The AFA Blog

Surviving Mother’s and Father’s Day

by Judith Kottick, LCSW

 Mother’s and Father’s Day may be holidays invented by the Hallmark Card Company, but it doesn’t mean this commemoration of parenthood doesn’t still have meaning.  For many of us, the attitudes we hold toward any holiday stem from childhood memories of the rituals and sentiments about the day that our parents have created or passed down from their own families.  At the same time, current life circumstances add a layer of feeling about the holiday that may dictate whether you are dreading or looking forward to the day’s observation.  So if your recollection of Mother’s Day is a warm family gathering with cousins, good food and laughter, it may be a holiday you would enjoy under other circumstances, but not while going through infertility and longing for parenthood.  If, on the other hand, you remember Father’s Day as a period of tension between parents, step-parents or relatives that left you feeling forgotten or fought over, this may be a day you dreamed could be different with your own child, but is just as well skipped over this year, while going through infertility.

 Many individuals and couples going through fertility treatment express a sense of dread leading into events that revolve around children or parenthood.  Certainly Mother’s and Father’s Day fall into that category.  It seems to be true that Mother’s and Father’s Day are about your own parents when you are growing up, but once you’re an adult and ready for a child, you’re meant to take center stage on this day.  And when parenthood is elusive, forget it!  The day is painful and an acute reminder of what is supposed to be.  Restaurants, places of worship, department stores, garden centers, newspapers and chocolate stores are all in on the celebration.  So what’s a wishing-to-be-a-parent to do?

 Take care of yourself.  There are many times when it makes sense to focus on the people in your life who you want to nurture and care for, but sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission to put yourself first.  When you’re going through infertility, this is one of those times.  Consider skipping the Mother’s/Father’s Day festivities this year, or make a brief appearance.  Give an excuse or explain to your family that you would appreciate their understanding that you need to skip the holiday this year. 

 Check in with your partner.  If you are trying to conceive within the context of a marriage or relationship, you can’t necessarily assume your partner shares your views on the upcoming Mother’s or Father’s Day.  While some people are able to compartmentalize the fertility struggle with little effect on their day-to-day lives, others find it consumes their every thought and decision, alienating them from the community and activities that were once so meaningful.  Consequently some couples find they disagree on the importance of attending family functions, adding tension to their relationship at a time when they need each other for understanding and support.  In this situation it is important to resist the urge to engage in a battle over the “right” or “wrong” approach, with each of you trying to force your beliefs and will over the other.  Instead, commit to listening and acknowledging each other’s views, and brainstorm together on the best solution for both of you.  Remember, it may take some ingenuity and patience to balance the needs of each partner, as well as the families of both.

  Plan ahead.  If you think you’ll want a reprieve from the holiday plans with your family, let them know ahead of time so they can adjust their expectations and you don’t spend weeks anticipating the confrontation.  Even if they react with anger or disappointment, you can still maintain your ground knowing you will have saved yourself unnecessary stress on the day in question.  There will be plenty of time to make it up to your family in the future.

 Create your own occasion.  Mark the day with your spouse or close friends doing non-child oriented activities.  Walk in the woods, create an intimate day with your partner, go for a bike ride, take a weekend away at a spa or lock the doors and watch movies and order Chinese food.  Try something new or settle on an activity that has been gratifying in the past.  Whatever you choose, take comfort in knowing you may not be in control of your family building schedule, but you can still take charge of other parts of your life.

 Reacquaint yourself with… yourself.  When family building plans are delayed or derailed, it is often the case that life centers around medical treatment and baby making, while losing the parts of your identity that previously made you proud.  Why not take Mother’s or Father’s Day as an opportunity to remember your accomplishments and the people in your life who have been a help to you during this difficult time.  You haven’t lost your talents and abilities just because you’re struggling to have a baby, nor are you any less important to the people who love you.  Take time to salute the functioning parts of your life and relationships.

