The AFA Blog

Dancing in the Street

by Corey Whelan

I so feel like myself again! I told you guys I would keep you apprised of my recuperation.  Well, the stitches are out and the cane is in the basement, collecting dust, where it belongs.  The doctor says I lost about 30% of the strength in my leg but that I will get it back very quickly.  I can start running, although not long distances, in about a month.  I'm very happily walking all over Brooklyn now with my dogs and my Ipod, and start  physical therapy today.  I need to go buy a new pair of sneakers, some ankle weights, and a stationary bike since mine bit the dust a couple years ago.

Tunnel to Towers here I come!  T - 137 days and counting!

Can You be a Poor Responder and Get Pregnant on Your Own?

by Fred Licciardi, M.D.

So a little story about a couple I saw recently. She was a poor responder with borderline FSH levels, normal tubes and a favorable age. He had low sperm counts. They had been through IVF. I suggested that he see a urologist because maybe there was something that could be done to improve his counts. She still ovulates every month, so by upping the odds on the sperm side, maybe they could get lucky and get pregnant on their own.

My statements were very surprising to them. They had been told that because of her “fertility status”, meaning her FSH was a little high, pregnancy could not occur naturally, so why bother with the sperm.

This may be close to accurate but it is not completely true. Unfortunately, many couples with significant fertility problems never get pregnant, but for some, the pregnancy rate per month is not zero. Even if it is ½ percent per month, after a year, a few women with normal tubes, borderline FSH levels and good sperm will get pregnant (age helps).

Can you count on it?  No, but if there is something fixable, you might as well explore the options.

This is also the reason that some doctors suggest a laparoscopy after many failed IVF cycles. Even if the odds of tubal disease are low, correcting a small problem may improve the odds of a spontaneous pregnancy down the road.

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their bodies

by Lisa Marsh, The AFA's  London Correspondent

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two? 

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series

 

Lupus, infertility and pregnancy

by Corey Whelan

Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease, which can damage any part of the body.  While teenagers and men are sometimes diagnosed with lupus, women of child bearing age comprise the largest statistical group affected.  Like all other autoimmune diseases, lupus "tricks" the body into thinking that it needs to defend itself against it's own healthy tissue and organs.  This malfunction of the immune system creates an invasion of auto-antibodies, which attacks the immune system itself.

Common symptoms can include inflammation, joint and muscle pain, sensitivity to light or sun, debilitating fatigue, headaches, mouth and nose ulcers, weight and hair loss, and low grade fever.  Some people will experience a rash that appears in a butterfly shape across the cheeks and the bridge of the nose.  

Lupus is a chronic disease marked by flares - meaning that symptoms can flare up and worsen, and then go into remission, in an unpredictable pattern over the course of many years.  

Most patients diagnosed with lupus will experience normal fertility, however, a common drug often utilized to treat the disease, marketed under the name Cytoxan, can reduce fertility potential in both men and women.  Cytoxan can lower the sperm count and also reduce testicle size in men that have taken the drug for five years or longer.  It is recommended that men freeze their sperm prior to beginning treatment with Cytoxan.  In women, Cytoxan reduces fertility potential by speeding up the rate at which a woman’s egg supply is depleted, thus pushing her into premature ovarian failure, or early menopause.it is recommended that women with lupus only take Cytoxan when vital organs are involved, and/or corticosteroids aren't effective

Around 50% of all women who have lupus will be able to experience a healthy, normal pregnancy.  However, pregnancy can often signal a flare up of symptoms and for women with this disease, every pregnancy should be categorized as high risk.  This means that a high risk obstetrician who is well versed in lupus and its symptoms should be chosen to oversee your pregnancy.  As with most high risk pregnancies, pro active behaviors, including frequent medical check ups and getting adequate rest will be extremely important.

