by Iris Waichler, LCSW
I have read many articles about family and friends being insensitive to people who are experiencing infertility. I have written about how to cope with it. Sometimes that insensitivity comes from people and places we don’t expect and that really leaves us reeling and feeling surprisingly vulnerable.
At one time I worked in a hospital that built a whole new wing dedicated to cancer treatment. They thought of hiring an interior decorator to design and decorate the waiting room and patient treatment rooms, yet, it never occurred to anybody to actually talk to a cancer patient and get their input about the potential decor. The decorator put in soft couches, no mirrors (assuming cancer patients would not want to see themselves), and used a variety of bright wallpaper prints and colors. Subsequently the patients threw up a lot because of the bright colors and busy patterns. Some could not get up out of the comfy couches that had no armrests. Because there were no mirrors, patients came out of the bathroom with wigs on incorrectly, open zippers, and incorrectly buttoned shirts.
I couldn’t help but remember this experience recently, when a member of an infertility group I led told me of her own experience. She went to a clinic where the waiting room was shared by patients undergoing infertility treatment and now pregnant women, waiting to see their obstetricians. Those of you who are undergoing infertility treatment know that over time you often see the same people day after day, week after week in your doctor’s waiting room and over time you begin to talk and develop relationships together. After this woman conceived, every visit to her doctor was tinged with guilt as she saw those familiar faces in that waiting room knowing they were still trying to get pregnant..
Both of these examples fall under the category of WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? I imagine those of you reading this can share stories of thoughtless, insensitive actions or comments from the professionals in our lives, whom we trust to know better. While most professionals in our field are sensitive and knowledgeable about the needs of their patients, when these events do occur they are particularly hurtful as they seem to come out of nowhere, when we are with people we assume understand the vulnerabilities and emotional pain created by infertility.
How can we expect friends and family not to make the same mistakes if some of the experts fail to show the sensitivity needed to help you cope with your infertility? These types of incidents give us the opportunity to educate those around us. In the case of the woman in my infertility group, she decided to meet with the head of the clinic advising him of the waiting room mistake. The clinic administrator was quite grateful for her insights and felt terrible that they had not thought of it themselves.
Sometimes family and friends are not sure what to say to support us as we struggle with our infertility. Think about how scary and foreign everything was when you began infertility treatment. The most important thing you can do is to inform selected family, friends, and professionals if necessary, about what they can do to support you through your infertility. Your needs may change as you move through different phases of infertility treatment. It takes emotional energy to do this. But laying this groundwork can help you develop a strong support network and strengthen the bonds and relationships you have within this community. If your requests are misunderstood or ignored, you can choose to create some distance between you and those involved. Be patient, flexible, and honest about your needs. It can be rewarding for all involved.
Iris Waichler is a licensed clincal social worker and author of the award winning Riding the Infertility Roller: A Guide to Educate and Inspire. She currently does freelance writing on infertility and health related topics.
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