 Grieve.  Lastly, there’s no shame in feeling sad.   Sharon N. Covington and Linda Hammer Burns, in Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians, remind us that “Infertility involves grief and loss whether it is a profound distinct loss at the onset of treatment or a gradual accumulation of losses over time.”  Sometimes the best approach to this challenging time is to spend a day in mourning.  Giving yourself the space to recognize these difficult feelings will ultimately give way to the resolve and energy necessary to continue your quest for parenthood. 

 However you spend Mother’s or Father’s day, take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  You may feel invisible on this holiday but there are estimates that one out of ten couples trying to conceive in the U.S. are having the same experience.  Remember, with a little planning, communicating and self-care, you can survive the day and look forward to what lies ahead.

 Judith Kottick LCSW is a therapist practicing in the field of reproductive counselling and a member of The AFA Mental Health Advisory Council

The Leap from Infertility to Adoption

 

by Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

During the week of National Infertility Awareness two friends have contacted me to talk about their long struggles with infertility.  The agonizing pain they continue to experience is both familiar and palpable.  They both have wonderful husbands who have supported them through their treatments and multiple losses.  They have gone through this process together each offering the other comfort and understanding.  One friend has decided to begin the process of adoption.  The other has come close to that point but is not quite there yet.  Every woman who has experienced infertility understands that before you can take the next step whatever that might be you have to feel you have tried everything you possibly can to get your body to achieve pregnancy hopefully giving birth to a healthy child.

            Most people try to have a child through infertility treatments before they consider adoption as a family building option.  Like infertility treatment, adoption takes time, money, and a lot of patience on the part of the perspective parents. You will face challenges along the way finding the right agency, the birthmother or birthparents who select you if you adopt domestically, doing the paperwork, interviews, and preparing the paperwork you need to begin your adoption process.  The good news is adoption is a family building alternative that usually ends with a child becoming a member of your family.  You will have the opportunity to parent by yourself or with your partner.  There is a degree of certainty about having a child in the end that is associated with adoption.

            It can be challenging switching your mind and your efforts from doing what you can to have a biological or genetic link with a child to exploring adopting a child.  The most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe you are capable of adopting a child? Think carefully about if you can truly love, bond with, and accept a child who shares no biologic or genetic link with you?  Take time considering why you want to adopt and what the adoption will mean to you. 

            You may find it useful to take some time to grieve the loss of having a child with these biologic or genetic links before you pursue the path of adoption.  Give yourself some time to nurture yourself, emotionally and physically recharge, and process the losses associated with your unsuccessful infertility treatment before your embark on this new path to building your family.  Being an adoptive parent is no less challenging or enriching for you and your adopted child.  It is something you can choose to do.  There are challenges associated with the process of adoption just as there are with infertility treatment.  The experiences that challenged you during infertility can offer you valuable insights and perspective that you can use to help you through your adoption process.  Parenting transforms us in ways we can’t even imagine.  Whether you become a parent through infertility or adoption the rewards can be great.

 Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

What Matters Most

By Shari DeGraff Stewart

As a therapist, I sit with a young woman who struggles to find words to express her anguish and disbelief, "Is this it?  Is this my life?"  Some people would look at her, a beautiful woman, and think she has everything:  financial security and social respect from an education and established career, a caring family and amazing husband, even the American dream of a lovely home and car.  But she wonders, "Is this all there is?  I've worked hard so we could create a home, not just for us, but for our baby.  All my dreams of growing old together include our children and grandchildren."

The deep grief of infertility is the realization that what matters most, to many of us, is a life and a world we share with our children.  The material things we thought mattered become a painful mockery—"What use is this house if its not filled with the sound of children laughing?  Why am I working so hard for one promotion after another?  I don't want my legacy to be this business.  I want it to be my son or daughter."  Even the image of a catastrophe clarifies our priorities—If there were a ______________(fire, flood, earthquake) the first thing we think about is, "Are the children safe?"  Because, that is what matters most to us.