Additional complications of pregnancy may include:

• Miscarriage during the first trimester
• Formation of blood clots during the second trimester that can interfere with the function of the placenta or cause miscarriage, caused by a lupus antibody known as antiphospholipid antibody.   
• Pre-term birth and low birth weight babies
• High blood pressure, or preeclampsia

If you have lupus and are considering pregnancy, all of this may seem daunting.  However, it is important to remember that women with lupus can, and do experience normal pregnancies and deliver healthy babies.  The keys are timing and communication.  If you are ready to get pregnant talk to your doctor, if possible.  Your doctor will recommend against attempting conception during flare up times when your lupus is active.  Discuss your current medication protocol as well as the medications that will be recommended for you during your pregnancy.  Take care of yourself, and have hope for the future.  With careful timing, most women with lupus will be able to become moms both safely, and successfully.

For more information, click on these sources:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/lupus/pregnancy-risks-with-lupus.aspx

http://www.healthcentral.com/encyclopedia/408/118.html

http://www.targetwoman.com/articles/systemic-lupus.html

http://lupus.about.com/od/lupus101/p/WhatIsLupus.htm

http://www.wegenersgranulomatosis.net/Cytoxan_and_Fertility.htm

Reprinted with permission from Examiner.com

The Royal Surgery

by Corey Whelan

You guys may remember the blog post I wrote, recapping my experiences at a Congressional briefing on toxins and reproductive health.  To tell you the truth, I, um, left out a minor detail about that day.  It was gorgeous weather wise, first real feeling of Spring I had experienced this year and i wanted to walk around the Capital.  After all, the cherry blossoms were in bloom, I had no choice, the air smelled so good!  I wasn't dissuaded by my five inch heels, even though I had been having some nagging pain in my right knee for quite some time.  About two blocks away from Union Station on my way home something in the back of said knee gave way and long story short, last week had to be surgically repaired.  

I watched much of the Royal Wedding that day from the recovery room.  The non profit teaching hospital I chose for the occasion was smack in the middle of China Town.  I now know the Chinese word for either Queen, or yellow, not sure which.  Had an amazing experience with wonderful docs and nurses, and really cool patients who managed to form a community, without language, for a couple hours.  My comic relief?  The guy to the bed next to me let out of prison for his surgery, lying there with leg irons and handcuffs.  Only in New York!  Anyway, that was nine days ago, and I'm now up and about, "running" errands and sashaying (yeah, right) through the streets of Brooklyn with a cane that I have in my hand more for emotional support than for physical stability. 

Now, I'm physically active by nature and a lover of movement.  Running, dancing, recently Zumba, all of it.  Coupled with a commitment to eat intelligently, this ideology has served me really well.  And I still stand by it, despite my current boo boo.  All things being equal, I would rather need to repair a knee than a clogged artery, and recognize that this is only a temporary situation.

You guys know that, along with the rest of my colleagues at The AFA, we believe in bringing health conscious messages to the fore because we know that health and fitness support fertility and the birth of healthy babies.  We care enough about all of you to tell you the truth about this stuff.  So I waffled about sharing my current situation, because I didn't want to frighten anyone off of an exercise plan that they may be starting.  But I had to share this story with you for a few reasons.

While i was in the now famous recovery room, two nurses came to talk to me privately.  Each of them had a friend grappling with infertility.  One friend was in her forties and looking at egg donor options.  The other was a young woman with endometriosis.  Even post surgery, I was able to give to these women, who were giving to me, and I swear that felt so good it aided my recovery that day.  Coupled with the fact that my doctor said my over all fitness level, due to my healthy lifestyle, is comparable to a 36 year old (I'm fifty five), I know that I am on the right track.  Stuff happens, and if I look back and tell myself the truth, I know that I probably should have been changing sneakers more often, and stretching more, but working out is a good thing and nothing about my current situation has changed my mind about that.   

So hang in there with me folks.  I am going to be chronicling my recuperation on this blog page, similar to what Stephanie Himel-Nelson did over at the Attain blog page, so that you can keep up with me.  I would love to hear about your own exercise programs during this time, your ups and downs, so please post often on the blog page.

Oh, and by the way.  I will be running my beloved race, the Tunnel to Towers 9/11 Firefighter's Memorial Race on September 25th for the fourth year in a row.  I invite everyone to join me every year, but especially this year.  I have 343 very good reasons to make this request of you, plus one more.  You.  Your health, your fitness, your wellness, your future.

Here's to the future.  May it bring health, happiness, fitness and peace for all of us.

