The AFA Blog

What Matters Most

By Shari DeGraff Stewart

As a therapist, I sit with a young woman who struggles to find words to express her anguish and disbelief, "Is this it?  Is this my life?"  Some people would look at her, a beautiful woman, and think she has everything:  financial security and social respect from an education and established career, a caring family and amazing husband, even the American dream of a lovely home and car.  But she wonders, "Is this all there is?  I've worked hard so we could create a home, not just for us, but for our baby.  All my dreams of growing old together include our children and grandchildren."

The deep grief of infertility is the realization that what matters most, to many of us, is a life and a world we share with our children.  The material things we thought mattered become a painful mockery—"What use is this house if its not filled with the sound of children laughing?  Why am I working so hard for one promotion after another?  I don't want my legacy to be this business.  I want it to be my son or daughter."  Even the image of a catastrophe clarifies our priorities—If there were a ______________(fire, flood, earthquake) the first thing we think about is, "Are the children safe?"  Because, that is what matters most to us.

To dismiss the grief and fear of infertility as an "obsession" is to miss this basic truth.  What we value most in life, from the intangibles of meaning, love, faith, and truth to the physical needs of comfort, touch, and nurture are for most of us, intertwined in the image of and need for our children.  It is my life's work and the work of The Stewart Institute Foundation to meet the emotional needs of women and couples facing what may be the most-difficult grief of their life—the fear of losing their children.

Reposted with permission from The Stewart Institute for Infertility

Laughter is the Best Medicine

by Merry Armentrout

"Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy."

That was the opening line for last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. 

It's the truth, isn't it.  Infertility can make you go crazy. It's stressful, physically grueling and emotionally draining. Infertility isn't a laughing matter.There's nothing funny about it.  That being said, there are times when laughter can be the best medicine.

 Each month you try to conceive, there are a mix of emotions that accompany the process. Constant feelings of rising hopelessness and sinking despair can certainly take an emotional toll on you and your partner.  You might not feel like laughing, but letting out a good laugh can help lighten the mood surrounding infertility.

My colleague, Corey Whelan, recently published an Examiner article on different ways other women have dealt with infertility through laughter. It seems the idea is catching on judging by last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother.

The episode follows married couple Marshall and Lily as they make a trip to a fertility clinic after failing to get pregnant. The first scene shows the couple talking with their OBGYN about their fear of being infertile. The doctor asks how long they've been trying to get pregnant...the answer is 6 days.  It then flashed forward to a few months later, and Lily and Marshall think something must be wrong because they're "doing it" a lot.  And in various locations (including the doctor's waiting room), and different positions. Lily declines Marshall's plan to continue to have as much sex as possible, and insists on seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

They both undergo infertility testing.  You can imagine the fun the shows writers must have had when creating the sperm collection scene.  Marshall walks into the room as another man is walking out, and gets way too freaked out by the thought of another person collecting semen that he is unable to perform the task. I can imagine how intimidating and embarrassing  it would be to collect a sperm sample in a fertility clinic's office, but I would suggest watching this episode- it might lighten the mood.

Lily checks out ok, and instantly Marshall is scared he's too blame. Since male infertility is to blame 40% of the time, it's certainly a possibility, but he checks ok as well.  During this time, Marshall doesn't want to tell his father of the chance he might not be able to give him a grandchild.  He says he's used to telling his family happy news, and is embarrassed to tell them about their struggle to conceive.

It's a tough question- should I tell anyone, and if so, whom?  Ellen Speyer, a Member of The AFA's Mental Health Advisory Council wrote a wonderful article on this very subject- the pros and cons of telling people about infertility.  It's a personal decision, but loved ones are there for you during the good and the bad. 

If you're dealing with infertility I would suggest you watch this episode, and get a good laugh at infertility.  Laughter is the best medicine.

   

 

Trick or treat. An infertility patient's guide to coping with Halloween

by Judith Horowitz, Ph.D.

