by Kristen Magnacca
“That’s it. I’m calling the clinic right now!” he said. “No, don’t do that, I just needed to tell you what happened. I feel better now that I’ve vented,“ she said. “What did you say?” he said. “I said I feel better now. Phew, thanks,” she said. He looked like a deer caught in a headlight and walked away!
Experiencing fertility challenges as a couple can ratchet up emotions, miscommunications and, perhaps, marital misunderstanding. I’ve been there as a former fertility patient and now as a fertility coach working with patients. The previous conversation has been played out for me both personally and professionally, time and time again. Although the exact words might vary, the sentiments behind the exchanges are similar. This example came from my personal experience with needing to just “dump” out and share with my husband about what had happened during one of our fertility treatments. My husband’s reaction was to try to “fix” the situation by taking action and calling the clinic. But by simply listening, he was, in fact, doing something! So we both had to work on shifting our communication and word styles in a manner that was best for the other person while still meeting our own needs.
So how do you do that? I often ask: “What do I know now that I wish I knew then?” For the situation I described, I wish I had known about beginning this type of conversation with the “disclaimer” strategy. The disclaimer strategy gives you permission to communicate in a manner that meets both your and your partner’s needs. “I just need you to listen to me for the next five minutes about what happened today. Is this a good time for you?” By beginning with a disclaimer, you are speaking to the unconscious part of the brain that is asking: “Is this ever going to end?” How long will this go on?” “What do I need to do to fix this problem?” Also, the disclaimer sets up both of you for a win/win communication exchange. You both know that in the next five minutes you are going to give and receive something to help you move through today or this time in your life! The “sharing” part of the communication dance is to stick to the five-minute time frame and then say “thank you” at the end of your time with a compliment for helping.
So here’s the above example using the disclaimer and time frame strategies… “Honey, is this a good time for you? I just need you to listen to me for the next five minutes about what happened today at the clinic,” she said. “Ok, I am ready. I’m listening to you,” he said. My husband would take a stance of a prizefighter and get ready to zip his lip and try to not fix the situation. “When I went to the clinic to give blood today, the nurse couldn’t get a vein,” (on and on for five minutes) she said. “Uh huh,” he said. “Really,” he said. “Okay,” he said. “Wow,” he said. “Thank you, I feel so much better now. Phew, thanks,” she said. “Glad I could help,” he said. Initially this strategy might feel unnatural and uncomfortable, but after a few attempts it will begin to work to your advantage. Allow for clock watching at first, but soon that will not be necessary because you both will develop your unique styles.
Five minutes can truly change this experience for both of you. Please give it a try!
Kristen Magnacca is a life coach, fertility author and expert on the emotional aspects of infertility. She is the author of the award-winning book Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life, as well as Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion. Ms. Magnacca provides support to patients individually and in groups, as well as works with fertility clinics and other providers to enhance the patient experience. www.kristenmagnacca.com
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