 

 

Gay Dads and Lesbian Moms and the Transition to Parenthood

 

 by Kim Bergman, PhD

 After 14 attempts over 18 months of donor insemination I was finally pregnant--something I had wished for and wanted for years. That's why I was so surprised at my reaction when at 8 months pregnant I visited my friend Holly (who was a month ahead of me) right after the birth of her second son. I walked into her hospital room and saw him in her arms, tiny and pink and looking entirely too fragile and delicate. Holly immediately handed him to me (she was an expert at this, having an older daughter already). I held this tiny creature, watched his eyelids flutter, marveled as his mouth sucked reflexively and thought to myself, "No way am I prepared to do this in just one month!" It was like slow motion and one of those voice-overs saying, "Do not attempt this at home".

 My wife and I went home and proceeded to have about three days of the worst anxiety ever. Here is a peak inside my brain during those few days:

 --what were we thinking

--we have no idea what we are doing

--babies are so tiny and fragile

--what were we thinking

--what if I mess this up completely

--OMG

--how will we do it

--what were we thinking

--how will I ever leave the baby 

--what if something happens

--what were we thinking

 over and over....for several days!

 My reaction was utterly terrifying and took me completely by surprise. Over the next month my anxiety gradually subsided and on the wonderful day that my daughter was born (almost exactly 15 years ago as I write this) it was joy, and not anxiety that I felt.

 While there is really NOTHING but parenthood to prepare you for parenthood. I have found that sharing our common experiences can help ease the transition into this new phase of life, and knowing in advance some of the ways that parenthood changes us can lesson the anxiety.

 There are lots of baby books that seek to prepare people for parenthood so I am not going to talk about the emotional ups and downs, sleepless nights and endless diapers of being a new parent. Instead I am going to focus on some of the emotional issues that my wife and I, and other LGBT parents face as we make the transition to parenthood.

 For me one of the biggest deals about becoming a parent was that it was a total identity shift. As a lesbian, I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be able to be a mom at all. I hear this time and time again from the gay men and lesbians that I help on the path to parenthood. For many of us being gay or lesbian seemed incongruent with being a parent, yet we had the compelling urge to be mommies and daddies. So we find ourselves living our dream of becoming parents, and our identities have quite a transition to go through to catch up.

 For starters, gay men and lesbians who are new parents have to adjust to being the center of a lot of attention. If you live in a big city where there are a lot of other gay families you will probably be admired and ogled over. If you live in a smaller town or one where there are few or no gay families you may be the object of some hostile attention. Either way, people will likely stare a lot, and this can take some getting used to.

 The thing that goes hand in hand with this attention is a whole new level of coming out. Babies with two mommies or two daddies out their parents everywhere they go. And as the kids get older this becomes more and more of an issue when "passing" by not correcting someone’s hetero-assumptive comment has some very real consequences for a child overhearing. If we are not yet out to co-workers and employers, having a baby will make that omission hard to live with. This continual coming out can be a bit jarring at first.

 For many gay men and lesbians, our parents and family of origin have been less than supportive and we fear that our becoming parents will be a source of stress and judgment. We worry about how homophobic family members will treat our children. My mother-in-law had to have a real “talking to” when she treated my two children differently (I gave birth to one and my wife the other). We let her know that she had two grandchildren or none; happily she chose two, but we would have made the difficult choice to let her go if we had to. Many folks that I work with report fearing that their parents will not accept their children, but an almost equal number come back and tell me that once the baby was born their parents’ or in-laws’ reactions ranged from slowly accepting their grandchildren to immediate complete turnarounds as they fell in love with the baby at first sight, their homophobia dropping by the wayside. Babies can be that magical!

 To learn even more about how other gay and lesbian parents make the transition to parenthood, I did a research project to better understand the experiences of the gay men that I work with. What I discovered made me proud, and I hope that you will find it helpful:

 •     In most respects, life changes resulting from parenthood were very much like those experienced by heterosexual couples: closer relations with co-workers, a transition away from single friends toward other couples (straight and gay) with children, and less time for sleep, exercise, and hobbies.

•     Gay dads were more likely to scale back their careers in order to care for their children than heterosexual dads.

•     These fathers reported that their self-esteem and their closeness with their extended families increased after becoming parents.

