by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW
For those of you who haven’t read it I strongly encourage you to read Melanie Thernstrom’s New York Times Magazine article called “Meet the Twiblings” at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html.
Ms. Therstrom and her husband use an egg donor and 2 different gestational carriers that end up giving birth to twins that are born 5 days apart. I loved this article for many reasons. She candidly discusses a multitude of issues that will be familiar to many who experience infertility. Examples include:
1. Beginning infertility treatment later in life.
2. Finding a doctor that will show empathy but be honest about your best chance for success in having a healthy baby.
3. Unscrupulous surrogacy and egg donation agencies.
4. Legal challenges of surrogacy.
5. Societal judgements about infertility treatment, surrogacy, and egg donation.
6. What role do you want your egg donor and surrogate to play in your new family’s life?
We learn about Ms. Thernstrom starting out at age 41 meeting her eventual husband. She undergoes 6 treatment failures in her attempt to have a baby. Her doctor poses a critical question that changed her life. He asked “Is your goal to have the experience of being pregnant or is your goal to have the best chance of having a healthy baby?” I believe that question is not asked often enough by physicians. It is the primary question those who have had repeated fertility treatment failures need to ask themselves.
This article is filled with valuable information those in the midst of infertility treatment can apply. There is a wonderful description of meeting the 2 women who eventually become her surrogates. Fie, one of the surrogates, goes over the surrogacy agreement line by line and she and Ms. Thernstrom carefully discuss scenarios so they have a clear agreement about how to proceed. They talk about whether the surrogates will provide breast milk after the baby is born? Consider questions you must ask like who pays living costs if your surrogate is unable to work due to the pregnancy?
The surrogate’s husbands were involved and met with the Thernstroms. The role of the surrogate husband is important and is rarely considered. Their support is invaluable during their wives pregnancy. Ms. Thernstrom observed her surrogates in their roles as parents and that was a major consideration for her in choosing them.
We learn about Ms. Thernstrom meeting her egg donor. It was important for her to meet the donor. Some choose to use an anonymous donor. She describes looking at the woman who became her egg donor and thinking “When she flashed a smile, I wondered if I had caught my first hint of my child’s grin.” There is that natural inclination for the perspective mother to make comparisons between herself and her egg donor. Consider your feelings about that and what role if any you want your egg donor to play in your future child’s life.
The Thernstrom’s speak with the director of their egg donor agency about disclosure. She recommends “tell everyone or tell no one.” Disclosure is one of the more challenging aspects of infertility. You need to decide if you want your child to hear directly from you in your own words about their birth. You may risk your child possibly learning from someone else. How will that impact your child and your relationship with him/her?
Using a surrogate or an egg donor requires a huge leap of faith. You have to trust that the donor is honest about their medical history. You want to believe your surrogate will take all the necessary steps you would to be as healthy as possible during the pregnancy.
Ms. Thernstrom coins the phrase “twiblings” to describe her children. The same egg donor was used and the embryos were transferred the same day. The kids were born 5 days apart from two different gestational carriers. She also uses the word “Fairy Goddonor” to describe her egg donor. Much like Sarah Palin’s word “refudiate” I hope these words should become an accepted part of English language.
I thought a lot about this remarkable story. This particular case involved a small “village” of people united together to create a family. I applaud the courage of Ms. Thernstrom for telling her story in such a public forum. She has gotten both praise and unwelcome comments from friends, professionals and strangers. I realized that all of us have a unique story to tell about how we become a family. It is our choice how and whether to tell it or not
I had not heard of this particular patient & the unique way she chose to succeed in her family building quest. I too counsel my patients to keep an open mind, especially after they fail to conceive using their own eggs. I agree with the doctor in the article said: “Is your goal to have the experience of being pregnant or is your goal to have the best chance of having a healthy baby?”. I too believe it is not a matter of whether you can have a child but what you are willing to do in order achieve that goal. Unfortunately, sometimes the limiting factor is the cost, which in these difficult times makes some of these options like surrogacy difficult to afford. Thank you for bringing to my attention this article from the NY Times, I will share it with my patients.
Edward Ramirez, MD
Monterey, California
Posted by: Edward Ramirez | 01/08/2011 at 12:00 PM