To dismiss the grief and fear of infertility as an "obsession" is to miss this basic truth.  What we value most in life, from the intangibles of meaning, love, faith, and truth to the physical needs of comfort, touch, and nurture are for most of us, intertwined in the image of and need for our children.  It is my life's work and the work of The Stewart Institute Foundation to meet the emotional needs of women and couples facing what may be the most-difficult grief of their life—the fear of losing their children.

Reposted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility

Be Playful! Be Romantic!

  by Kristen Magnacca

When creating a family becomes work because of infertility, it can be challenging to keep the romantic love light shining bright. But when we shift our focus to balancing our energy, we create a greater resilience that helps us stay connected as a couple and loving to others and ourselves.

So how do you do create a sense of balance around romance and love  while making your family? 

 Well, it takes a little planning, though it may seem counter intuitive to emphasize planning in the same breath as spontaneous lovemaking. However, you still need to balance the energy around the passion you and your spouse used to experience with the mechanics of making a baby, especially during an IUI or IVF cycle. Actually this requires more planning than ever before.

 When my husband and I were going through our fertility journey, we would plan to make love without any intention of trying to create a baby. We wanted to create a connection between ourselves and also to remember that not everything about our relationship had changed even though we were undergoing infertility treatment.

 Here’s a helpful strategy. Create Old and New columns on a piece of paper. Under each category, write what you and your partner used to do in the romance department, as well as what you are doing now.  Then choose from the old column and plan to recreate your former sense of passion. 

 Recreating the familiar feelings around lovemaking connects you as a couple to old passions and energies, bringing a sense of normalcy during a time of change.  It helps shift the reactionary thoughts of “where did our intimacy go?“ to a proactive place of “we know what we need to keep the romantic parts of us connected and feeling fulfilled.”

 Placing attention on romance, love and passion can lessen the feelings that passion and spontaneity are lost. They aren’t; they just need some extra light shined on them.  After all, romance is defined as “a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.‘

 Cultivating curiosity about your and your partner’s romantic needs and defining what romance means to you as a couple will help you heighten the mystery about each other and create deeper feelings of love. 

 “Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, and then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.” Unknown

Kristen Magnacca is a life coach, fertility author and expert on the emotional aspects of infertility. She is the author of the award-winning book Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life, as well as Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion. Ms. Magnacca provides support to patients individually and in groups, as well as works with fertility clinics and other providers to enhance the patient experience.

Once I adopt, will I think about adoption all the time?

by Kathy Brodsky, LCSW

Parents are parents and they think about their children all the time. Whether you’ve adopted or given birth, your role is one of protector, teacher, and nurturer.  In this role, you see everyday life through your eyes and the eyes of your child. You manage activities, meal plans, play dates, household affairs, family, friends, and community, and are always aware of the external environment surrounding your child and family.

Part of this three-ring circus is to keep your eyes on the ball at all times. Sometimes it sits quietly on the floor. Sometimes it is thrown into the air. Sometimes it is foisted onto a trapeze and flies high. But you NEVER take your eyes off the ball.

In your vigilance, you watch how each toss of the ball affects you and your child. You compare what you know with what you suspect. You sort through the options and choose carefully for what seems appropriate at any moment.

For adoptive parents, the adoption interweaves through daily activities. Sometimes you let it lie dormant. Sometimes you respond to a comment from your child, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Sometimes you raise the issue and choose to throw adoption into the arena to be noticed.

It is common to think about birth parents when your child does something that seems alien to you. Perhaps she has a special talent that is not learned from you. She has an interest that does not match yours. Her behavior is not in sync with the norm in your family. It is not uncommon to think of birth parents when your child does something wonderful and you want to tell everyone who would care. She learned to play the piano. She sings like an angel. She won a prize. She had a birthday. It is also common to think of birth parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day, the day your adoption was finalized, and the day you first met your child or got your referral.