•     The fathers in my study reported that their relationships with peers at work improved because of the shared parenting experience. 

•     The couples had been together an average of 12 years, and none had dissolved their relationship after becoming parents.

•     Most fathers reported that relationships with their families of origin had become closer, and that having a baby increased recognition of the couple as a family. 

•     Gay dads in my study derived pleasure and pride in taking care of their children.

•     They also received increasing validation from their families and their communities.

•     Being a parent contributed to greater meaning in their lives.

 While none of these findings surprised me it’s always good to have research to back up your ideas and personal experience.

 No matter how you create your family, the transition to parenthood is one of the most glorious experiences one can have.  And, while there are some unique issues that lesbian and gay parents may face, in the end the baby is the common denominator, and that tiny adorable bundle of magic will get you through it all. But buckle up!

 (My kids are now 15 and 12, so I am working on the next chapter in parenting, “The Transition to Parenting Teens,” which I am expecting to be as exhilarating a roller-coaster as those first 6 weeks of parenting a newborn!)

Kim Bergman. Ph.D.is the founder of Fertility Counseling Services, Inc., providing all aspects of psychological services to individuals and agencies in the field of fertility and assisted reproduction. Dr. Bergman also is a co-owner of Growing Generations LLC.

 

Kim Bergman Ph.D. 2011. All Rights Reserved.  Permission granted to The AFA

Surviving Mother’s and Father’s Day

by Judith Kottick, LCSW

 Mother’s and Father’s Day may be holidays invented by the Hallmark Card Company, but it doesn’t mean this commemoration of parenthood doesn’t still have meaning.  For many of us, the attitudes we hold toward any holiday stem from childhood memories of the rituals and sentiments about the day that our parents have created or passed down from their own families.  At the same time, current life circumstances add a layer of feeling about the holiday that may dictate whether you are dreading or looking forward to the day’s observation.  So if your recollection of Mother’s Day is a warm family gathering with cousins, good food and laughter, it may be a holiday you would enjoy under other circumstances, but not while going through infertility and longing for parenthood.  If, on the other hand, you remember Father’s Day as a period of tension between parents, step-parents or relatives that left you feeling forgotten or fought over, this may be a day you dreamed could be different with your own child, but is just as well skipped over this year, while going through infertility.

 Many individuals and couples going through fertility treatment express a sense of dread leading into events that revolve around children or parenthood.  Certainly Mother’s and Father’s Day fall into that category.  It seems to be true that Mother’s and Father’s Day are about your own parents when you are growing up, but once you’re an adult and ready for a child, you’re meant to take center stage on this day.  And when parenthood is elusive, forget it!  The day is painful and an acute reminder of what is supposed to be.  Restaurants, places of worship, department stores, garden centers, newspapers and chocolate stores are all in on the celebration.  So what’s a wishing-to-be-a-parent to do?

 Take care of yourself.  There are many times when it makes sense to focus on the people in your life who you want to nurture and care for, but sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission to put yourself first.  When you’re going through infertility, this is one of those times.  Consider skipping the Mother’s/Father’s Day festivities this year, or make a brief appearance.  Give an excuse or explain to your family that you would appreciate their understanding that you need to skip the holiday this year. 

 Check in with your partner.  If you are trying to conceive within the context of a marriage or relationship, you can’t necessarily assume your partner shares your views on the upcoming Mother’s or Father’s Day.  While some people are able to compartmentalize the fertility struggle with little effect on their day-to-day lives, others find it consumes their every thought and decision, alienating them from the community and activities that were once so meaningful.  Consequently some couples find they disagree on the importance of attending family functions, adding tension to their relationship at a time when they need each other for understanding and support.  In this situation it is important to resist the urge to engage in a battle over the “right” or “wrong” approach, with each of you trying to force your beliefs and will over the other.  Instead, commit to listening and acknowledging each other’s views, and brainstorm together on the best solution for both of you.  Remember, it may take some ingenuity and patience to balance the needs of each partner, as well as the families of both.