If you think that the only treat that could make you smile would be to see a positive over-the-counter home pregnancy test, and that you are the recipient of the world’s worst trick ever i.e., being diagnosed with infertility, read on. And, if you are reading this blog, then you probably are anticipating another holiday without being pregnant or having an infant in your arms. 

            While other people are debating whether to purchase a store bought costume vs. making one themselves, you are dreading this upcoming Halloween.  You notice people standing three deep in the candy aisle of your local grocery store while determining if the bag of assorted mini candy bars is superior to those that they usually purchase vs. confections they wouldn’t eat on a bet (and therefore wouldn’t gain weight if any were left over). This sight fills you with horror, and not the kind that results from encountering a ghostly apparition. 

            While your friends and neighbors contemplate dressing their children as Hannah Montana vs. Tinkerbell, Superman vs. Spiderman, or Count Dracula vs. Sponge Bob Square Pants, you want to hide in a vampire’s coffin and not come out until November 1^st. While new parents are taking 100 pictures of their babies’ first Halloween (and that is before they put them in their strollers to walk outside), you are hoping if you turn out your lights, people will be duped into believing no one is home. Having a banal holiday that included children would be a treat for you. However, you find yourself scared, and not by the Mephistophelean costumes displayed in store windows, but rather the demon of doubt regarding your chances for conception.

            Wanting to shun the little upturned faces who sweetly say “Trick or Treat” in tiny, barely audible tones is not abnormal for those having difficulty conceiving. But stuffing your face in order to overdose on sugar, become comatose, and pass out on your sofa is overkill and not a realistic or highly desirable option.  So what alternatives can help you get through this holiday?

            You may wish to purchase a cauldron size pot, fill it with candy, and affix a note explaining to Trick or Treaters that they are on the honor system and should help themselves, leaving you free to go to the movies.  Furthermore, you may wish to take advantage of Halloween falling on a Saturday this year, and make reservations to dine at an upscale restaurant, where children are not welcome.  Due to the current economy, I have found there are numerous last minute travel deals offered on the internet, so planning an inexpensive weekend away from it all shouldn’t be too difficult.  Additionally, you may wish to attend a Halloween party thrown by someone from work, as adults will be in attendance but not children. If you yourself choose to throw a Halloween party, try to select a venue away from home and the neighborhood kids.  Sometimes avoidance is a good method for handling sorrow and loss, so don’t minimize its efficacy.  Since this is a holiday for children, don’t pick this Saturday to be brave and face your demons (regardless of their size). Feel confident that there are many different ways of building a family, and if that is your goal, you will achieve it one day soon.

___________

Judith E. Horowitz, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Broward County, Florida.  Dr. Horowitz is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, is a certified sexual therapist and Diplomate of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and is also a Diplomate of the American Board of Medical Psychotherapists and Psychodiagnosticians.

Who is Lisa Faulkner?

by Maria Portella

Who is Lisa Faulkner you may ask? I certainly did. Having been out of the UK for many years, and even when I was there not a massive TV viewer, I had no idea who this popular television actress was.

Yet, someone pointed her out to me recently as an exemplary woman, who showed the 'other side' of infertility/subfertility - where medical treatment doesn't work and you have to think of something else. For some, this will be adoption and for others it will be a decision to lead a child-free life. Each is a completely valid life-choice, yet this 'side' is so under-represented in the press.

The press rarely reports the cases where medical treatment doesn't work because (a) people like to hear success stories, not sad ones; and (b) individuals are probably less willing to put themselves out there if they fear they will be viewed as a 'failure' - so it is wonderful news, when there is an occasional story like Lisa's, to help change public perception about what it means to be a family. We need more honest accounts like this one.