Thinking about the birth parents on any of these occasions or at other times is okay. It is more than okay. It is expected.  It does not mean you are less attached to your child. It does not mean you are any less of a parent. It is actually a sign of parental strength that you are recognizing an important part of who your child is -- for all adopted children are a mix of nature and nurture.

Rejoice in your ability to be your child’s best advocate. You are able to see all sides of your child. You are the ringmaster. You can bring the members of the troupe out of the shadows. You can allow thoughts and feelings to be expressed, and some of you may even want to have your child’s birth family be part of your life and decision-making process.

If you need a lesson or two, ask for help from an informed counselor or from other parents who have successfully stepped into the ring. You can learn to juggle all the balls, and know when to grab one or let another fly.

So, will you think about adoption?  Yes. But rather than worry about it, help your child and family embrace it.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW, has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. Kathy is an Advisory Board Member of The AFA and was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. She formed her family through adoption.

 

Twins are everywhere!

by Jamie Schenk DeWitt

Next time you are walking down the street or jogging in the park, notice how many double or even triple strollers there are.  I was at the park yesterday with my 21-month-old twin daughters and saw three pairs of twin strollers and one set of triplets!  

Based on figures from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, approximately 30% of couples that undergo ART (Assisted Reproductive Therapy) will give birth to twins versus 1-2 % of spontaneous pregnancies.  

Below are two of the reasons why:

1.  Fertility drugs that are prescribed to patients encourage the ovaries to release more than one egg during ovulation.  

 2. During the embryo transfer of an IVF (In vitro fertilization) cycle, doctors often implant more than one embryo in the womb.  (Ever since the infamous Octomom debacle fertility doctors have been under fire for implanting more than one embryo, but -- needless to say -- depending on the woman’s age,  infertility diagnosis and doctor’s medical evaluation, sometimes it may make sense to implant more than one embryo).  

The first consultation that my husband and I had with our fertility doctor he asked us,   “How do you feel about having twins?”  Spontaneously I responded, “Great!  I would love it.” Our physician went on to inform us that there was a greater chance of having multiples when using assisted reproductive methods.  Because I was so distraught over not being able to get pregnant naturally it seemed like a blessing to get pregnant with one baby, let alone twins.

8 months after our initial visit with our fertility doctor, I was pregnant with twins.  It was one of the most joyous days in my life.  After all of the failed treatments, it felt like a miracle that I was pregnant.  And since being pregnant with twins put me in the high-risk pregnancy category, I was consumed with staying healthy, and the reality of what it meant both physically and financially to take care of twins after they were born did not faze me right away.  Yes, we bought two cribs, two car seats and a double Snap-n-Go stroller (an essential item) in preparation for their arrival.   Yet, the notion that we would have to do two of everything at the same time, -- two diapers, two feedings, and two baths – did not hit me until the morning they were born. Literally, my life changed in an instant. 

The challenges of their first three months, from trying to figure out how to simultaneously breastfeed two babies, to consoling two hysterically crying infants, to learning how to synchronize their schedules, so I could get some sleep at night were tremendous.  I can still remember the first night that I was alone with both of them.  The baby nurse and my mom had left to go back to their respective cities and my husband was working late.  I had successfully positioned both girls on each breast in the football position for their evening feeding.  However, when it came time to give them each a bottle (I had to supplement with formula since I didn’t produce enough milk for two babies) all hell broke out.  They were both crying.   I couldn’t figure out how to hold both of their heads up at the same time to give them their bottles. It was a disaster.  By the time my husband came home, I was bawling.  

Needless to say, I ended up figuring out how to manage that situation, but in the process I felt awful.  It would take several months of trial and error for me to feel like a “mother of twins.” Taking care of my daughters was the most difficult job that I had ever encountered, but with each new challenge that I conquered, I found my voice as a mother.  I learned how to trust myself, rely on the advice of other parents of twins, and use parenting experts in my community.  I also drew incredible strength from observing my spectacular girls grow and develop.  I was proud of who we were becoming as a family and with this newfound confidence, I never shied away from taking them to the park, classes, play dates or the grocery store by myself, which believe me, felt like quite an accomplishment at the time. 