  Plan ahead.  If you think you’ll want a reprieve from the holiday plans with your family, let them know ahead of time so they can adjust their expectations and you don’t spend weeks anticipating the confrontation.  Even if they react with anger or disappointment, you can still maintain your ground knowing you will have saved yourself unnecessary stress on the day in question.  There will be plenty of time to make it up to your family in the future.

 Create your own occasion.  Mark the day with your spouse or close friends doing non-child oriented activities.  Walk in the woods, create an intimate day with your partner, go for a bike ride, take a weekend away at a spa or lock the doors and watch movies and order Chinese food.  Try something new or settle on an activity that has been gratifying in the past.  Whatever you choose, take comfort in knowing you may not be in control of your family building schedule, but you can still take charge of other parts of your life.

 Reacquaint yourself with… yourself.  When family building plans are delayed or derailed, it is often the case that life centers around medical treatment and baby making, while losing the parts of your identity that previously made you proud.  Why not take Mother’s or Father’s Day as an opportunity to remember your accomplishments and the people in your life who have been a help to you during this difficult time.  You haven’t lost your talents and abilities just because you’re struggling to have a baby, nor are you any less important to the people who love you.  Take time to salute the functioning parts of your life and relationships.

 Grieve.  Lastly, there’s no shame in feeling sad.   Sharon N. Covington and Linda Hammer Burns, in Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians, remind us that “Infertility involves grief and loss whether it is a profound distinct loss at the onset of treatment or a gradual accumulation of losses over time.”  Sometimes the best approach to this challenging time is to spend a day in mourning.  Giving yourself the space to recognize these difficult feelings will ultimately give way to the resolve and energy necessary to continue your quest for parenthood. 

 However you spend Mother’s or Father’s day, take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  You may feel invisible on this holiday but there are estimates that one out of ten couples trying to conceive in the U.S. are having the same experience.  Remember, with a little planning, communicating and self-care, you can survive the day and look forward to what lies ahead.

 Judith Kottick LCSW is a therapist practicing in the field of reproductive counselling and a member of The AFA Mental Health Advisory Council

May is National Foster Care Month. Get Involved in a Child's Life

by Rita L. Soronen, Executive Director, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

All children deserve a safe and happy life — including the 463,000 American children and youth who have been abused, neglected or abandoned and are in the United States foster care system through no fault of their own.  Their families are in crisis and unable to provide for their safety and essential well-being.  These children reside in temporary kinship environments, non-family foster homes, group facilities or institutional care as they wait for the professionals who surround their lives to assure their safety at home. 

Although more than half of these children will eventually go back to their families, the rest are either unable to return home, because their parents cannot provide a safe and healthy environment and they are waiting to be adopted, or will turn 18 and leave the system without a family of their own.

In 1988, the National Foster Parent Association (www.nfpainc.org) persuaded members of Congress to proclaim May as National Foster Care Month to elevate the national discussion about children in care, to recognize the thousands of foster parents who work on behalf of these children each and every day and to celebrate the promise of all children in foster care.  Today, through local events, media messaging and professional partnerships across the nation, foster care has become a more accessible and understandable issue.  And yet, there is much more to accomplish. Consider the following:

 §      Child welfare issues arise in families of every race, ethnicity, culture, and age group and in all communities across the nation. A disproportionate percentage of youth in foster care, though, are children of color, particularly American Indian and African American children. In addition, children of color in the child welfare system experience poorer outcomes.

 §      Children who go into foster care and then return home spend nearly two years in care; children waiting to be adopted can wait four years or more in foster care, are often moved from home to home and can be separated from siblings.

 §      Older youth are in most urgent need of attention. Nearly half of the young people in foster care are over the age of 10. During the last several years, the numbers of young people aging out of foster care have annually increased to nearly 30,000.

• A recently released study revealed that youth who reach the age of majority – age 18 in most states – and exit the system, experience futures full of hardship:  More than one in five will become homeless after age 18; just 58 percent will graduate high school by age 19 (compared to 87 percent nationally); fewer than 3 percent will earn a college degree by age 25 (compared to 28 percent nationally); and one in four will be incarcerated within two years of leaving the system.

