the piano. She sings like an angel. She won a prize. She had a birthday. It is also common to think of birth parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day, the day your adoption was finalized, and the day you first met your child or got your referral.

Thinking about the birth parents on any of these occasions or at other times is okay. It is more than okay. It is expected.  It does not mean you are less attached to your child. It does not mean you are any less of a parent. It is actually a sign of parental strength that you are recognizing an important part of who your child is -- for all adopted children are a mix of nature and nurture.

Rejoice in your ability to be your child’s best advocate. You are able to see all sides of your child. You are the ringmaster. You can bring the members of the troupe out of the shadows. You can allow thoughts and feelings to be expressed, and some of you may even want to have your child’s birth family be part of your life and decision-making process.

If you need a lesson or two, ask for help from an informed counselor or from other parents who have successfully stepped into the ring. You can learn to juggle all the balls, and know when to grab one or let another fly.

So, will you think about adoption?  Yes. But rather than worry about it, help your child and family embrace it.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW, has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. Kathy is an Advisory Board Member of The AFA and was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. She formed her family through adoption.

 

Twins are everywhere!

by Jamie Schenk DeWitt

Next time you are walking down the street or jogging in the park, notice how many double or even triple strollers there are.  I was at the park yesterday with my 21-month-old twin daughters and saw three pairs of twin strollers and one set of triplets!  

Based on figures from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, approximately 30% of couples that undergo ART (Assisted Reproductive Therapy) will give birth to twins versus 1-2 % of spontaneous pregnancies.  

Below are two of the reasons why:

1.  Fertility drugs that are prescribed to patients encourage the ovaries to release more than one egg during ovulation.  

 2. During the embryo transfer of an IVF (In vitro fertilization) cycle, doctors often implant more than one embryo in the womb.  (Ever since the infamous Octomom debacle fertility doctors have been under fire for implanting more than one embryo, but -- needless to say -- depending on the woman’s age,  infertility diagnosis and doctor’s medical evaluation, sometimes it may make sense to implant more than one embryo).  

The first consultation that my husband and I had with our fertility doctor he asked us,   “How do you feel about having twins?”  Spontaneously I responded, “Great!  I would love it.” Our physician went on to inform us that there was a greater chance of having multiples when using assisted reproductive methods.  Because I was so distraught over not being able to get pregnant naturally it seemed like a blessing to get pregnant with one baby, let alone twins.

8 months after our initial visit with our fertility doctor, I was pregnant with twins.  It was one of the most joyous days in my life.  After all of the failed treatments, it felt like a miracle that I was pregnant.  And since being pregnant with twins put me in the high-risk pregnancy category, I was consumed with staying healthy, and the reality of what it meant both physically and financially to take care of twins after they were born did not faze me right away.  Yes, we bought two cribs, two car seats and a double Snap-n-Go stroller (an essential item) in preparation for their arrival.   Yet, the notion that we would have to do two of everything at the same time, -- two diapers, two feedings, and two baths – did not hit me until the morning they were born. Literally, my life changed in an instant. 

The challenges of their first three months, from trying to figure out how to simultaneously breastfeed two babies, to consoling two hysterically crying infants, to learning how to synchronize their schedules, so I could get some sleep at night were tremendous.  I can still remember the first night that I was alone with both of them.  The baby nurse and my mom had left to go back to their respective cities and my husband was working late.  I had successfully positioned both girls on each breast in the football position for their evening feeding.  However, when it came time to give them each a bottle (I had to supplement with formula since I didn’t produce enough milk for two babies) all hell broke out.  They were both crying.   I couldn’t figure out how to hold both of their heads up at the same time to give them their bottles. It was a disaster.  By the time my husband came home, I was bawling.  

Needless to say, I ended up figuring out how to manage that situation, but in the process I felt awful.  It would take several months of trial and error for me to feel like a “mother of twins.” Taking care of my daughters was the most difficult job that I had ever encountered, but with each new challenge that I conquered, I found my voice as a mother.  I learned how to trust myself, rely on the advice of other parents of twins, and use parenting experts in my community.  I also drew incredible strength from observing my spectacular girls grow and develop.  I was proud of who we were becoming as a family and with this newfound confidence, I never shied away from taking them to the park, classes, play dates or the grocery store by myself, which believe me, felt like quite an accomplishment at the time. 

Over the course of the first year I can still clearly remember the comments and looks that I got from other parents or strangers when they would see me out with my twin daughters.  

 “Wow twins!  You’ve got your hands full.”

“Are they twins?  So adorable!”

“Twins!  Two for the price of one.” (If they only knew how much IVF cost)

“A boy and a girl?”

“Are they identical?  Wow, they sure look identical don’t they?”

“You sure have a lot of energy for having two babies.” 

“They must keep you on your toes.”

“Agh twins.” (Insert look of desire) “I wanted twins, but I didn’t get so lucky.  I only have one baby.”

“Agh twins. How’s that going for you?” (Insert look of terror)

“Two babies.  Bet you’re busy.”

“I can’t believe you have twins!”

 Dead silence.  (Insert look at the babies, then look at me. Enough said.)

“Are you enjoying both of them?”

“So precious!”

“Do you have help?”

“Oh my God – Twins!  I could never imagine.”

“She looks so much like you.” (Pointing to the daughter who looks exactly like her father)

“They are so adorable.  You must get sick of hearing that?  They sure must keep you busy?  Okay I’ll leave you alone.”

“A boy and girl?  No.  Two boys.” (One is dressed in purple and the other in hot pink.)

 “You are so lucky and blessed.”

“That’s a lot of work.”

“Do twins run in your family?”

So whether you are taking care of one baby, two or three babies, motherhood is a journey and not a destination. Enjoy the ride because it all goes by so fast!   And just realize that if you need fertility treatments, know if you are willing to have a multiple birth, and know all the facts, both medical, emotional, and practically speaking. 

 Even though we did not plan on having twins when we began our fertility treatments I have learned from my own experience, as well as that of other mother’s of twins that the question of whether or not it is safe to have multiples is one to be taken very seriously. There are tremendous risks to both mother and babies when someone attempts to have a multiple pregnancy and you should make sure that you discuss this in depth with your doctor prior to conception being attempted.. 

 According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART).  the objective of infertility treatment should be the birth of a single, healthy child.  Multiple gestations, meaning twins or greater, can pose significant health concerns.  These include but are not limited to:

• Increased Rates of Miscarriage
• Increased Rates of Fetal Death, Even After Birth
• Cerebral Palsy:
• Increased Levels of Nausea, Heartburn and Vomiting during Pregnancy
• Pre-eclampsia (High Blood Pressure)
• Gestational Diabetes:
• Placenta Previa
• Heart Problems, Including Heart Attack for the Expectant Mother:
• Increased Need for Partial or Complete Bedrest, and Limited Physical Activity:
• Emotional Issues, including the possible need for Mutifetal Reduction
• Increased Rates of Caesarian Section Delivery
• Complications after Birth such as Development Delays or Autism

A sobering, and partial list.  It is important to note that not all twin pregnancies are problematic, many like mine, only posed temporary challenges that we as a family were able to overcome.  The American Fertility Association will be publishing several significant commentaries on this issue during 2011, as well as a fact sheet and video on elective Single Embryo Transfer, later on this month.  In depth information on all aspects of mutliple birth will be covered.