Over the course of the first year I can still clearly remember the comments and looks that I got from other parents or strangers when they would see me out with my twin daughters.  

 “Wow twins!  You’ve got your hands full.”

“Are they twins?  So adorable!”

“Twins!  Two for the price of one.” (If they only knew how much IVF cost)

“A boy and a girl?”

“Are they identical?  Wow, they sure look identical don’t they?”

“You sure have a lot of energy for having two babies.” 

“They must keep you on your toes.”

“Agh twins.” (Insert look of desire) “I wanted twins, but I didn’t get so lucky.  I only have one baby.”

“Agh twins. How’s that going for you?” (Insert look of terror)

“Two babies.  Bet you’re busy.”

“I can’t believe you have twins!”

 Dead silence.  (Insert look at the babies, then look at me. Enough said.)

“Are you enjoying both of them?”

“So precious!”

“Do you have help?”

“Oh my God – Twins!  I could never imagine.”

“She looks so much like you.” (Pointing to the daughter who looks exactly like her father)

“They are so adorable.  You must get sick of hearing that?  They sure must keep you busy?  Okay I’ll leave you alone.”

“A boy and girl?  No.  Two boys.” (One is dressed in purple and the other in hot pink.)

 “You are so lucky and blessed.”

“That’s a lot of work.”

“Do twins run in your family?”

So whether you are taking care of one baby, two or three babies, motherhood is a journey and not a destination. Enjoy the ride because it all goes by so fast!   And just realize that if you need fertility treatments, know if you are willing to have a multiple birth, and know all the facts, both medical, emotional, and practically speaking. 

 Even though we did not plan on having twins when we began our fertility treatments I have learned from my own experience, as well as that of other mother’s of twins that the question of whether or not it is safe to have multiples is one to be taken very seriously. There are tremendous risks to both mother and babies when someone attempts to have a multiple pregnancy and you should make sure that you discuss this in depth with your doctor prior to conception being attempted.. 

 According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART).  the objective of infertility treatment should be the birth of a single, healthy child.  Multiple gestations, meaning twins or greater, can pose significant health concerns.  These include but are not limited to:

• Increased Rates of Miscarriage
• Increased Rates of Fetal Death, Even After Birth
• Cerebral Palsy:
• Increased Levels of Nausea, Heartburn and Vomiting during Pregnancy
• Pre-eclampsia (High Blood Pressure)
• Gestational Diabetes:
• Placenta Previa
• Heart Problems, Including Heart Attack for the Expectant Mother:
• Increased Need for Partial or Complete Bedrest, and Limited Physical Activity:
• Emotional Issues, including the possible need for Mutifetal Reduction
• Increased Rates of Caesarian Section Delivery
• Complications after Birth such as Development Delays or Autism

A sobering, and partial list.  It is important to note that not all twin pregnancies are problematic, many like mine, only posed temporary challenges that we as a family were able to overcome.  The American Fertility Association will be publishing several significant commentaries on this issue during 2011, as well as a fact sheet and video on elective Single Embryo Transfer, later on this month.  In depth information on all aspects of mutliple birth will be covered.

The Lone Ranger and Me: How I Met my Fertility Doctor

 

by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

One of the most important decisions you make as you begin your infertility treatment is selecting the right doctor.  I was fortunate. I was working at a hospital that had an infertility clinic and a friend was the head nurse there.  She helped me decide which doctor was the best fit for me.                                                                                                       When I realized we were going to need help conceiving a baby, I knew my husband must be comfortable with our doctor.  I set up an appointment and we prepared some questions.  I decided to sit back and let the two of them get acquainted. The doctor had my husband’s immediate approval because of his buffalo belt buckle, and his story of traveling to Montana via motorcycle every summer to stop in small towns and meet the locals. I instantly liked him because he spent over an hour offering us his undivided attention, answering all our questions, and reassuring us that his experience and success with egg donor patients my age helped improve our chances of becoming parents.