 There are more than 12 million alumni of foster care in this country today. Family dynamics of substance abuse, violence and/or neglect that force a child’s move into foster care can interrupt healthy emotional and physical development stages and damage a sense of security for hundreds of thousands of children.  You can help develop the full potential of a child in your community and help restore their childhood as a cherished time in their lives.  There are many ways to get involved -- this month and throughout the year:

 §      Learn more about foster care and the needs of those touched by this issue

          Foster Club www.fosterclub.com/foster-care-facts

 §      Become a mentor or a volunteer advocate for a child in foster care

               National Mentoring Partnership www.mentoring.org/

               National CASA Association www.casaforchildren.org/

 §      Consider becoming a foster parent or an adoptive parent from foster care

                National Foster Parent Association www.nfpainc.org

         Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption www.davethomasfoundation.org/Free-      Adoption-Resources/Free-Materials/General-Adoption-Information

 You can make a difference in the life of a child in foster care.  For more information on America’s most vulnerable youth, call the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption at 1-800-ASK-DTFA (1-800-275-3832).

 The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a national nonprofit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 150,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created by Wendy’s® founder, Dave Thomas, who was adopted, the Foundation implements results-driven national signature programs, foster care adoption awareness initiatives and research-based advocacy efforts. As the only foundation dedicated exclusively to foster care adoption, we are driven by Dave’s simple value:  Do what’s best for the child.

The Leap from Infertility to Adoption

 

by Iris Waichler, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

During the week of National Infertility Awareness two friends have contacted me to talk about their long struggles with infertility.  The agonizing pain they continue to experience is both familiar and palpable.  They both have wonderful husbands who have supported them through their treatments and multiple losses.  They have gone through this process together each offering the other comfort and understanding.  One friend has decided to begin the process of adoption.  The other has come close to that point but is not quite there yet.  Every woman who has experienced infertility understands that before you can take the next step whatever that might be you have to feel you have tried everything you possibly can to get your body to achieve pregnancy hopefully giving birth to a healthy child.

            Most people try to have a child through infertility treatments before they consider adoption as a family building option.  Like infertility treatment, adoption takes time, money, and a lot of patience on the part of the perspective parents. You will face challenges along the way finding the right agency, the birthmother or birthparents who select you if you adopt domestically, doing the paperwork, interviews, and preparing the paperwork you need to begin your adoption process.  The good news is adoption is a family building alternative that usually ends with a child becoming a member of your family.  You will have the opportunity to parent by yourself or with your partner.  There is a degree of certainty about having a child in the end that is associated with adoption.

            It can be challenging switching your mind and your efforts from doing what you can to have a biological or genetic link with a child to exploring adopting a child.  The most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe you are capable of adopting a child? Think carefully about if you can truly love, bond with, and accept a child who shares no biologic or genetic link with you?  Take time considering why you want to adopt and what the adoption will mean to you. 

            You may find it useful to take some time to grieve the loss of having a child with these biologic or genetic links before you pursue the path of adoption.  Give yourself some time to nurture yourself, emotionally and physically recharge, and process the losses associated with your unsuccessful infertility treatment before your embark on this new path to building your family.  Being an adoptive parent is no less challenging or enriching for you and your adopted child.  It is something you can choose to do.  There are challenges associated with the process of adoption just as there are with infertility treatment.  The experiences that challenged you during infertility can offer you valuable insights and perspective that you can use to help you through your adoption process.  Parenting transforms us in ways we can’t even imagine.  Whether you become a parent through infertility or adoption the rewards can be great.

 Iris Waichler is author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster

Words From a Prayer Book

by Carolyn N. Berger, L.C.S.W.

Friday night I went to temple with my friend Al at Beit Simchat Torah in Manhattan, the world’s largest LGBT synagogue.  Al sings in the choir and often invites me when there’s a special choral service.  He knows I love the music and enjoy dinner with him afterwards. But at this Friday’s service, while idly flipping through my prayer book, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: 

 “As a community of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and straight Jews, we have experienced the ways in which LGBT families are erased from the Jewish Community and family life.  Because of the way we love, some of us have lost our children or have been excused from their lives; many of us will never be legally recognized as the parents of children we have raised.  Likewise, many us of are the children of parents who are not recognized.  Yet, despite this, we know that our relationships are holy and our families are real.”

