There is some debate in the infertility community about how and when to disclose to your children how they became a part of your family. My husband and I were united in our belief that our daughter should know she was an egg donor baby. We agreed to start as early as possible. I created a disclosure book for her when she was 2. It has pictures of daddy dating mommy, daddy and mommy getting married, an embryo and lab, our daughter’s hospital bracelet, and baby pictures. Accompanying the photos was age appropriate text explaining how much we wanted a child, a generous gift lady gave us her eggs, and the joy her birth gave us in creating our new family. We read it often. I wondered what she understood.
When she was 3 we were at fantasy kingdom. I was close by and heard a woman ask my daughter if she had any brothers or sisters. My daughter told her “my mom’s eggs are too old and she couldn’t make any more babies.” The woman turned ashen and slowly backed up into the pretend fire station. It was my first opportunity to see how she had understood her conception.
Every year at school they do a program to teach kids everyone is special and unique. In 4th grade her teacher asked the kids to tell something about themselves nobody else knew. Her teacher tearfully told us at our parent teacher conference how my 9 year old daughter had proudly shared with her classmates she was born because of the generosity of a gift lady who donated her eggs to help create Grace for our family. It gave the next child the courage to share his autism diagnosis. I have counseled others about disclosure. I tell them make sure you are comfortable with disclosing before you discuss it with your child. Keep it age appropriate. If you don’t disclose and your child learns how he/she was conceived how will it impact your relationship? Remember disclosure is a process that continues as your child grows and needs more information to understand who they are, where they came from, and how they fit in your family.
Since that teacher conference I have thought about the lessons my daughter had unknowingly taught us. She did tell me about what she said that day in class. Understanding her origins is not a source of shame but a source of pride for her. Being an egg donor baby doesn’t make her feel different or abnormal. It is simply a part of who she is. She won’t be afraid to talk about it with us or her friends if new questions arise. She has several friends in our playgroup who were also egg donor babies. They all know it and will be there for each other if the time comes they want to discuss it as peers. I like to believe our starting the disclosure process early and normalizing it helped her get to where she is today. At least I hope so.
Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who has counseled people experiencing infertility. Ms. Waichler is the author of the award winning book “Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire”. She currently writes freelance infertility and health related articles.
Comments
You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.