            If like me, you need more than “how I spent my summer vacation” as a criteria to select a fertility doctor, or reproductive endocrinologist, there are many places to go.

 

• The AFA Physician Network can be accessed here: http://theafa.org/resources/physician_network/all

This site also features a therapist referral network, as well as one that is focused primarily on LGBT friendly providers.

 

• The Centers for Disease Control site can be accessed here:  http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2007/PDF/COMPLETE_2007_ART.pdf  

It offers a compilation of fertility treatment success rates from doctors and clinics all around the country. It takes 3 years to collate the data so the most recent report is 2007.  The information is broken down by states, cities, patient age, and diagnosis. 

 

• You can also check the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technologies site at http://www.sart.org/frame/detail.aspx?id=3893 .  It offers similar information you can use to compare.

 

            Unexpected things happen. Our clinic underwent internal staff upheaval and our doctor, along with others, was forbidden to see or contact patients.  It was at a key time for us as we were undergoing our first embryo implantation.  We were frustrated and angry. The clinic referred me to another doctor that would not take phone calls. We refused to work with that doctor because he wouldn’t speak with us to address our questions. People feel especially vulnerable during infertility treatment, but I strongly support self advocating if necessary.  We ultimately worked with a physician that we interviewed over the phone, since timing was key in my treatment.  We nicknamed him “the Lone Ranger” because he had his mask on when he did my implantation.  We never did see his face, but the surgery was a success! 

            Spend time figuring out what is important to you when choosing your physician.  Bedside manner, geographical proximity, years of experience with women of your age category and/or diagnosis, number of cycles performed annually, success rates in your age range, support staff, availability, and treatment philosophy are some key categories.  Add some of your own.  Do the research! It can make all the difference when you embark on your infertility treatment.

How do I support my infertile sister-in-law?

by Shari Degraff Stewart and Julia Fichtner Krahm

"My sister-in-law and her husband have been struggling with infertility for some time now. They have been married 11 years and have been very private about their struggle.

I have two children and the other families each have 4 children, so there have been many pregnancies and babies over the last 11 years, which I can see is very painful for her each time another pregnancy in announced.

Now we (my husband and I) are talking about adopting an older child from an orphanage in Haiti, and I can see that even that is hard for her to hear. I want so badly to care for her in her struggle, but I also don't want to withhold information about our lives if it is not necessary.  Sometimes I just don't know what is ok to talk about, especially at these holiday gatherings when everyone is asking what is going on in your lives.

Any advice you can give would be really helpful".

—Tammy

Your compassion is evident in your question.  While you cannot alleviate the core of her grief, you can offer your support in gentle ways that let her know the door is open, you can run interference for her in family gatherings, you can offer a relationship with you, when loss of relationship is the primary cause of her pain.

You and your family have naturally been cautious in approaching this subject with your sister-in-law out of respect for her privacy.  You have likely been waiting for her to indicate whether she wants to discuss her infertility or not.  In the grief and pain she is experiencing, it is difficult for her to take that first step.  As hard as it may be, I encourage the friends and family members of an infertile woman to see that taking initiative to bring up the topic is one of the greatest acts of support and kindness you can offer.  You will still allow her to choose how much to respond, but your gentle offerings or questions will open the door enough if she does want to talk. Your words will be a simple acknowledgment of her pain followed by questions that invite conversation if she chooses or offers of help or support.  You will want to be careful to avoid giving advice or trying to change what she feels.  Here are some simple statements you could use:

 I imagine this is painful for you and I’m so sorry.

 I’m so sorry for how hard this must be.

 I often wonder if you are struggling. I care about that and I want you to know that your pain does not go unnoticed.

I don’t know where you are and I don’t want to be intrusive, but I want you to know that I care and if there is anything I can do that is supportive of you and your pain, I would like to.