There is nothing but positive information in her story. In Lisa's case, she and her husband, actor Chris Coghill, opted to adopt a child and there are some wonderful points that jump out from her story:

• the path to motherhood can be via a different route - adoption;
• you are no less a 'woman' if you build your family via this route and you can hold your head up in public and say 'look at me!';
• how emotionally and financially draining medical treatment can sometimes be, for some, perhaps even cruel;
• that the adoption process is not easy and requires determination; it took the couple two years to be approved given the vigorous review process that must be undertaken by prospective parents;
• adoption can be so rewarding - Lisa and Chris have loved every minute of having their little girl Billie. Says Lisa, "Adopting is such an incredible thing to do. I really can't imagine what our lives would be like without Billie."

It also highlights what a difference having a supportive husband or partner will make. Chris spoke of his desire to adopt if medical treatment didn't work, was supportive and had a great sense of humor through it all. Lisa was very lucky and I am sure that made a massive difference. They were on the same page with respect to how they wanted to create their family unit and got through it together. Not every couple is so fortunate on this front, and it can create a whole new set of challenges to work through when you have already gone through so much.

So I would like to congratulate Lisa for her honesty and for being a real woman . She tells it to us like it was for her. She doesn't hide the fact that medical treatment doesn't always work.  Even her miracle doctor, well known in London for his efforts on behalf of couple Rod Stewart and wife Penny Lancaster, was not able to acheive the same results for Lisa and Chris. But in the end that was okay, with mutual support for each other, the pair were able to create the family of their dreams via adoption.

 

Maria Portella is originally from the U.K. and now resides in the West Indies.  Her special interest is promoting better education about fertility amongst working women.  She reached out to The American Fertility Association because she wished to share her story.

Photo: Courtesy M. Portella

 

Child-Free Living

by Merry Armentrout

I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, great pets, amazing friends, and a loving family.  My life is full...I don't feel like anything is missing. You'll notice I don't mention anything about my children-that's because I don't have any.  My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, and thus far have decided not to have children. I can't speak to the future, but right now we're happy with our life.  We're both selfish, and realize when you become a parent, you need to be self-less. I watched my sister raise two children, so I'm well aware of the sacrifices made to be a good parent.  I compare my life now to what my life would be like with children, and I'm consciously making the decision to remain child-free.  My husband and I both feel very strongly to base our decision on what we want, not what we feel we need to do, or what our families want us to do, or what society dictates as the norm.

I spoke with a woman this morning after I decided to blog on this subject. She asked about my occupation, and I told her I was the Director of Communications for The American Fertility Association. The woman told me she had been through infertility treatments, and finally made the decision to live child-free. She nervously told her father she would not be making him a grand-father.  She was surprised when he hugged her and said, "that is actually a smart decision." 

An article in WebMD discusses the history behind the decision of child-free living.  In the 1950s and 1960s, families didn't have children because they feared of a nuclear holocaust.  Overpopulation was the driving factor in the 70s.  From the 1980s to today, Infertility is assumed to be the reason people don't have children. You often hear someone say, "they probably don't have children because they couldn't".  Maybe the answer is because they don't want to.  The article also talks about the benefits of not having children such as, freedom, self-exploration and control of your life.

I'm seeing more and more couples announce without reserve that they are choosing to live child-free.  Just as a parent can quickly list reasons to have children, a person without kids can spit out reasons not to have children. I love waking up in the morning and going for a run, doing some yoga, sitting in front of my computer and catching up on current events, having a leisure lunch with friends, enjoying a glass of wine with my husband before dinner, and watching my favorite TV shows at night, which don't include cartoons. Again, I might sound selfish, but I'm just being honest.  Honesty is what's important.  Being honest with yourself about what you really want out of life.  Maybe it's kids, but maybe it's not.  And that's okay.  The more and more parents I talk to, the more I hear...just wait to have kids.  These are my frazzled friends who are chasing their kids around my house, unable to enjoy their glass of wine. 

I understand many of you might be saying to yourself, "this girl is missing out on so much by not having kids."  Maybe I'll have kids one day, maybe I won't.  What I can tell you is my life is full, just like my wine glass will be tonight.