Over thirty years ago Beit Simchat Torah temple was established by people who felt the need to build a new temple community where they could be accepted for who they are.  On Saturday mornings the place now teams with kids and their parents, a testament to what this temple has become. 

Over dinner Al explained the words in the prayer book.  He pointed out that if a gay person leaves a heterosexual marriage and tries to get custody of his children, he may fail—simply because of his sexual orientation. Many states, he also explained, still don’t recognize gay marriages; a child conceived within a gay union may not be considered related to his non-biological parent. Legally, it’s as though one of his parents never existed. 

 I was aware of all these realities before---I have helped gay and lesbian couples create families through adoption and third-party reproduction—but tonight was the first time I felt them so deeply within my heart.

 I am a straight woman and when my husband and I divorced, the law supported our desire to have joint custody.  No one blinked--there wasn’t the smallest hint of worry that I or my husband would lose our children because we were dissolving our marriage. Our children could not be “excused” from either of our lives.

 My children never experienced a kind of family life where one parent was legally recognized and the other was not.  In all kinds of places and under all kinds of circumstances, my ex-husband and I have the right to make decisions regarding our children’s welfare. Not so in many LGBT families.  What does it do to a child to have one parent who is the “real” parent and the other who is not?  What does it do to a couple where one partner has legal authority and the other is powerless before the law?

 Today there are about a million LGBT parents raising two million children, often without the support of their faith communities, their families and the laws of their state. This is shameful.

 In spite of this, most of these families are thriving.  Perhaps the Beit Simchat Torah temple prayer book says it best:  “…we know that our relationships are holy and our families are real.”

 Carolyn N. Berger, LCSW, is Founding Board Chair of The American Fertility Association and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council.  She has a private practice specializing in Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption, with offices in NYC at NY Fertility Services, and in Westchester.

Inspired by Embryo Donors

 by Craig R. Sweet, M.D.

Pay It Forward Day is April 28, 2011. The concept is pretty simple. According to the Pay It Forward Day Website, “Pay it Forward Day is all about people, from all walks of life giving to someone else and making a positive difference.” Is there a better example of paying it forward than donating embryos?

 Deciding what to do with frozen embryos is a tremendously difficult decision. Certainly, using the embryos to expand one’s own family is ideal, but some patients need to look for other options. Our goal is to decrease the number of frozen embryos that are cryopreserved indefinitely, abandoned or discarded. Donating embryos to science or to patients in need are decisions that pay it forward. While human embryonic stem cell research holds promise, its potential outcome is uncertain and may not be known for many years. Therefore, donating embryos to patients in need may be the best immediate option. Embryo donation has the potential to build families that would otherwise not exist.

 Infertility patients, when they come to the conclusion that they will not be able to have children of their own with other types of treatment, are also faced with difficult options. Adoption may be cost prohibitive, so embryo donation may be the last, best choice for them. Not only are the embryo donors paying it forward, but so are the recipients. The embryo recipients are giving a lifelong commitment to the offspring of these donated embryos.

 The reproductive facilities that have dedicated their efforts to build families through embryo donation are also paying it forward. The time, effort and complexities regarding embryo donation are daunting and reproductive facilities can certainly spend their time more profitably on other options. The practices dedicated to embryo donation feel that embryos deserve a heightened level of respect and are committed to their patients by offering an option for family building that few are able to provide.

 In a world that is increasingly complex and overwhelmingly busy, it is wonderful to know that the basic human experience is still really about caring for each other. Pay it Forward Day is the antithesis of this endeavor and who cannot be inspired by our courageous embryo donors and our committed embryo recipients?

 Pay it forward yourself on April 28 and please encourage patients with cryopreserved embryos to consider doing the same. Families are just waiting to begin.

Dr. Craig Sweet is the medical director and founder of Embryo Donation International, a private non-faith based, non-discriminatory reproductive endocrinology and infertility practice located in Fort Myers, Florida.

In a small way, Embryo Donation International has decided to make a positive difference. For every set of embryos donated, they will pay it forward by donating to one of ten international, national and regional charities selected by the donor(s), including The American Fertility Association. For more information and a full list of the designated charities, please visit www.embryodonation.com/donating-to-charity.php