What do you need? 

I would love to be supportive of you and want to know what is helpful and what is not helpful.  What do you need? 

Regarding your possibly adopting a child, offer her a brief description of your plans about the adoption then let her know that, in general, you are not going to bring up the topic, but will wait and let her choose if she wants news or information.  Something like this:

You know that Dave and I are considering adopting a child from Haiti.  I’m not sure if this news is hard for you to hear.  I just want to let you know that I will talk about it anytime you want, but I will wait for you to bring up the subject.

Likely, at some point in the future, she will take you up on your offer.  When she feels like she has the strength, she will ask you a question or two.  Be aware that her initiating the conversation does not mean she has endless capacity to talk about this new child.  Create natural breaks in the conversation that allow her to move on to another topic.  If she wants to continue to hear about your child, she will let you know.  It might look something like this:

Her:  So, tell me what is going on with the adoption.

You:  Oh we’ve just found out that ….  And then we’re going to….  So we’re thinking we might….  Anyway, you were going to tell me about the trip you are planning.

She will either move into this new conversation or will slow you down with another question about the adoption.  What I want you to notice is that you will create ways for her to manage the length of the conversation.  Depending upon your relationship, you can ask her, “How is it for you to talk about this?   The lovely thing about questions is that she can respond to your invitation to talk more if she wants, or she can politely say something simple, like “fine,” and you will know she doesn’t want to open up more about he r feelings at this time.

In family gatherings when it is natural for loved ones to talk about all of the children a nd especially your possible new child, you can do several things. 

• At the gathering, if much of the conversation remains on the adoption, you turn the conversation with a simple phrase, “Oh I’ll fill you in on all of that later, when are we going to play cards?”  In a follow-up conversation, you may say to one of the family members:  “I didn’t me an to cut you short, I just thought it might be painful to talk about the adoption too much with the whole family present.” Your words offer gentle education to this family member about your sister-in-laws needs.

• You can also offer her a break from the conversation by asking her to help you make some coffee in another room.  You might ask her in the kitchen, “Are you okay?”  Your open-ended question allows her to choose what and how much she discloses.

• If you’re hosting the gathering, encourage this couple to choose when and how much they attend:  “We’re thinking of eating around 6:00 and then maybe play some cards.  Do you want to come for all or part of the evening?”

Offer and make available girl-only or couple-only times when she can just be a person, a friend, or sister-in-law and doesn’t feel like she is always wearing a capital “I” for Infertile on her chest.  Dinner with you and your husband and no kids or an afternoon with you shopping or indulging in a manicure will offer the healing that comes from relationship.

Children encapsulate every relationship and feeling in our life.  She grieves not just being a mother.  She longs to re-experience her own childhood in a daughter, or see a glimpse of her husband’s boyhood in a son.  She knows she would touch the life of her mother and grandmother in holding her child in her arms.  She even recalls the thrill of falling in love with her husband as she instantly falls in love with her child.  It is all of these losses that she grieves.  Your friendship doesn’t fill this loss.  It does offer some respite from it and it offers some healing.

Reprinted with permission from the Stewart Institute for Infertility

Just dance.

by Corey Whelan

There are some weeks when my days begin like bubbling cauldrons.  Too much work (a good thing, seriously).  Too little time.  A book to illustrate.  A teenager to placate.  A life to live.  That makes me one of the lucky ones, btw.

One day last week I popped on my headphones and turned on my computer and found, well, nirvana.  The AFA's dear friends and allies at Associacao Portuguesa de Fertilidade, had posted a Michael Buble video on their Facebook wall with the simple affirmation "Music Break".  Ok, that I can do! Because music, and movement, shifts reality in only positive ways.  But of course, you already know that.

My dear sisters.  For those of you who are currently TTC and gritting your teeth.  For those of you who are pregnant after TTC and freaked out.  For those of you who are finally mommies and haven't brushed your hair in three days.  Breathe, girlfriends. 

