by Andrea Mechanick Braverman, Ph.D.
When Ann Pettway kidnapped Carlina White only three weeks after her birth, she began a family based on loss and deception. Carlina’s biological parents suffered untold anguish at the loss of their daughter, compounded by the uncertainty of her fate. Was the kidnapping of baby Carlina an act of desperation by a woman who suffered multiple pregnancy losses and feared that she would never be a mother? Or was the kidnapping one of villainous self-interest and cold calculating entitlement? Is Ann Pettway someone who deserves our pity and understanding or does she deserve our condemnation and scorn?
We cannot help but have a preconceived judgment about Ann Pettway. Even if a woman has been through multiple miscarriages, it is the rare woman who steals a baby from another. How do we begin to understand the tidal wave of emotions that could ever allow a woman to consider such a heinous act?
There are an estimated 72.4 million infertile women globally and, of that number, many have experienced miscarriage. Women (and men) typically develop coping strategies, seek out medical help, and get support to get through these terrible losses The fear that infertility will always place the individual on the sidelines watching friends and family experience the fulfillment of raising a child leads to moments of utter despair: that a pregnancy will never happen; that the dream of a long wanted biological child will be forever unmet; that the most important life goal will never be reached.
So the nerve Ann Pettway touched was the one similar to the moments of desperation individuals and couples experience on the infertility pathway. Many infertile women and men have observed that they have indulged in the fantasy of just taking a baby, but, quite obviously, they would never think of actually acting on that wish. Just as the frustrations of caring for a newborn 24 hours a day can lead parents to fantasize about shaking the baby, such feelings would serve only as a marker of a need for more sleep or help. Similarly, someone who has been through multiple miscarriages or infertility will recognize that the fantasy of taking a child is perhaps an indicator of a willingness to consider raising a non-biological or non-genetic child through adoption or gamete donation.
By processing the feelings encountered through loss or infertility, these couples then often seek resolution through adoption or egg, sperm or embryo donation. They have the appropriate empathy to understand that taking another’s child would leave its parent empty and grieving. As a result, they build their family in a positive way and not on one based on loss and deception. Because, as Carlina White proved when she sought out the truth, families built upon lies simply don’t work. Ann Pettway clearly had something else operating in her beyond what a typical woman experiences when having multiple losses and that “something” allowed her to close down the normal processing of right and wrong; her empathy evaporated.
Most everyone knows someone personally who has experienced a miscarriage. For some, it was a single loss and may not have had a long lasting impact. as another pregnancy was achieved and emotion and energy was focused on the successful pregnancy. But for others, multiple miscarriages involve one devastating loss after another without the infrastructure we usually rely upon for such losses. If public discourse would turn from the sensational aspects of the Carlina White story to one of understanding that many women experience emotional trauma after a pregnancy loss or the experience of infertility – the accompanying grief and fear – then Carlina’s story has a positive ending that extends beyond even her remarkable reunion with her parents.
We need to support our family and friends who experience pregnancy loss and infertility. We need to make it safe for those who are grieving to share this grief and the typical ways we support the bereaved assist them through their difficult journey. We must not trivialize any loss with hard words like “it wasn’t meant to be” or “there was probably something wrong with the baby so it’s better it was never born” or “you were only a few weeks pregnant”; no one ever feels it is better to lose a child. These words seek to paper over the pregnancy and loss when in fact many parents seek to honor the memory of that lost baby. When a pregnancy begins, so begin the dreams and hopes and love for that unborn child. So whether a pregnancy lasts a few days or weeks or months, or if the child is lost full-term, we need to let the bereaved hopeful parent know that their grief is real and legitimate and respected.
As Ann Pettway faces the (inevitably) very public courtroom proceedings, let us hope that we can step out of the court of public opinion and step into one of public education and better understanding of those 72.4 million infertile women as well as the infertile men who must endure the journey of fear, hope and uncertainty about becoming a parent. Let Carlina White’s legacy not be one of simple loss and reunion, but rather also one of enlightenment and education.
Dr. Braverman is a health psychologist specialist in medical health management, infertility counseling, third party reproduction issues and diabetes care.
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