Oh, and by the way?  For you brave and amazing men who just "don't know what she wants, how the hell can I be there for her anymore?" I have a simple directive for all of you.

Just dance.

Hey people.  It's Monday morning.  What could be more important than this?

Just dance.

 

 

The Amazing Story of the Birth of the “Twiblings”

by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW

           For those of you who haven’t read it I strongly encourage you to read Melanie Thernstrom’s New York Times Magazine article called “Meet the Twiblings” at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html.

Ms. Therstrom and her husband use an egg donor and 2 different gestational carriers that end up giving birth to twins that are born 5 days apart. I loved this article for many reasons.  She candidly discusses a multitude of issues that will be familiar to many who experience infertility.  Examples include:

1.      Beginning infertility treatment later in life.

2.      Finding a doctor that will show empathy but be honest about your best chance for success in having a healthy baby.

3.      Unscrupulous surrogacy and egg donation agencies.

4.      Legal challenges of surrogacy.

5.      Societal judgements about infertility treatment, surrogacy, and egg donation.

6.      What role do you want your egg donor and surrogate to play in your new family’s life?

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom starting out at age 41 meeting her eventual husband.  She undergoes 6 treatment failures in her attempt to have a baby. Her doctor poses a critical question that changed her life.  He asked “Is your goal to have the experience of being pregnant or is your goal to have the best chance of having a healthy baby?”  I believe that question is not asked often enough by physicians.  It is the primary question those who have had repeated fertility treatment failures need to ask themselves.

This article is filled with valuable information those in the midst of infertility treatment can apply. There is a wonderful description of meeting the 2 women who eventually become her surrogates. Fie, one of the surrogates, goes over the surrogacy agreement line by line and she and Ms. Thernstrom carefully discuss scenarios so they have a clear agreement about how to proceed. They talk about whether the surrogates will provide breast milk after the baby is born? Consider questions you must ask like who pays living costs if your surrogate is unable to work due to the pregnancy?

The surrogate’s husbands were involved and met with the Thernstroms. The role of the surrogate husband is important and is rarely considered.  Their support is invaluable during their wives pregnancy.  Ms. Thernstrom observed her surrogates in their roles as parents and that was a major consideration for her in choosing them.

We learn about Ms. Thernstrom meeting her egg donor.  It was important for her to meet the donor.  Some choose to use an anonymous donor.  She describes looking at the woman who became her egg donor and thinking “When she flashed a smile, I wondered if I had caught my first hint of my child’s grin.”  There is that natural inclination for the perspective mother to make comparisons between herself and her egg donor.  Consider your feelings about that and what role if any you want your egg donor to play in your future child’s life.

The Thernstrom’s speak with the director of their egg donor agency about disclosure. She recommends “tell everyone or tell no one.”  Disclosure is one of the more challenging aspects of infertility.  You need to decide if you want your child to hear directly from you in your own words about their birth.  You may risk your child possibly learning from someone else. How  will that impact your child and your relationship with him/her?

Using a surrogate or an egg donor requires a huge leap of faith. You have to trust that the donor is honest about their medical history.  You want to believe your surrogate will take all the necessary steps you would to be as healthy as possible during the pregnancy.

Ms. Thernstrom coins the phrase “twiblings” to describe her children.  The same egg donor was used and the embryos were transferred the same day. The kids were born 5 days apart from two different gestational carriers. She also uses the word “Fairy Goddonor” to describe her egg donor.  Much like Sarah Palin’s word “refudiate” I hope these words should become an accepted part of English language.

            I thought a lot about this remarkable story. This particular case involved a small “village” of people united together to create a family. I applaud the courage of Ms. Thernstrom for telling her story in such a public forum.  She has gotten both praise and unwelcome comments from friends, professionals and strangers.  I realized that all of us have a unique story to tell about how we become a family. It is our choice how and whether to tell it or not